Yester day I started out for Mt.Kailash....
Today as I spent trudging up this icy and snow covered path my thoughts drifted to the horror of my life that is just too much, as this road is too hard to climb and my own insignificance in this world, looking back on the abyss of time the thousands of people who have walked this pass, the struggle and slipping on the ice they encountered and I am now and the many more that will after me. I began to look up to the clouds rather than the road at my feet and my thoughts shifted to my Beatrice, the way she moved, her smile, her breast like that of the billowing clouds over head. The spot where her legs end and the ripple of her buttocks begins on the back of her inner thigh, were her pale flesh meets again like the clouds folding in to each other, where I wanted to be to be, enveloped in her warmth. I heard namaste and for a moment thought god her self was speaking to me but realized it was a group of pilgrims stopped for a rest on the road side. As I looked down from the clouds I realized I was at the peak of the path not with her as I had been day dreaming. I realized I was colder than ever as my blood flow had shifted with my thoughts. I was merely a man walking this path alone staring at the sky, isolated with a hard on for the clouds. (I wonder if that sweet old lady that greeted me noticed the tent I had pitched in my pants) As a teenager I felt as if sex was a power I held, I think it was a power issue, a concurring, having women submit to my will, boosted my ego. Like one of the numerous the lame teen movies where the football team is trying to sleep with a girl for every letter of the alphabet or something, was the mentality I held. I wouldnt say I was that much of a pig but essentially I had the same attitude toward sex. I had a few girls I really fell for but it wasnt about sex, I never had a problem getting some when I wanted but after falling in love a few times I began to realize that I was womanizing and it was not only hurting others but me too. But now as Im older I feel like the pyridine has shifted. The only thing that has changed is who holds the power though. How many women is it going to take, how far I have to fall before I can realize my behavior is an attempt to exert some control over what Im allowing to control me. I see lust as a weakness that women can and do exploit. That giving in to such desire is a degradation of the hero (hero is used here as the ideal self that is with in us all not like the super power kind) with in me, now it is I that must submit to her will to fulfill my depraved desires. She is now in control and picks and chooses, where as when. When I was younger I felt as if I was in control, why the shift in my perception? I believe it has to do with age? Younger women have not had their delusions of romance and love tarnished so as such desire that above all else, which men can thus exploit and use in control. Where as with age, men begin to realize that compassion and love are indeed more important than sex and women have learned their power over men regarding their sexuality. Men only know how to use sex to find the love and compassion that they now so desire as its the only thing that has lead to the glimpse of it. I do not know why I have slipped in to using terms such as men and woman as I am not talking in generalities but of myself directly. I do realize that gender rolls and the dominate traits of the Anima & Animus very regardless of physical make up of the person. I do not know if these terms of men and women are the same assumption and experience you or most have had but only my own. I guess it is just easier to think in terms of generalities than to become clouded by the emotions of the individual experiences that have caused me to make such assumptions so please understand that even if Im speaking of the world or in terms of others I am truly only speaking of my self and my world not yours as reality is all subjective as the wonderful particle tests done at CERN and the great minds of quantum physics has proved.
I wish for simple things, I wish to sleep with out nightmares to live without tension, without suffering. I have taken this journey to eliminate what I saw as the sources of stress in my life. I have no work, no home, no wife to fight with, no children to rise, I have no stress. Yet my isolation is now my prison. It seems all great man spend their days alone yet I have no desire to be great. I as Nietzsche have built a foot bridge to others and unlike him I have no problem in submitting and crossing the bridge yet once built. I chip a way at my own structure until it collapse under both our feet causing great pain and I am tired of this repetitive action. I have failed at being an emotional structural engineer and Im left stranded on this island alone with not even Wilson to keep my company.
