I've been doing some soul searching recently. I wouldn't say I'm in a dark place, but I'm in a holding pattern. The other day I popped a PodCast on, one of my favorites... he was talking to one of my favorite boudoir photographers, Jen Rozenbaum. It was an interview after she went through all the cancer treatments and all that good stuff (I don't honestly know how old the podcast was but it was fairly recent). And she was talking about finding her Tribe by finding her Why.
I realized, my tribe is what I've been missing. That support for WHY should I keep shooting and producing images or videos. And I realized two things. One, it's completely my fault for not being very social. What can I say, I'm a surprising extrovert who reverts to introversion when I'm low on attention.
Aside from that though, other than I enjoy it... I hadn't ever really sat down to consider WHY I do what I do. There's the outside reasons that I've told myself is the FULL reason why I do it... I want to empower women to see the beauty in their individuality while allowing them to feel sensual and sexual from a safe space. Which is ALL totally true and AWESOME! But what's in it for me?
(Spoiler alert) most of my relationships end when I realize I never even considered what's in it for me.
So? What's in it for me?
It comes from a place of shame. I'm therapeutically trying to deal with my internal SHIT. Long story short (you can find the LONG version on my FetLife page if you care to read it), I have always felt ashamed of my curiosity. It comes from a place of love and admiration, but because (for many men) it comes from a place of domination and need to conquer, I've learned to hide my TRUE self. After all, why would anyone believe I'm different than any other man who walks this Earth (not saying ALL guys are like this but... am I wrong?)? I remember being younger and seeing my first naked woman on TV. I must have been in third grade and accidentally flipped to HBO or Cinemax as I was turning off the television before going to bed. I STOPPED and stared. I knew I wasn't supposed to be watching, but I couldn't turn away. She was riding him! And moaning! (Now I know it was all acting, but back THEN it was a HUGE deal! Something my Barbies and GI Joes would practice for the next three or four years!) That feeling of seeing something I wasn't supposed to was intoxicating!! It became almost an obsession for me. The BIRTH of a voyeur!
Because I knew it was something I wasn't supposed to do, I tried to bury it. And the harder I tried to bury that obsession, the BIGGER a role it played on my life.
PLEASE UNDERSTAND, this didn't come from a place of my OWN sexuality (something I wouldn't become interested in for many years to come). It was an innocent appreciation for the beauty of nature. There is NOTHING like the nude form of a woman. Each one is a perfect individual, unlike any other in the UNIVERSE! How special is that?!
Every day, I walk this Earth as a curious observer. Every woman I see, my mind races... What does she look like naked? What do her breasts look like, what color are her nipples? How far do they stick out when she's aroused... or cold? Is she shaved? Bushy? Does she masturbate? What face does she make when she orgasms? And in a total of two seconds, the conversation in my head is over. I've learned over the years to shake it off, to move on. But I've also become MUCH better at visualization. Again, this doesn't come from a place of my OWN sexuality... just curiosity! A desire to examine and appreciate the most BEAUTIFUL form in all creation.
As many reading this have probably already gone to the "he's a creepy nut" place... I'll say again, that's the exact same place MY mind went and why I've been so shamed by my own being for as long as I can remember. But I can honestly vow it's not coming from an icky place but one of love, and not an obsessive but a passing love for all that God has created (I'll leave religion out of this but know that this struggle has gone FAR onto that side as well).
So in trying to figure out my why I realized I need to give myself permission to BE who I am. To be the person I was made to be. To celebrate the beauty of female sensuality and sexuality all rolled into one BEAUTIFUL image. I know it's coming from a place of light an innocence. Hopefully my tribe will too... if I ever find them.