Memorare, O piissima Virgo Maria, non esse auditum a saeculo, quemquam ad tua currentem praesidia, tua implorantem auxilia, tua petentem suffragia, esse derelictum. Ego tali animatus confidentia, ad te, Virgo Virginum, Mater, curro, ad te venio, coram te gemens peccator assisto. Noli, Mater Verbi, verba mea despicere; sed audi propitia et exaudi.
Amen.
Prayer for the version of myself that has decided that she doesn't like to leave her apartment, wake up to alarms, or eat. Before i exorcise her.
The only person i felt like calling today, who has a dark side similar to mine and would maybe be able to provide some comfort, won't speak to me anymore.
Weird, how the only two boyfriends i've had in the past five years, both want nothing to do with me. Sucks. How can people go from best friends to strangers so quickly?
i was finally starting to catch up and get movin, i don't know what happened. I can't make sense of it or use my knowledge of psychology to analyze or justify the things i do, anymore.
i feel empty and out of control.
At least, it's easy to start climbing up when you're this far down...
Today was technically my last day of class. I didn't go. I've been in bed all week. Haven't left my apartment since ...saturday?
ha, yea. i really lost it fer real this time, friends.
ANyhow. Other than this rainstorm i've been stuck in, I turned 22 on the 16th. Some friends came out to celebrate with meee, it was fun.
a special Thank you to Arkane who made the drive from DC to come play.
When you work at a bar and your co-workers make it their personal mission to get you obliterated...well...maybe you'll wake up to hear your lover say 'babyyy, come back into bed', and you will look at the bed, look down at the floor you've been passed out on since you rolled off of your bed, look at your lover, and say "oh... i'm on the floor." (my bed is only a foot or 1.5 feet off of the groundI dropped it from it's bedframe to make my sleeping corner more cozy. So, it wasn't a painful experience or anything. and I slept really, really well.)
Said lover is a beautiful man-creature that i've been 'seeing', 'dating', whatev anyone calls it these days, since it became obvious that things were un-fixable between me and the one i done so wrong while i was in Miami. I really wanted us to be happy and loverly and some twisted version of perfect(as perfect as two Crazies can be?), but when he completely stopped speaking to me....yea. i figured that was it. He doesn't even acknowledge my presence, now. I guess it's what i deserve, if you forget that fact that i'm only human, and am bound to fuck up just as much as everyone else is.....Most people just aren't as honest about it as i am. Ask him if he told his girlfriend about his wrong-doings when he was my age. hmph. Previous statement retracted, for it's bitter tone. I adore the boy, there's no bitterness on my side. only confusion.
SO yea, i was getting cold in my empty bed at night and i'm not one to deny a bedwarmer. (and there has never been a lack of volunteers for that position in my life, post highschool, between cuddle-friends and prospective lovers) There was one who was more convenient than the rest, (we worked together) and what started out very innocently ..
{ie, we were Bedwarmers in the most literal sense. We slept next to each other. Like how i would next to my best guy friends, except with a lot more sexual tension. because it was obvious we found eachother attractive, but i wasn't wanting to get involved with another boy, as i was confused enough by one of them, already.}
..soon transitioned into something more, as such things tend to happen when two people that are attracted to each other spend enough time in the same bed. And, i never thought it would happen this way...but he's got my attention. hardcore. and falling in love, once again, feels like being on drugs. Except this time i'm a little more wise. I credit our success to how openly we communicate. And that we're both very non-jealous people who don't take things personally.
I'm going to go grocery shopping now, because all i've had to eat for the past week is craisins, a tiny bit of garlic bread, and most of a really delicious dark, organic chocolate bar. My 'skinny' pants are starting to feel loose, and i just realized i'm fucking starving.
Amen.
Prayer for the version of myself that has decided that she doesn't like to leave her apartment, wake up to alarms, or eat. Before i exorcise her.
The only person i felt like calling today, who has a dark side similar to mine and would maybe be able to provide some comfort, won't speak to me anymore.
Weird, how the only two boyfriends i've had in the past five years, both want nothing to do with me. Sucks. How can people go from best friends to strangers so quickly?
i was finally starting to catch up and get movin, i don't know what happened. I can't make sense of it or use my knowledge of psychology to analyze or justify the things i do, anymore.
i feel empty and out of control.
At least, it's easy to start climbing up when you're this far down...
Today was technically my last day of class. I didn't go. I've been in bed all week. Haven't left my apartment since ...saturday?
ha, yea. i really lost it fer real this time, friends.
ANyhow. Other than this rainstorm i've been stuck in, I turned 22 on the 16th. Some friends came out to celebrate with meee, it was fun.
a special Thank you to Arkane who made the drive from DC to come play.
When you work at a bar and your co-workers make it their personal mission to get you obliterated...well...maybe you'll wake up to hear your lover say 'babyyy, come back into bed', and you will look at the bed, look down at the floor you've been passed out on since you rolled off of your bed, look at your lover, and say "oh... i'm on the floor." (my bed is only a foot or 1.5 feet off of the groundI dropped it from it's bedframe to make my sleeping corner more cozy. So, it wasn't a painful experience or anything. and I slept really, really well.)
Said lover is a beautiful man-creature that i've been 'seeing', 'dating', whatev anyone calls it these days, since it became obvious that things were un-fixable between me and the one i done so wrong while i was in Miami. I really wanted us to be happy and loverly and some twisted version of perfect(as perfect as two Crazies can be?), but when he completely stopped speaking to me....yea. i figured that was it. He doesn't even acknowledge my presence, now. I guess it's what i deserve, if you forget that fact that i'm only human, and am bound to fuck up just as much as everyone else is.....Most people just aren't as honest about it as i am. Ask him if he told his girlfriend about his wrong-doings when he was my age. hmph. Previous statement retracted, for it's bitter tone. I adore the boy, there's no bitterness on my side. only confusion.
SO yea, i was getting cold in my empty bed at night and i'm not one to deny a bedwarmer. (and there has never been a lack of volunteers for that position in my life, post highschool, between cuddle-friends and prospective lovers) There was one who was more convenient than the rest, (we worked together) and what started out very innocently ..
{ie, we were Bedwarmers in the most literal sense. We slept next to each other. Like how i would next to my best guy friends, except with a lot more sexual tension. because it was obvious we found eachother attractive, but i wasn't wanting to get involved with another boy, as i was confused enough by one of them, already.}
..soon transitioned into something more, as such things tend to happen when two people that are attracted to each other spend enough time in the same bed. And, i never thought it would happen this way...but he's got my attention. hardcore. and falling in love, once again, feels like being on drugs. Except this time i'm a little more wise. I credit our success to how openly we communicate. And that we're both very non-jealous people who don't take things personally.
I'm going to go grocery shopping now, because all i've had to eat for the past week is craisins, a tiny bit of garlic bread, and most of a really delicious dark, organic chocolate bar. My 'skinny' pants are starting to feel loose, and i just realized i'm fucking starving.
I've missed seeing you around. You should call me sometime to say hello.