@rambo @missy
Worst Live Performance EVER!
I'm a musician... I don't say that lightly. By saying that, I mean I have an innate sense of when something is even a microtone out of tune, when rhythm is even a 128th note off... sometimes it REALLY sucks. But the WORST performance I've ever been unfortunate enough to watch... be a part of...
When I was in college, there was a battle of the bands. Now, not to toot my own horn but... I'm a fairly good guitarist. One thing I DON'T do well is sing. Well on the day of the battle our singer quit... which left ME. Argh! My best friend (who had the unfortunate experience of being in the audience) said, "Man your guitar playing was AMAZING!! But... you sang like the Cookie Monster." FUCK!
It took YEARS after that for me to realize I didn't ACTUALLY sing like the Cookie Monster, it was bad EQ'ing. And now... I realize there was already a Cookie Monster (John Mayer)... watch him sing and you tell me he's NOT the Cookie Monster.
Kids Just Don't Understand!
I teach kids. I teach music on a weekly basis, Mondays and Tuesdays... Guitar, Bass, Piano. And it never baffles me the things kids have NO idea about. Just today, I was talking to a student about T9 and texting while driving back in the day. Having to press 5, THREE TIMES in order to get an 'L.'
"I'm Just Not Hungry"
I've lucked out pretty good in life. There are things I DON'T like... and things I... DON'T eat. But for this little spicy tidbit in my life it actually happens to be something someone tried to serve me in MY home. So... long story short... there was a girl I liked in college. She was into girls, actually... INTO is an understatement. The idea of a man's "member" made her physically sick. Leave it to stupid old me to get a crush on her. Argh! So... we became friends and I never pushed the envelope. I never even brought up my feelings for her, I was just a good friend; understanding how she felt. Well, one night, she decided she wanted to spend the night at my apartment (I didn't live on campus... my senior year, her freshman).
She asked if we could pick up groceries on the way. I cooked dinner, I think it was pork chops, homemade mashed potatoes, and home made mac and cheese... or something like that. After cooking dinner, and eating it. She popped off the couch and said proudly, "You made dinner. I'll make dessert."
Oh that's where it started to go downhill. She had spent $10 on fresh peaches. Bought a HUGE tub of cool whip (yes, my mind went there too... I just didn't say anything). And I figured I knew what she was going to make, if she needed help she could have asked. Well... twenty minutes later, it was obvious things WEREN'T going as planned... my apartment filled with smoke... trying to remove her concoction from the oven she burnt her hand, dropped the entire contents INTO my oven and proceeded to sit on the floor in my kitchen and cry. (I don't handle crying women well... it's MORE than a need to soothe and protect)
I told her everything would be ok... I burnt the CRAP out of my fingers, salvaging as much as I could from the open oven door. Poured it onto a plate... and brought her back to the living room.
"It looks delicious," I smiled... hoping the night wasn't COMPLETELY ruined. That's when it hit me... she had mixed this delicious dessert with... mozzarella cheese, and garlic... It took everything I had not to blow chunks. I ate the whole thing with a smile, then proceeded to the kitchen where I cleaned the mess and downed an entire bottle of rum.
She slept on the couch, and we never spoke of it again... and never will.