its wierd how things can seem so unrealistic at times.
you wonder if what you are living is some sort of book; read by you in a distant future, recalling every memory. reveling in the dream. reliving the nightmare.
in the my following words i might sound like a complete moron, babling on about anything and everything, nothing and something.
my grandfather and my mother left today to connecticut to visit my great grandmother. she has been put into critical condition and is being kept alive by machines. she has many things that complicate her life. she has so many illnesses, even to the point where if i were in her position i would wonder what the point was in living. she cannot remember anyone. not a face, not a voice, not a single familiarity. its to the point where she cannot even remember if she ate anything, so...she doesnt eat at all. she cannot control her body, her direction, or thoughts.
so, the hospital is awaiting the arrival of my family to basically say goodbye. i feel saddened because it seems asthough i have experienced a lot of death in less than a year and i grow tired of it. sometimes i feel like screaming away my own mental health. kymest is right though, you live every day and you go on as best as you can.
i honestly dont know how i feel right at this moment. oddly enough, i feel calm. no sadness, no happiness, no anger. i am just sitting here at my computer typing whatever comes to mind. whether its stupid or doesnt make sense, its purpose (i hope) slowly unraveling.
time seems to travel too quickly to notice. i often wonder if the things we do or say are pre-destined to be. would that mean that 'free will' is nothing but another placebo fed to us from birth? to disguise the truth of unavoidable certainties and uncertainties? i talked to one of my friend's fathers and he admitted to me that the one fear he has in life is the question whether a god, a greater power, exists. i guess for some of us, not knowing is a test of faith. if there is, in fact, a greater power would we act the way we do? would we lie, cheat, steal, murder, and destroy if we knew that someone or something was always watching? would you still dream about the impurities that ramble across your mind every day? what would we be?
please excuse me if i am sounding preachy. again, its just one of those things that happen to cross my mind. i have my own beliefs. i am sure that everyone does. i guess i just wish i knew if i was right.
*sigh... well, i suppose thats probably enough 'deep thought' for tonight. can you stomach me for just a few more minutes? i'll tell you what else is going on in my book.
kymest and i went to meet up with a drummer by the name of 'jenni with an i'. she seemed really cool. she was extremely calm. i think i might have come off strong by making the silverware have 'battles' and shaking my hot cocoa as if i were in a twister sequel or reinacting a scene from jurassic park. i am hoping that we will be able to practice and jam a little bit. the current family situation has set me back a little bit. and...you know, i dont feel a lot of sadness (which may seem wrong to some people) for my great grandmother because i have only seen her once in my life. i think i was about five. i think the thing that disturbs me the most is seeing the reactions from the rest of my family. *deep breath...
lately i dont know what to do with myself. late at night its like i want to get up and get out. i just want to get in my truck and go. just go. its not that i am trying to get away, i am just....not tired. bored, in a sense. at the same time though, i know that i should be sleeping more just because my work hours call for me to be to work eeearrrllyyy in da mornin. which sucks.
my mother suggested that if i have been bored or not really tired, i should find something to do...possibly even find a second job just to tire me out. *heh
i am really not sure what to do with that.
i would like to see people more (i think i mentioned this before). i talk on the phone and all but it seems like i dont get the chance to do more.
*slams head into the desk....
i am thinking that i am gonna dress up like mario (super mario) for halloween and that is badass.
hey... thanks for reading. i genuinely appriciate the people that actually do read what i have to say. i know that most people dont really comment and maybe i dont give you a reason to. s'all good though (hah, jess' line) i know if y'got love fo' meh.
respect.
p.s. natalie portman is hot.
you wonder if what you are living is some sort of book; read by you in a distant future, recalling every memory. reveling in the dream. reliving the nightmare.
in the my following words i might sound like a complete moron, babling on about anything and everything, nothing and something.
my grandfather and my mother left today to connecticut to visit my great grandmother. she has been put into critical condition and is being kept alive by machines. she has many things that complicate her life. she has so many illnesses, even to the point where if i were in her position i would wonder what the point was in living. she cannot remember anyone. not a face, not a voice, not a single familiarity. its to the point where she cannot even remember if she ate anything, so...she doesnt eat at all. she cannot control her body, her direction, or thoughts.
so, the hospital is awaiting the arrival of my family to basically say goodbye. i feel saddened because it seems asthough i have experienced a lot of death in less than a year and i grow tired of it. sometimes i feel like screaming away my own mental health. kymest is right though, you live every day and you go on as best as you can.
i honestly dont know how i feel right at this moment. oddly enough, i feel calm. no sadness, no happiness, no anger. i am just sitting here at my computer typing whatever comes to mind. whether its stupid or doesnt make sense, its purpose (i hope) slowly unraveling.
time seems to travel too quickly to notice. i often wonder if the things we do or say are pre-destined to be. would that mean that 'free will' is nothing but another placebo fed to us from birth? to disguise the truth of unavoidable certainties and uncertainties? i talked to one of my friend's fathers and he admitted to me that the one fear he has in life is the question whether a god, a greater power, exists. i guess for some of us, not knowing is a test of faith. if there is, in fact, a greater power would we act the way we do? would we lie, cheat, steal, murder, and destroy if we knew that someone or something was always watching? would you still dream about the impurities that ramble across your mind every day? what would we be?
please excuse me if i am sounding preachy. again, its just one of those things that happen to cross my mind. i have my own beliefs. i am sure that everyone does. i guess i just wish i knew if i was right.
*sigh... well, i suppose thats probably enough 'deep thought' for tonight. can you stomach me for just a few more minutes? i'll tell you what else is going on in my book.
kymest and i went to meet up with a drummer by the name of 'jenni with an i'. she seemed really cool. she was extremely calm. i think i might have come off strong by making the silverware have 'battles' and shaking my hot cocoa as if i were in a twister sequel or reinacting a scene from jurassic park. i am hoping that we will be able to practice and jam a little bit. the current family situation has set me back a little bit. and...you know, i dont feel a lot of sadness (which may seem wrong to some people) for my great grandmother because i have only seen her once in my life. i think i was about five. i think the thing that disturbs me the most is seeing the reactions from the rest of my family. *deep breath...
lately i dont know what to do with myself. late at night its like i want to get up and get out. i just want to get in my truck and go. just go. its not that i am trying to get away, i am just....not tired. bored, in a sense. at the same time though, i know that i should be sleeping more just because my work hours call for me to be to work eeearrrllyyy in da mornin. which sucks.
my mother suggested that if i have been bored or not really tired, i should find something to do...possibly even find a second job just to tire me out. *heh
i am really not sure what to do with that.
i would like to see people more (i think i mentioned this before). i talk on the phone and all but it seems like i dont get the chance to do more.
*slams head into the desk....
i am thinking that i am gonna dress up like mario (super mario) for halloween and that is badass.
hey... thanks for reading. i genuinely appriciate the people that actually do read what i have to say. i know that most people dont really comment and maybe i dont give you a reason to. s'all good though (hah, jess' line) i know if y'got love fo' meh.
respect.
p.s. natalie portman is hot.
velvetwood:
The only treatment...is more cowbell.
malloreigh:
jet li will never die. like bruce lee.