egostang

I don't know if I will ever be over this. I sent this to a friend, but getting it out made me a feel a little better (and a little worse for having to think about it again) but I thought I would post it here as well because it really says all the thigsn I was not able to say before.

That fact that you even care is good enough for me. That's what real friends do, they care. True friends don't solve your problems, but they listen and really care about what you say.

There is a lot I tried to say to Nate that he did not hear. The reason I went from being so in love to hating him is ultimately that he betrayed my trust and made me believe he was someone who he was not. I thought we were together. I mean everybody thought we were together as far as I knew. I learned though that we were not, even at Deal's Gap, not before that either, we weren't "together". According to Nate we were just "really good friends" and those were his exact words. He said he'd wanted to tell me he loved me and I the same (as we had before when he was in Iraq) but how can you love someone and also tell them that you know that it will never work out so instead of trying, instead of compromising you settle to let that person think you are serious and together when really you're only a glorified fuck buddy. Nate was the only person I ever seriously picutred myself with far into the future.

I'd sworn off marines, but I couldn't resist him. He said that he was a marine and that was why it would never work. I would have tried. Now that I see how things really are I know it could not have worked. But I would not have abandoned someone I "loved" and demoted them to convenient fuck. And then he had the audacity to say that I was the one only physically attracted to him (instead of vice versa), though I was the one who wanted more. I'm just so mad about it all still. He was confused about why I couldn't just stop being in love with him and be friends. How the hell am I supposed to? I can forgive (some) but I can't forget. I can't just overlook the fact that he took all the trust I had in him and threw it away after we had both talked so much about how we had so little trust from our past relationships. I let my guards down, and now I can't even stand the thought of being with someone.

And I know that I am fucked up all on my own. I have my own problems but I don't deny them. I try my best, and I try to improve but it doesn't happen overnight. I'm opinionated and "mean". So fucking yay to loneliness. He has no idea what he has done to me and that is the worst part of all.

Sorry, that was actually a bit more than I intended on typing.