eio

HUGGERY

I sent a short message along with this link about inter-office hugging by email yesterday . The topic is still with me. Yesterday was another Potluck day for CIS. Potluck is code. In most work places these situations can be labeled 'Manufactured Fun Events'.

The article goes on about some tales of how hugging and physical contact is perceived in the work place. In the 1990's it was common that strict policies were drawn up to avoid lawsuits. The suggestion is made that the reigns have been softened over the last few years. Co-workers are engaging in more social activities outside of work.

Dunno.

I work in such a fractured environment I really don't know what is what. Personally I feel like I am being forced into gravitating in a different direction. There is another Manufactured Fun Event today, the Training Team is supposed to go out to lunch together. Sandra Dee's a BBQ joint. Pardon? I am to go to lunch with people who have historically made fun of my eating habits, accused me of being a spree killer, of having psychiatric problems (not psychological - psychiatric) and feel they do not have to associate with me? I don't want to go as more than likely they will complain if I do anything 'not normal' or just decide not to eat because I'm not hungry. There's a reason I am at 200 lbs and no longer at 275 lbs.

For many years the Hula Hoop was up. I disdained unnecessary physical contact. It irritated me to no end. Not the irritated where it sounds like I am a snob about other humans. No, this would be the irritation where I would flinch, often exaggeratingly so (I am sure exaggeratingly is a word - don't question me, you look it up), when touched in public. After the flinching came the undue sense of indignation and/or a stern, "you're touching me" declaration. There are still echoes in the Mt Shasta Mall - my reaction to my mother touching my ass.

The Hula Hoop is easy enough to understand. While I was student teaching in 1999 I had a student with social issues. Awkward, more than a bit. He was a close talker. From what my supervising teacher told me he didn't have many friends and was very reclusive. He further warned to watch out since he was a big kid. He was large. But not any larger than I was.

Stuck on afternoon lunch duty for a week and passing in the halls each day I noticed that part of the general gym class was using a Hula Hoop. Makes sense. Anything to aid enticement for movement - and if any kid is too big for the Hula Hoop, well, there's your problem.

I had a study hall/detention period for a week and since I loathed giving kids detention. The only punishment I could think of was watching British Comedy (the Young Ones, Monty Python's Flying Circus, et al.). Of course students started showing up just to watch with me. I took two of the students I trusted - both who asked for letters of recommendation for colleges they were applying to, and asked them to grab a few Hula Hoops from the gym. I asked them to hang out in Study Hall/Detention and talk to the special needs student.

With each student holding the Hula Hoop at waist level I pointed out that the gap from the perimeter of the Hula Hoop to their body was their personal space. That they should respect their space and not invade someone else's personal space. The special needs student turned out wasn't really that special needy. He had poor hearing and he mouthed what other people were saying. He moved closer to hear people. His size, and okay, his smell with close proximity would create a natural repulsion.

The kid did shower enough; just not very well. The kid didn't use deodorant a lot; just didn't see the need. His clothing was usually worn four or five times before it was washed; just didn't feel the next for April freshness.

He was an only child as far as he knew. His father was long gone and his mother not exactly a parent worthy of noting. Who knows if they had other children? He was a bit overweight, more than likely because he ate as an outlet. He probably ate crap food because nobody was going to bother to put a balanced diet in front of him. He said he was at Wendy's a lot for their $1 menu.

I asked to see the student's record. I was walked into the safe and reviewed the file with the Vice-Principal. For some reason she was keen to defend their system of record keeping. I had asked if they had copies of the state mandated tests but they were unavailable. I didn't press so I just went off of what was in the file. D's across the board except in English where the occasional 'C' or 'B' popped up. I asked if they had ever tested him for a learning disability. She said they had. I asked why it wasn't in the file. She couldn't explain. I followed up, 'does he or doesn't he have a learning disability'. She didn't know. So I asked if he could be tested at the school and I arranged for the student to be tested at Wilkes as well.

The Vice-Principal asked why. She was very close to receiving the might of my thunder. Instead, I just said it seems like he has some problems with verbal skills and he is more than likely dyslexic. But like most learning disabilities he has found a way to cope on his own this far. I just added, 'you know I'm just a student-teacher so I am probably just reaching too far for a kid that doesn't get enough attention.'

I was out two weeks after that. My student-teaching term was up. I set up the test with the Education Department at Wilkes. I know he showed up. I know the two girls had started talking to him when they saw him. And one walked him over for the test after school. I had offered to do it myself because I walked home past the campus every day. I know he started using deodorant and he answered a direct question from me in class without being noticeably embarrassed. Critical thinking question, too. Sure it was something I knew he knew, but a softball every so often never hurts. He got his haircut close so he didn't have to worry about it - but the kid had a nice skull and it was the style at the time.

Could I have hugged the kid? Or even the two girls for helping? Hell no. A teacher can't do that with a student. EVER. As much as you might touch someone's life at that age - you just can't do that. Physical contact is right out. Not only for legal reasons but because emotionally and psychologically it could do some real damage it can be taken the wrong way. You get that close to a person and you still can't engage in physical contact. Oh, I could have hugged the Vice-Principal. Squeezed her real good adding, 'I can really tell you CARE so much'.

That was me for a very long time. 'There's nothing you can say with a hug you can't say with a handshake'. Great bumper sticker and t-shirt. I just didn't see the need. I became gun shy. And in crowds of packed rooms my face clenched up like a vault and I tried to make myself Lincoln Log thin. Pretty much the same thing when friends tried to hug me in public. My friend Jennifer would scream and wave her arms and run at me making a big deal about it because it bugged me so much.

Didn't help.

It took years and years for me to come to a point where I know my boundaries with physical contact. Instead of dogma I have guidelines and rules. The difficulty comes in legislating emotion. I honestly don't know how I might react if physical contact comes into play. I know I like hugging people I care about. There is a picture of me somewhere of me hugging my friend after she gave me my birthday present this year. I absolutely enveloped her. Of course, she was my first girlfriend way back in the 5th grade and technically my first kiss. And I would rip out a vital organ with my bare hands if she needed it. So, maybe it's a learning curve. If I can figure out my personal situation with physical contact I can try to see what the parameters in the workplace. You would think that no touching is the easiest way to go.

Hugs...EiO