eirian

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Why don't network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: You are about to watch a real piece of shit."

If I only had one tooth, I think I would brush it a real long time.

Why is it that, when making a reference to something in the past, people often think they have to say, "I hope I'm not dating myself?" Listen, if you're so embarrassed by your age, there's a simply solution: open a vein.

The idea of a walk-in closet sounds frightening. If I'm ever sittin' at home and a closet walks in, I'm gettin' outta there.

"No comment" is a comment.

How can there possibly be a self-addressed envelope? They say now they even have envelopes that are self-sealing. This I gotta see!

Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form?

People ask me if I have an e-mail address, and I say, "www.fuckyou.com@blowme/upyourass." And they seem to understand.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

What does it mean to pre-board? To get on before you get on?

"We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teacher's attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters."

These self-important techno-dicks who walk around with these hands-free telephone heads sets and ear pieces . . . . I say, 'Hey spaceman, as long as your hands are free why don't you reach over and fondle my balls, would you please?'

"We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed, drooling little nitwit, who, at age of ten, not only continues to wet the bed, but also shits on the school bus."

'Well you know what my daddy used to say? My daddy used to say, blab-blabby-dab-blabby-dab-blabby dab-dab-dab.'

'Oh he did, did he? Well wasn't that fucking enlightening? My daddy used to say: fuck your daddy! Fuck your daddy in his wrinkled rustic rural country asshole. Grow up Billy-Joe-Carl-Bob-Danny-Frank!'

Comments on language, from Brain Droppings:

I'm tired of television announcers, hosts, newscaster, and commentators, nibbling away at the English language, making obvious and ignorant mistakes. If I were in charge of America's broadcast stations and networks, I would gather together all the people whose jobs include speaking to the public, and I would not let them out of the room until they had absorbed the following suggestions.

The English word forte, meaning "specialty" or "strong point," is not pronounced "for-tay." Got that? It is pronounced "fort." The Italian word forte, used in music notation, is pronounced "for-tay," and it instructs the musician to play loud: "She plays the skin flute, and her forte [fort] is playing forte [for-tay]." Look it up. And don't give me that whiny shit, "For-tay is listed as the second preference." There's a reason it's second: because it's not first!

I know I'm fighting a losing battle with this one, but I refuse to surrender: Collapsing a building with explosives is not an implosion. An implosion is a very specific scientific phenomenon. The collapsing of a building with explosives is the collapsing of a building with explosives. The explosives explode, and the building collapses inwardly. That is not an implosion. It is an inward collapsing of a building, following a series of smaller explosions designed to make it collapse inwardly. Period. Fuck you.

Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it? First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice. If you simply say, "Don't make the same mistake, " you'll avoid the first mistake.

Healthy does not mean "healthful." Healthy is a condition, healthful is a property. Vegetable aren't healthy, they're dead. No food is healthy. Unless you have an eggplant that's doing push-ups. Push-ups are healthful.

As of yet is simply stupid. As yet, I've seen no progress on this one, but of course I'm speaking as of now.

Here's one you hear from the truly dense: "The proof is in the pudding." Well, the proof is not in the pudding; the rice and raisins are in the pudding. The proof of the pudding is in the eating. In this case, proof means "test." The same is true of "the exception that proves (tests) the rule."

An eye for an eye is not a call for revenge, it is an argument for fairness. In the time of the Bible, it was standard to take a life in exchange for an eye. But the Bible said, No, the punishment should fit the crime. Only and eye for an eye, nothing more. It is not vindictive, it is mitigatory.

Here's one you can win money on in a bar if you're within reach of the right reference book: Chomping at the bit and old stomping ground are incorrect. Some Saturday afternoon when you're getting bombed on your old stamping ground, you'll be champing at the bit to use this one.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

"Farewell, til we meet again; peace be with you. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

Go running into any quiet store on a Sunday and scream, "ARE YOU OPEN ON THURSDAY?" They say yes, you scream "THANK YOU!" Then run! Let them figure it out.

Advertising Lullaby

Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience
Economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality
Low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms
Affordable prices, money-back guarantee.

Free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations,
Free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking.

No cash? No problem! No kidding! No fuss, no muss,
No risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment,
No entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary,
No one will call on you, no payments or interest till September.

Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money,
Offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately,
Batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final,
Allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available,
Some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.

So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation
with our friendly, professional staff. Our experienced and
knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a
selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget.

And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift: a classic deluxe
custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select
gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. Yours for the asking,
no purchase necessary. It's our way of saying thank you.

And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary
bonus gift at no cost to you: a classic deluxe custom designer
luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination
key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine
imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim.
Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary. It's our way of
saying thank you.

