i don't really have a whole lot of time to fuck around on here, these days. and i'm trying to cut down on the things that are distracting me from the things i reallyreallyreally want to do.
Most of the words that mean anything have been going into my real journal. Or, spoken, because real-life is really much more fun than binary code and pixels.
i'll be going gray Feb. 20th.
In the meantime, i'm busy getting my life together, trying to trade my mastery for self-sabotage for whatever the opposite of that is, trying to get through my last semester of school, surrounding myself with people that make life more sense, .....
the past month has taught me a lot about myself. Sometimes you have to figure our what's not real to be able to realize what is real. Sometimes you have to figure out what you don't want to know what you do want, or what is completely wrong for you, and it can be hard and complicated and confusing, and force you to go into the deepestdeepest dark corners of your past, where you unintentionally made certain agreements with yourself that have had a fucked up influence on your life.
And sometimes, in the midst of your fumbling to find these things out, and when the walls you build up around yourself for protection only end up hurting you and other people in the end,
sometimes,
or maybe just once or twice,
or maybe just right now,
you'll come across someone (who isn't your best friend since fetus, or your family) who is special enough to have the ability to understand and connect to the awesomeness and fucked-up-ness that makes you who you are, who is willing to stick around and give you the space you need to grow, who can turn the incessant, anxious, confusing, overanalytical banter that happens inside your head off.
and and and,
you might finally open your eyes and realize that you've been pushing love away for years, because it wasn't the right time, wasn't the right person, or because you didn't think you deserved it, or because you didn't think anyone else could possibly be able to offer the understanding and intensity and appreciation for dark and light that you know you're capable of.....
and sometimes, and by sometimes, of course i mean now, things feel so right that you find yourself a bulldozer to knock your walls down, and feelunafraid. Not that it's not scary, and you know there might be some annoying rubble to trip on, but...
yea.
You know, i've always said my head need an 'off' button, sometimes. How exquisite to be able to spend time with someone who can turn my head off, and my body on....
_______________________________
"I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing."
-Neil Gaiman
"To find a person who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person
with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness. -Robert Brault, software
developer, writer (1938- )
"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it."
Swedish Proverb quotes
~*Dr Seuss (i always knew he was a wise, wise man):
"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
"How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?"
"Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one."
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities."
"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own.
And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go."
"You're in pretty good shape for the shape you are in."
~*Ayn Rand
"Love is an expression and assertion of self-esteem, a response to one's own values in the person of another. One gains a profoundly personal, selfish joy from the mere existence of the person one loves. It is one's own personal, selfish happiness that one seeks, earns, and derives from love."
"We can evade reality, but we cannot evade the consequences of evading reality"
"Mister, there's nothing I've got to do except die"
"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once."
-Albert Einstein
"The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. stone crumbles. wood rots. people, well, they die. but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on."
- Chuck Palahniuk
"You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be."
- Chuck Palahniuk
Tom Robbins:
"To achieve the impossible; it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought."
"Our Similarities bring us to a common ground; Our Differences allow us to be fascinated by each other"
"The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplacable being."
"When they tell you to grow up, they mean stop growing."
Oh, and this, too
Most of the words that mean anything have been going into my real journal. Or, spoken, because real-life is really much more fun than binary code and pixels.
i'll be going gray Feb. 20th.
In the meantime, i'm busy getting my life together, trying to trade my mastery for self-sabotage for whatever the opposite of that is, trying to get through my last semester of school, surrounding myself with people that make life more sense, .....
the past month has taught me a lot about myself. Sometimes you have to figure our what's not real to be able to realize what is real. Sometimes you have to figure out what you don't want to know what you do want, or what is completely wrong for you, and it can be hard and complicated and confusing, and force you to go into the deepestdeepest dark corners of your past, where you unintentionally made certain agreements with yourself that have had a fucked up influence on your life.
And sometimes, in the midst of your fumbling to find these things out, and when the walls you build up around yourself for protection only end up hurting you and other people in the end,
sometimes,
or maybe just once or twice,
or maybe just right now,
you'll come across someone (who isn't your best friend since fetus, or your family) who is special enough to have the ability to understand and connect to the awesomeness and fucked-up-ness that makes you who you are, who is willing to stick around and give you the space you need to grow, who can turn the incessant, anxious, confusing, overanalytical banter that happens inside your head off.
and and and,
you might finally open your eyes and realize that you've been pushing love away for years, because it wasn't the right time, wasn't the right person, or because you didn't think you deserved it, or because you didn't think anyone else could possibly be able to offer the understanding and intensity and appreciation for dark and light that you know you're capable of.....
and sometimes, and by sometimes, of course i mean now, things feel so right that you find yourself a bulldozer to knock your walls down, and feelunafraid. Not that it's not scary, and you know there might be some annoying rubble to trip on, but...
yea.
You know, i've always said my head need an 'off' button, sometimes. How exquisite to be able to spend time with someone who can turn my head off, and my body on....
_______________________________
"I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing."
-Neil Gaiman
"To find a person who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person
with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness. -Robert Brault, software
developer, writer (1938- )
"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it."
Swedish Proverb quotes
~*Dr Seuss (i always knew he was a wise, wise man):
"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
"How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?"
"Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one."
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities."
"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own.
And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go."
"You're in pretty good shape for the shape you are in."
~*Ayn Rand
"Love is an expression and assertion of self-esteem, a response to one's own values in the person of another. One gains a profoundly personal, selfish joy from the mere existence of the person one loves. It is one's own personal, selfish happiness that one seeks, earns, and derives from love."
"We can evade reality, but we cannot evade the consequences of evading reality"
"Mister, there's nothing I've got to do except die"
"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once."
-Albert Einstein
"The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. stone crumbles. wood rots. people, well, they die. but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on."
- Chuck Palahniuk
"You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be."
- Chuck Palahniuk
Tom Robbins:
"To achieve the impossible; it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought."
"Our Similarities bring us to a common ground; Our Differences allow us to be fascinated by each other"
"The highest function of love is that it makes the loved one a unique and irreplacable being."
"When they tell you to grow up, they mean stop growing."
Oh, and this, too
Im glad you're happy. Maybe you guys can come up to DC and we can hang out again?