I remember my MUCH younger years when I was figuring out what it meant to be a man. The little ember that would become the blaze of my sexuality was just starting to burn through the coals. While I was a late bloomer, I have always been more interested in the visual side than the overtly sexual. I remember watching late night tv long before I knew what to do with a woman lol.
That interest... fascination was what led me to be a photographer. What led me to pick up the camera and learn how to coach women into finding their own unique version of sexuality. Even if it took me a long while to find mine.
Once I did, I felt like I had done something wrong... like my sexuality was somehow... dirty or unwanted.
I can imagine that being not just a me thing, but a common issue. I recognize a bit of myself when I work with a woman for the first time, especially if she isn't a model. There's that moment of getting comfortable, of releasing the tension, and of knowing she's accepted and not being thought less of for being sexual.
I think I actually love that about my photography. I can identify with that part of the process and although I can't empower myself to find my strength there, I can empower whoever is before my camera to find their voice... their strength. Their fire.
When I picked up my camera in high school I dreamed of being a photographer who could be published in Playboy. I imagined myself traveling the world doing incredible shoots in gorgeous locations. Making incredible friends and changing lives.
I had gotten to a point where I hated retouching and editing photos. It was really becoming a problem. I had gone 5 weeks without shooting... without editing. I felt like crap. I decided to go through some old shoots. I found this session with a model from Chicago... Ashley. It was the very beginning of my shooting and I wasn't very sure of myself. She walked in and was nervous, I was nervous. She was GORGEOUS! It was incredible watching one of the most beautiful women I had ever met evolve. I knew she was gorgeous but the voice in her head was too loud for her to recognize her own wonder. As my camera began to click something began to change.
It was evident she felt what I felt... the heat from her bright flame. It transcended sexy... sensuality. It was incredibly feminine. This mother who struggled with body image started to feel the love she had for herself and her body responded. That knowing smile spread across her face and she picked up this incredible glow.
THIS. Is why I love my life. Why I continue to push through my feelings of being less than good enough. When I feel my darkest, I remember those kinds of shoots where my photography has made a difference in these women's lives. I hope I can continue to do that for many many ore years. I've got a lot of work to do on myself... but I know this helps me too.
