eero

it has just come to my attention that unicorns are mythical creatures.



this puts one major dent in my dreams of becoming one such creature when i grow up.

turns out that you can't even major in being a unicorn. at least not at my school. our advising office sucks. they suggested i take a class called, "therapy", but i have no time for that, i need to find some other animal to be instead of the emperor of the animal kingdom, the unicorn.

i've been thinking about it, and most animals don't even come close. nothing has their beauty, their grace, they uncanny ability to avoid arrest. i mean, honestly, who's gonna suspect the unicorn?

i could roam the fields, galloping along, enjoying the sunshine, goring and maiming people left and right. nobody would ever be the wiser. those bastard wolverines and grizzly bears would be blamed for it, not kevin, the pranciful (yet murdurous) unicorn.

i guess i could be a bat. bats are kinda cool. they get to hunt for their prey using sonar, and they're like gods come halloweentime. better yet, i could be a dolphin. they're like the bats of the sea. but cuter. only they don't have their own holiday.

i could be a monkey. they get to go to space. and that's where the astronauts are. astronauts are pretty rad. but you know that when i'm hanging out in the spaceship i'll get bored and start looking at earth, and i'll see a unicorn, only it'll really just be a horse eating an icecream or something. but i won't find that out until i come all the way back down to earth, and after re-entry i'm all like, "damn, it's just two people dressed as a horse, and they're wearing a party hat." only i say it in monkey speak. that would blow.

i'll figure it out someday.

but for now i'll just keep being some hot, radical dude.

a man can still dream though. dream about trotting through the prairie, one fine sunny day, listening to the birds chirp, eating the lush green grasses, and the corpses of those i've slain...