eidolon

today, my girlsriend's x called her out of nowhere and proposed to her. she said yes. you know those moments where you just wish you could get angry, but for whatever reason you can't..... actually loving someone is a bitch, eh? i wrote her this a couple of hours after she told me.

imagine us - someplace sunny and warm, leaning gently into our quiet embrace and speaking, with soft honesty, the words that we must.

so, i talked to you a couple of hours ago, and i really don't know what to say. i wish that i could tell you that i was happy without reservation, but i can't do that. i don't think that you would ever expect that i could. you know i care about you a great deal; sometimes it scares me how much. in those moments when i have to stop and ask myself 'why?' i can never find an answer. for me, that is a beautiful thing because it means that my feelings for you are true. you are a wonderful, beautiful, strong woman. frankly, i don't even think that you know how much you have to offer the world. you know that you have something to offer, but i'm afraid that you don't even see it as being as vast as iit is.

there is so much between us. we obviously care a great deal for each other and each wants happiness and security for the other. in addition to that, i feel a powerful and profound physical attraction. i don't feel that for many women, yet with you, there is no denying it. in fact, i don't even try to hide it. thats why it makes me sad to know that our relationship has built in limitations. when push comes to shove, we are, at our cores, different people with different experiences and outlooks. while we have found strength where we overlap, there are still so many places in which we do not. i'm glad it never came to one of us having to ask the other to change so that we could exist as one. i've said it before and i'll say it again: when you love someone, you love all parts of them, strengths, quirks and flaws, as a complete package. you know thats how i feel about you. sadly, those are the things that inspire these words.

when you told me, a while back, that the two of you were talking again and that you weren't sure what the outcome would be, i almost spoke up. for whatever reason, i didn't. i am going to now, simply because of the nature of the decision you've made. your decision involves love, which, as we know, is both strong and fragile. moreover, having made this decision, you are putting more at risk than you ever have before. don't take this as a negative thing, just know it. this is the biggest risk you have taken. that said, i support you in it. it would hurt me more deeply than you could ever know if this risk went bad. i hope to experience your joy, not your pain. without question, thats what you want, as well. when you told me that he was back in the picture, i almost stepped aside. almost, but i couldn't. i know what he means to you, and i think that it would be cruel of me to do anything other than support you. yet, my own feelings could not be denied. despite that, i knew that if it came down to a choice, i wasn't the right one. i knew that then, as i know it now. frankly, i didn't expect the choice to be made in such a dramatic manner, but i know you well enough to know thats how it goes.

i wish that, in the big picture, that we were the right choices for each other. the truth is that we are, just not in the way that i (maybe we) had hoped. but, what we have is what we've always had. my feelings haven't changed, and i don't think that they should. i will still look forward to every chance to see and talk to you. i meant it when i said that seeing you once a week just wasn't good for either of us. you remember that feeling, i know. feels good. you know, as well as i do, that i could prattle on in the abstract like this for ever, but i've got to stop somewhere. i have a proposal of my own. i want one more heady, care-free, dripping with joy night. after that, all the rules can change, and you know i'll follow them. until then, i am left with the feeling of unfinished business. we need to have the night we never had. you and i. no rules. no looking over our shoulders. no caution, no regret. i, for one, don't want to be left with any questions. after saturday night, the future takes hold. we will still have our fondness, our time and our love (we're still going to celebrate your birthday privately, as we'd planned, but the rules will have changed by then). I know i'm not losing you; far from it. our future is bright, i just want us to be able to turn the corner into that future together. this time, we're not going to do it with a phone call. i'm not making any assumptions, here. that wouldn't be fair, and you know i wouldn't do that. i'm just asking for us to celebrate saturday as our last moment in the sun, because, to me, regardless of our future, thats what it will be. frankly, i'll be choking back tears. so, lets pull out all the stops, turn the volume to eleven, and kick some ass.

these parts of me. these letters of naked, fearlessness will always be yours. they will be the part of me that you can hold forever. i get to carry the feelings of knowing that in a world of boys, you call me a man. i get to see your eyes drawing closer to me before a soft kiss and the promise to talk soon. you'll always have a place in my arms. you don't even have to knock. the panties - remember, those aren't for him, at least not yet.

stop. lean in to me. feel the strength and warmth as your shoulders ease back against my chest and my arms wrap around you. quietly, as my arms close a little tighter and, in a voice deep, yet almost inaudible, i tell you that i've only been in love once before. from now on, i think that i can say that i've been in love twice, and never regretted a moment.

exhale and evolve