The office is warm today. I do most of these entries from my desk at work. The season here at the institute is slow, the summer is when things get fast and when I will likely go a little quiet. But today the heat is on too high and it makes me sleepy.
My head spins as I work to put together the next issue of the temporarily nameless zine. I am pleased with it so far as I have managed a good balance between integral presentation and artistic liberty..... with the ever present crescent sliver of angst.....
Anyone interested in a subscription?
I have a lot of writing to do, and in particular there is a piece I am working on in regards to forgiveness, healing and letting go of anger. I am finding this a particularly personal endeavor as I firmly believe in the philosophy, but not in the typical religious sense.
I dont buy the forgive and forget shit. it just isnt realistic and it devalues the impact had on the life badly effected. I think one has to remember in order to protect themselves in the future and to retain the wisdom gained in the pangs.
However, I am finding it extremely difficult to do this piece right now as I am still carrying a lot of anger from a very brutal break down of a friendship that I am not sure I am really ready to forgive. And ethically speaking, I cant write a piece on such a topic while being a total hypocrite in not applying the philosophies and methods to my own life. (At least you know, ladies and gentlemen that yours truly is, if nothing else, integral about the art and text she offers up for viewing.)
I am well aware that this is a sore spot that I need to heal and that I have to let go of. Maybe I am afraid that if i let this go that I wont have anything to fuel the little bit of angst that I like to have around..... which I know is ridiculous as I am naturally a little angsty. maybe I am just not done going through the motions because I have not allowed myself to go through them all.... which in the end would result in .... FORGIVENESS.
And that's another thing... most people get the wrong impression about forgiveness. But then again the assigned definition compliments of sacrificial lamb religion has been to succumb to the other cheek and fruitlessly sustaining blows undeserved. Where is the self respect in that? why turn a cheek to show that you are better than a populous or person that doesnt care about better, worse, naughty or nice? What does that do other than let you think you are better than them.... and doesnt that lead to.... (and all the nuns cringe as I lead up to the word..)..... PRIDE? And isnt that against the faith and a stupid thing for the nonreligious to have if it really serves nothing productive? The old world definition of forgiveness is absurd. So maybe we should use a new word....
for more on this I am afraid you will have to read the zine as I think in writing this I have started something I have been meaning to get to....
Kisses
My head spins as I work to put together the next issue of the temporarily nameless zine. I am pleased with it so far as I have managed a good balance between integral presentation and artistic liberty..... with the ever present crescent sliver of angst.....
Anyone interested in a subscription?
I have a lot of writing to do, and in particular there is a piece I am working on in regards to forgiveness, healing and letting go of anger. I am finding this a particularly personal endeavor as I firmly believe in the philosophy, but not in the typical religious sense.
I dont buy the forgive and forget shit. it just isnt realistic and it devalues the impact had on the life badly effected. I think one has to remember in order to protect themselves in the future and to retain the wisdom gained in the pangs.
However, I am finding it extremely difficult to do this piece right now as I am still carrying a lot of anger from a very brutal break down of a friendship that I am not sure I am really ready to forgive. And ethically speaking, I cant write a piece on such a topic while being a total hypocrite in not applying the philosophies and methods to my own life. (At least you know, ladies and gentlemen that yours truly is, if nothing else, integral about the art and text she offers up for viewing.)
I am well aware that this is a sore spot that I need to heal and that I have to let go of. Maybe I am afraid that if i let this go that I wont have anything to fuel the little bit of angst that I like to have around..... which I know is ridiculous as I am naturally a little angsty. maybe I am just not done going through the motions because I have not allowed myself to go through them all.... which in the end would result in .... FORGIVENESS.
And that's another thing... most people get the wrong impression about forgiveness. But then again the assigned definition compliments of sacrificial lamb religion has been to succumb to the other cheek and fruitlessly sustaining blows undeserved. Where is the self respect in that? why turn a cheek to show that you are better than a populous or person that doesnt care about better, worse, naughty or nice? What does that do other than let you think you are better than them.... and doesnt that lead to.... (and all the nuns cringe as I lead up to the word..)..... PRIDE? And isnt that against the faith and a stupid thing for the nonreligious to have if it really serves nothing productive? The old world definition of forgiveness is absurd. So maybe we should use a new word....
for more on this I am afraid you will have to read the zine as I think in writing this I have started something I have been meaning to get to....
Kisses
I want to just make two small points in response to your stream-of-consciousness essay and topic above.
Second, and I've already slightly bled into this, but forgiveness and angst may be part of the balance of life and self and emotion...something that fits somewhat with my own philosophies. If you're dreamy and happy about everything, does that mean you are unmotivated to do anything at all...which could lead to unhappiness? That angst you hold onto is a counterweight to your happiness...making it better defined, noticed, and much more thoroughly enjoyed. It is like feeling and embracing the cold in order to better appreciate the heat when it washed over you in a doorway. I think, while the angst itself (or unforgiveness) may not be defensible or even morally right, but I think there may have to be at least a little evil, a little pain, a little unforgiveness, to balance out and give meaning to the opposite...
Lastly, and just to mention it again, some people and some acts do not deserve forgiveness. True, you probably shouldn't let it fester and unduely influence future anger and harshness toward a person, but sometimes someone does something that is just not right with you, and no amount of thinking or guilt or reason will ever bring that person back to the previous level of acceptance or respect. I guess that may mean you and I would have to define what forgiveness is (for what discussion is truly a discussion without first defining the terms and boundaries?), as perhaps my feeling of forgiveness is different.
By the way...
PS: If you can guess my philosophy at any point (at least as described in some fiction and circles), I'll personally make sure I make love to you in some way.
[Edited on Nov 19, 2003 2:59PM]