Being isolated from people for the past year, with the occasional outing with people, has caused so much self examination and questioning it's almost sickening. It's almost entirely internalized, no one ever sees struggles inside my head. It doesn't really bother me, but I know I shouldn't be going it in the first place. In fact, this quote sums it up greatly, "I've seen much of the world...it is brutal. Cruel, and dark."
Regardless, I've come to a conclusion tonight that does actually seem somewhat credible. I've analyzed my parents ever since I could remember. For some reason studying people has always been a fascination to me...but it's a double edged sword because I can pinpoint most other people, but cannot identify myself for the most part. My parents are probably the strangest people I know. They are fantastic parents and people, but their relationship has always confused me. I can see now that is has shaped my relationships up until this point as well. My parents seem to have the same mentality, it's been this long so we can't do anything about it at this point. They both have traits that the other person can't stand...and they aren't minor, they are major.
Somewhat recently, a relationship that has been going for about 5 or 6 years, ended abruptly without me knowing what really happened. I mean seriously, who the fuck breaks up with someone after that long through a text message...? (a guilty person). Anyways, my views on relationships, affection, and marriage are all completely skewed. Well, they have been since I was a kid but now I recognize it. It may only be the stage of life I'm currently in, which by the way is neither good nor bad, but for some reason I am apparently unable to maintain things like that. It's kind of like seeing the bad side of something and never knowing there could be a good side. Now I've been told that everything that has happened to me up to this point is self inflicted because I'm selfish, depressed, and unmotivated...which may or may not be true, but to those who know me the only thing I could be guilty of is indifference. It's not something to be desired, but compared to what other people do these days, not getting upset at all is better than flying off the handle. Things like movies, books, music, and TV have changed my expectations in life when it comes to all sorts of situations and life milestones. Well...at the end of it all, not everything is exciting in life and it might not be a memorable occasion, but it does in fact, feel like Groundhog's Day. The last 11-9/10 months has been exactly the same for me...it's not healthy and I don't know how easy it's going to be to reverse my head.
I know you won't read this, and if you do, realize this is a rough rambling on what goes on in my head so it might not come clearly to you what I'm talking about...I apologize. When my mind is operating in its current state, it all goes onto paper...where no one else reads it but me, so it makes sense.
Regardless, I've come to a conclusion tonight that does actually seem somewhat credible. I've analyzed my parents ever since I could remember. For some reason studying people has always been a fascination to me...but it's a double edged sword because I can pinpoint most other people, but cannot identify myself for the most part. My parents are probably the strangest people I know. They are fantastic parents and people, but their relationship has always confused me. I can see now that is has shaped my relationships up until this point as well. My parents seem to have the same mentality, it's been this long so we can't do anything about it at this point. They both have traits that the other person can't stand...and they aren't minor, they are major.
Somewhat recently, a relationship that has been going for about 5 or 6 years, ended abruptly without me knowing what really happened. I mean seriously, who the fuck breaks up with someone after that long through a text message...? (a guilty person). Anyways, my views on relationships, affection, and marriage are all completely skewed. Well, they have been since I was a kid but now I recognize it. It may only be the stage of life I'm currently in, which by the way is neither good nor bad, but for some reason I am apparently unable to maintain things like that. It's kind of like seeing the bad side of something and never knowing there could be a good side. Now I've been told that everything that has happened to me up to this point is self inflicted because I'm selfish, depressed, and unmotivated...which may or may not be true, but to those who know me the only thing I could be guilty of is indifference. It's not something to be desired, but compared to what other people do these days, not getting upset at all is better than flying off the handle. Things like movies, books, music, and TV have changed my expectations in life when it comes to all sorts of situations and life milestones. Well...at the end of it all, not everything is exciting in life and it might not be a memorable occasion, but it does in fact, feel like Groundhog's Day. The last 11-9/10 months has been exactly the same for me...it's not healthy and I don't know how easy it's going to be to reverse my head.
I know you won't read this, and if you do, realize this is a rough rambling on what goes on in my head so it might not come clearly to you what I'm talking about...I apologize. When my mind is operating in its current state, it all goes onto paper...where no one else reads it but me, so it makes sense.
i kind of do the same thing with analyzing people, especially my parents. they are the exact same way, i almost felt like you were inside my head on that part.
guess i just wanted to say you arent the only one, from my base level understanding of this.
No seriously.
To me, it seems you need to let your inner intellectual out. Let that motherfucker flourish.
If you think your parents are "strange" you should see my Grandparents --- married for 65 years.
I have no idea how the fuck they got together, how they had 10 kids (not including 2 miscarriages) and how they are still together.
My Grandpa in his sense of humor says the first 40 years you deal with things and the next 25 your mind just goes numb, but in his way he loves his family and his wife more than he could really express (which he physically can't because he's so scientific he possesses little social skills).
Everyone, everything has flaws. You should look at your parents and see how they are actually still together, you are one of a lucky few my friend, and while their relationship isn't perfect (see Candle Party, The....haha) they are together and probably will be for the rest of their lives.
In today's society that's pretty rare, and really a great achievement especially when you throw in things like human nature, real life, problems and kids.
You are still really young dude, I'm 4 years older and look where I'm at. If you feel like your wheels are spinning maybe its time to try something else. Give UT another shot? Go for the career testing in Chicago that I think I may? have told you about. Travel (especially to see the Sabres....).
Anyway, we can talk about this shit this week at the games and trivia if you want man, feel free to vent (nazi zombies is good for letting steam off
It can't rain all the time.