Im constantly running I realize, distracting myself from what Im afraid is a sad truth. Thats why I like film so much. A good film keeps me from thinking yet a really good film makes me think but not about whatever it is Im running from but a great film makes me think about just what Im running from but from outside the context of my own life in that of the characters. I read to escape also, I like to read but reading only works in short burst like watching a TV show then a comical comes on and my mind drifts just like reading, every few pages my thoughts drift. What am I running from? What am I distracting my self from? Just stop and think damit!, why do I feel the need to continually keep my mind occupied? I feel emptiness, loneliness. So is it a relationship I desire, another person? Ive had that and it works for awhile but then back to the bleak emptiness again so thats not it. I constantly feel like Im not doing anything, like Im wasting my life, wasting my time. Why do I feel the need to struggle to be smarter, to learn, to not be board? I heard some where thats the problem with people today their all board, weve had the universe explained to us and were board with it. So unless it beeps and flashes in a million different Technicolor shades and feel like tits, were board. (Look I know Ive made more than a few remarks that can seem sexist but I honestly believe that breasts feel wonderful too both sexes regardless of the persons orientation. We all have had mothers, most of us where breast feed its ingrain in to each of us.) With us were all just running around tiring not to be board and no matter how depraved or extreme it may seem as long as it keeps our mind off of our boredom, were fine with it and Im no different. If Im not distracted and Im not struggling in futile attempts to better my self in some way, because I dont feel like Im good enough, smart enough, successful enough what ever that is this week Im gagging success as. Thats why I love sex or even the lesser watching a skin flick (lesser as in lesser of the loves because Ive probable viewed porn more often than Ive had sex) because for a few moments Im focused and not empty. I probably should spend more time doing what I think is going to better my self rather than watching some lame art film trying to dissect what unconscious undertones the director was trying to express in his choice of lighting. Yet even when I do focus (on a positive distraction that is) its a constant battle to move forward and theres no end to it. So I give up and just slip back in to another distraction. Even writing this, I tell my self its to reflect, to have some sort of sense of accomplishment but Im afraid its just another distraction.