either_or

Took a charter plane to D.C., then on to London. Landed at Heathrow, took a cab to the city centre. Don't let people lie to you; Hostels are for the ugly I'm staying at Home House the most beautiful hotel in the world. Called a friend from school who was selling hash but she wasn't in. Met a couple of Brits who take me to, of all places, Camden Street. I flirt a bit at the Virgin Megastore, buy some CD's, then follow some girls with pink hair. I wandered around trying to get laid until it started to rain, then went back to Home House. Ministry of sound is dead, so I go to Remform but it's gay night. I find the one hetero girl in the place and we dry hump on the dance floor. We cavet back to Home House. I strip her clothes off, suck her toes and we fuck. Hung out for four or five days, met the world's biggest DJ - Paul Oakenfold. Kept missing the changing of the guards. Wrote my mom a postcard I never sent. Bought some speed from an Italian junkie who was trying to sell me a stolen bike. Smoked a lot of hash but it had too much tobacco in it. Saw the Tate, saw Big Ben, ate a lot of weird English food. It rained a lot, it was expensive and I'm jonesing, so I flip for Amsterdam. The Dutch all know English so I don't have to speak any Dutch which was a relief. I cruise the red light district visit a sex show, visit a sex museum, smoke a lot of hash. I meet a Dutch TV actress and we drank Absinthe at a bar called Absinthe. It was the uber cool, I guess. Lots of Van Goghs either nude or wearing tents. Wandered around bought a lot of pastries ate some intense waffles. We bummed some coke and I cruised the red light district until I found some blonde with big tits that reminds me of Lara. I gave her a hundred guilders. In the end she pulls me out and I cum between her tits, even though I'm wearing a rubber. Afterwards we made small talk about AIDS, her Moroccan pimp, and herself. I wake to the sound of a wino singing. It's 8 A.M. and hot as blazes. I pretend to Ice skate around Central station while someone plays the Sax. Trade songs with a Kiwi girl, then split for Paris by train. Wandered the Champs-lyses, climb the Eiffel Tower for only 7 francs because the ticket machine was broken. Got the hang of the Metro, took it everywhere. Went to a Ford model party and hooked up with a Romanian model named Corrina; She tugs my cock at the very nice Champs-lyses, which was good. Played Billiards went shopping. I think she gave me mono. Drove a Ferrari which belongs to a member of the Saudi royal family. Made out with a Dutch model in front of the Louvre, saw the Arc de Triomphe, and almost became road kill crossing the street. Oakey invites me to Dublin so I catch an Aer lingus flight and stay at the Morrison. Dublin rocks like you can't imagine. Oakenfold lets me spin some discs with him. Irish girls are as small as leprechauns. I swap hickeys with a drunk one and after groping my ass and calling me a stairlayer, she strips for me in the bathroom of the club. I sneak into the Guinness factory and steal some stout that's so good my dick goes hard. I fly to Barcelona which is a whirlwind of thoughts: too many fat American students too many lame meat markets. I dropped Acid at the Sagrada Familia which was a trip to say the least. Cruised up the coast to Museo Galidala but had no more acid which sucked. Some girl from Camden calls me on my cell so I let her listen to the church bells of Cattacus. Counta Cruz is beautiful but there are no girls there: just hippies, so I went to Switzerland where I ironically couldn't find anyone with the time. Took the Glacier express up the Schiltzhorn which is beautiful in a way I can't describe. took a pass at Italy and ended up in Venice where I met a hot girl who looks like Rachael Leigh Cook, and speaks better English than I do. She's living for a year on only five dollars a day. We gondola around, buy some masks. She thinks I'm a capatalist because my hotel room costs more for one night than she's spending in her entire trip. She doesn't mind it so much when I pay the bills. I ditch her and hook up with a couple who obviously want a threesome. Too much tension there but the deal goes off and she drives me to Rome, an offer I jump at. Traffic is bad, and we're stopped for hours without moving. The wife turns out to be a freak, the guy starts to wigg out on me; it's like a Polanski film. We stop for a while in Florence where I see some big dome. A bomb goes off and I lose the weird couple, which is probably for the best. I ended up in Rome which is big and hot and dirty, it was just like L.A. but with ruins. I went to the Vatican which is ridiculously opulent. Stood in line for two hours just to get into the Sistine chapel, which, now that it's been cleaned, looks fake. I meet two under-age Italian girls who I try to talk into fucking each other while I jack off onto them. Bored, I buy them some ice cream instead. My hotel has a gym so I work out. I bump into some guy from Camden who says he knows me but I'm sure that he's a fag, so I lose him. I try to fart but instead shit my pants. Back in my hotel room I masturbate and have a pain in my groin. That night I dream about a beautiful girl half in water stretching her lean body. She asks me if I like it and I tell her she can clean fish with it. I don't know what it means, but I wake well-rested, masturbate in the shower, and check out. I make my way back to London and hang out in Piccadilly Circus. Hmm Hallicot. I swap shirts with some upper crusty Cambridge chick. Her's was an Agnes B, mine was Lacoste. She acts all stuffy and British but she's really wild underneath it all. She barely looks at my abs though she wants to. the next day I drop some acid and get lost in the subway for a full day and can't find my way out I meet a cute girl who lets me jack off onto her as long as no cum gets on her Paul Smith coat we get stoned listening to Michael Jackson records and I wake up talking to myself I have a big bump on my head from flailing in my sleep I get my stuff and barely make my plane back to the United States I no longer know who I am and I feel like the ghost of a total stranger.

in short, have fun, i miss you, and come back safely.