el_oso

it's been a few weeks since i've actually put anything of substance in this journal, so here we go...

school sucks. my 'reading week' starts tomorrow, but i'm just staying here while everybody else has gone home. it's kind of nice to have this place to myself...it's quiet (which doesn't often happen when us 5 guys are all in the house), and i can crank my music up as much as i want and not bother anybody. still, i feel lonely and a little sad too. nobody else is really here to hang out with. well, except for my ex.

it's been 5 months since we broke up, and i honestly don't know if i'm any better about it at all. i'd be surprised if 10 minutes go by without me thinking about her in some way. a lot of times it's conscious, but then there are a lot of moments where i see something obscure on tv that reminds me of her, or some old song that brings up memories. she came over a little over a week ago, and we had a really open, honest, good talk about what happened between us, why the bad things kept happening, our lack of commitment, etc. we both admitted we weren't committed to each other while we were together, and we were basically staying together just because it was comfortable. however, i was the person in the relationship that wasn't giving back nearly as much as i got.

anyways, being without her really made me realize a few things about myself, and about life. for the first time in my life i thought about what i truly wanted in the future, what kind of girl i'd like to spend my life with, etc. and she was the answer to everything. i just can't let her go. we haven't talked a whole lot since christmas, maybe a couple times a week or so. she seemed really, genuinely impressed and good about all the things i said to her in the conversation...i told her that i wanted to be with her for the rest of my life, that i have changed a lot in the past 5 months without her, and that i thought she was the most beautiful girl i'd ever met, inside and out. anyways, she kept saying how good it all sounded, but that she was confused and wasn't sure what to do. she's been in relationships ever since going into high school, and has never been single for more than a couple months in the past 8 years or so, and she was saying that she's enjoying living her own life, and just taking time for herself. she said she wasn't ready to get back into a relationship with anybody at this moment.

so anyways, every day still i pine for her, and i do stupid things like writting poems to try to satisfy myself. every day i wait for her to call or come and see me, but she doesn't. every day i tell myself to just give it time, and that if i just be patient, things will work out. every day i tell myself to live my own life and to enjoy myself, not sit in my room and listen to music all night long and think about her. but, i'm not in the listening mood right now. i'll be finished school in 2 months, then my plan is to work for the summer, and go off to europe in september. all of that seems so far away though, and i'm scared if i go away i'll never find her again.

i just wish i knew that everything would be alright, no matter what happens. somewhere inside of me i know that, but not at 3am when i'm listening to iron & wine again.

yeah anyways, if anybody took the time to read all of that sad stuff, thanks for listening. i don't think there's anything anybody could say to make everything a-ok, so don't feel like you have to try.

anyways...franz ferdinand's 'take me out' is an awesome song. download it and love it today.