eisenlancer

The California trip is not going the way I had hoped. I'm dealing with the nagging pain of a torn internal muscle...one I have no voluntary control over, so it doesn't want to heal. Treatment options are not pleasant and it's an ongoing source of stress for me. On top of that, my family that I'm visiting here didn't make any kind of plans for stuff to do, which kind of pisses me off. I didn't come here to sit around and do shit I could be doing in lame ass Oklahoma. We went to Stone Brewery yesterday and ate, which was alright...but today the best they could come up with was to go see some old ships in the harbor in downtown San Diego. That turned out to be kinda lame and we just drove back to the house. The trip was just long enough for me to start thinking about the usual depressing shit, so my day is currently off to a bad start. The top of the list of bad thoughts is that I've been single for a while. I'm not saying I require a relationship to function, I think it's more the lack of physical contact that is making me crazy. I'm very affectionate, and I guess it kinda destabilizes me when I'm starved of it. I guess reality is also finally setting in with this crush I have too. I'm coming to the realization that she's not going to notice someone like me and lives about 1,500 from me...so why should I bother anyway? Yeah, I have similar interests, but I don't consider myself to be all that attractive and I don't have loads of money. I also had my ability to reproduce removed...so I probably made myself unattractive to most of the planet. I had my reasons to do it and they weren't up for debate.

I need to stop being so down on myself. I'm hoping this trip turns around, so I don't go home with feelings of regret.