Actually, it's our way of saying 'Bend over just a little farther
so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass,
A little bit deeper,
a little bit deeper
. . . a little bit DEEPER!
You miserable,
no-good, dumbass fucking consumer!'

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Go into a gift shop and ask for your gift.

Go into the dry cleaners and ask the man if he can remove the stain from one pair of pants and put it on another pair.

From Brain Droppings:

THE "PRE-" EPIDEMIC

Preboard, prescreen, prerecord, pretaped, preexisting, preorder, pre-heat, preplan, pretest, precondition, preregister. In nearly all of these cases you can drop the "pre" and not change the meaning of the word.

"The suicide film was not prescreened by the school." No, of course not. It was screened.

"You can call and prequalify for a loan over the phone. Your loan is preapproved." Well, if my loan is approved before I call then no approval is necessary. The loan is simply available.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to himself, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Meow means "woof" in cat.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

From When will Jesus bring the Porkchops?

Here's something you can't do by yourself: practice shaking hands.

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man with no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

He died on the feast of St. Dismas, after mistakenly eating a bag of after-dinner mints before lunch.

As a young man he wanted to be gynecologist, but claimed he couldn't find an opening.

Used to be you had to go to Europe to find a spa. Now any place that has a sink and more than three towels is a fucking spa.

If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead.

Personal ad: "Hello, I am Henri. I am fifty-five years old, and I am looking for someone who will leave me alone. Please respond. And then leave me alone."

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

--------------------------
PENITENT: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Yesterday, I killed my third priest in a month. The first time it scared me. The second time I had no feeling at all. The third time . . . I actually began to like it.

PRIEST: I'm not really a priest, son. I'm just cleaning the confessional.
--------------------------

When the supermarket checkout person asks, "Paper or plastic?" I often say, "Woven silk," just to keep him on his toes. "Rolled steel" is not a bad answer either.

--------------------------
WONG: We've been told that all the kings horses and all the king's men tried to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

KING'S MAN: That's not completely true. Some of the king's horses and a few of the king's men. But not all. The king has a lot of horses and men. They're needed for parades.
--------------------------

Suppose you tried to fuck a woman who had ten personalities, and nine of them said okay, but one of them resisted and tried to fight you off. Would that still be rape?

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continuing dark, turning to partly light in the morning.

From George Carlin's List of People Who Ought to Be Killed

"Why do some many people need help? Life is not that complicated. You get up, you go to work, you eat three meals, you take one good shit, and you go back to bed. What's the fucking mystery? And the part I really don't understand: if you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? That's not self-help; that's help. There's no such thing as self-help; if you did it yourself, you didn't need help. You did it yourself! Try to pay attention to the language we've all agreed on.

"And a similar, a similar mystery to me: motivation books, motivation seminars. Why would anyone need to be motivated by someone else? I say, if you lack motivation, a seminar isn't going to help ya. What you really need is to be smashed in the head thirty or forty times with a golf club. That'll fucking motivate ya. Or else it'll at least get you up and moving around the room. Y'know, locate your socks; shit like that. Get the day rolling."

Speaking of dead people, there are things we always say. . . . "I think he's up there now smiling down at us." . . . And why doesn't anyone ever say, "I think he's down there now smiling up at us?"

"We all know that millions of farts are released by Americans each day, but did you know not all of them are free to rejoin the atmosphere? It's true. A small but significant number of farts each day are hopelessly trapped in seat cushions, suspended forever in cotton padding or foam rubber. We're asking you to help rescue these forgotten farts by sending your donations to the Fart Retrieval League. We'll send you a booklet entitled The Facts on Farts. And next time you're in a hotel lobby, do your part: Jump up and down on a seat cushion for several minutes and liberate a few trapped farts."

Emergency Situation. News people like to say, "Police have responded to an emergency situation." No they haven't. They've responded to an emergency. We KNOW it's a situation. Everything is a situation.

You know what nobody talks about anymore? Pussy farts.

That's another complaint of mine, too much use of this prefix pre . . . It's all over the language now. pre this, pre that. "Place the turkey in a preheated oven." It's ridiculous. There are only two states an oven can possibly exist in, heated or unheated! Preheated is a meaningless fucking term. That's like pre-recorded: "this program was pre-recorded." Well of course it was pre-recorded! When else you gonna record it? Afterwards? That's the whole purpose of recording, to do it beforehand! Otherwise it doesn't really work does it? Pre-existing, pre-planning, pre-screening. You know what I tell these people? PRE-SUCK MY GENITAL SITUATION! And they seem to understand what I'm talking about.

It's neither here nor there. Well, folks, it's gotta be somewhere. I certainly don't have it.

If a really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?

The New Testament is not new anymore; it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it The Less Old Testament.

I got into an argument this morning with my Rice Krispies. I distinctly heard: "Snap, crackle, fuck him."


Rest in peace, motherfucker.