The minute you stop thinking theres someone out there for you, its over isnt it? If you give up on finding companion, what is there left? I look to the things that have driven me in life or at least the things Ive done. Ive spent so much time driven to get an education, so I could get a better job, so I could get more money, so I could have nicer stuff, Why? Well Im a typical guy so first thing that comes to mind is I do these thing to get laid. Even reading some obscure philosophy book just to feed my ego so I could say I know this, waiting hoping someone could come up and ask what I was reading and impress them or so I could come up with some witty conversation to impress a girl or anything, it all seems to boil down to that just to get laid. Any ambition Ive had, I reflect on it and wonder why did I ever care about this or that and it seems I did because I thought someone else did. So if I did (care about what ever it is money, cars, knowledge what ever) they/her would like me, respect me, admire me but its more than just the physical desire to get laid. Although at times I may have mistaken paradise for a pair of great knockers. I mean really why do I want to get laid so much the biological release can be taken care of with a few flicks of the wrist so why do I want more? I want companionship, friendship, love I want some one to accept me, look up to me, someone I can look up too, learn from and take care of. Yet Why? why do I need that, why do I want that and why is it that, when I do have that the love, the companionship, respect and getting laid, why Im I not satisfied. Why do I still focus on the other ambitions, like work or money or what not rather than building a better relationship. I think Im building a better relationship doing A, B and C yet I end up loosing sight of why Im doing A, B and C in the first place and just end up fucking it off. I have found in my relationships with women I need to be the bread winner the provider in the cave man cents of it. It took me a few relationships to realize that rolls play a big part. Its not just paying the bills, its being the provider in a much larger sense of the word. There are a lot of needs a relationship has, just as many if not more than each person in the relationship have, a emotional provider, a spiritual provider an educational provider on and on granted one person cant fulfill all the needs a relationship has if you could it wouldnt be a relationship itd be you sitting alone out on a pumpkin like Thoreau. However as the male I feel compelled to or as if some how its my duty to and I want to take care of someone, I want to guide and be looked to as wearing the pants in the relationship if you will. The provider, the masculine stereotypical roll of the relationship it feeds my ego, it gives me a cense of entitlement and power but it also makes me feel like I have purpose and a point to going to work each day or what ever the day to day toil of my life is at that time. Yet when I have that in a relationship, a relationship where the person has fallen in to the subservient place or the traditional feminine roll in the relationship I begin to resent my position, why do I have to work all the time, why I am I the one that has to stress over decisions because its my fault if its the wrong one and I begin to resent all the other things that placing my self in that position requires. Thus Ive found I begin to abuse the power of the position as my resentment grows so does my entitlement which begin to chip away at the relationship and piece by piece brick by brick, Id like to think unconsciously I destroy it. I have reflected on my past relationships and see I have assumed both rolls with different people even at different stages with the same person. I believe in these rolls as they are a necessity not with only romantic relationship but all interaction but dont get me wrong yes I do realize that in a perfect utopian relationship they would not be required. Yet we do not live in that reality. There is all ways a constant shift in one way or the other in the relationship even if one has shall we say assumed the position. In this world of dualitys that governs not only our physical world but this bond, these series of interaction we call a relationship. All one can hope to do is continue the struggle. Because if you simply subside the power shifts to one side too much and tips over crumbling down to obtain balance one must find a person to struggle opposite of. Its all one can hope for. Yet like the guy that has the great life, wife, job all that jazz but cheats on his wife or drinks him self out of a job or what ever. You know that guy you see and go if I had his life Id be happy, If I had his hot wife Id never stray, If I had his job Id be a model employee Then you see he had what he wanted. Why would he do that. (by the way Im that guy) not that i ve ever been married but I have destroyed relationships I thought where perfect, and lost good jobs because of intoxicated choices, even one time did them both in one night. As Im sure most people with common sense know not to drink too much and get caught in the coat room with the bosss wife. Anyway, Ive accepted Im not ready for or cant handle or cant hold onto is a better word to use, yeah I cant hold onto what I truly desire hence have given up finding it thus being lost in a void of purposes in life, a vacuum of existentialisms.
Today as I spent trudging up this icy and snow covered path my thoughts drifted to the horror of my life that is just too much, as this road is too hard to climb and my own insignificance in this world, looking back on the abyss of time the thousands of people who have walked this pass, the struggle and slipping on the ice they encountered and I am now and the many more that will after me. I began to look up to the clouds rather than the road at my feet and my thoughts shifted to my Beatrice, the way she moved, her smile, her breast like that of the billowing clouds over head. The spot where her legs end and the ripple of her buttocks begins on the back of her inner thigh, were her pale flesh meets again like the clouds folding in to each other, where I wanted to be to be, enveloped in her warmth. I heard namaste and for a moment thought god her self was speaking to me but realized it was a group of pilgrims stopped for a rest on the road side. As I looked down from the clouds I realized I was at the peak of the path not with her as I had been day dreaming. I realized I was colder than ever as my blood flow had shifted with my thoughts. I was merely a man walking this path alone staring at the sky, isolated with a hard on for the clouds. (I wonder if that sweet old lady that greeted me noticed the tent I had pitched in my pants) As a teenager I felt as if sex was a power I held, I think it was a power issue, a concurring, having women submit to my will, boosted my ego. Like one of the numerous the lame teen movies where the football team is trying to sleep with a girl for every letter of the alphabet or something, was the mentality I held. I wouldnt say I was that much of a pig but essentially I had the same attitude toward sex. I had a few girls I really fell for but it wasnt about sex, I never had a problem getting some when I wanted but after falling in love a few times I began to realize that I was womanizing and it was not only hurting others but me too. But now as Im older I feel like the pyridine has shifted. The only thing that has changed is who holds the power though. How many women is it going to take, how far I have to fall before I can realize my behavior is an attempt to exert some control over what Im allowing to control me. I see lust as a weakness that women can and do exploit. That giving in to such desire is a degradation of the hero (hero is used here as the ideal self that is with in us all not like the super power kind) with in me, now it is I that must submit to her will to fulfill my depraved desires. She is now in control and picks and chooses, where as when. When I was younger I felt as if I was in control, why the shift in my perception? I believe it has to do with age? Younger women have not had their delusions of romance and love tarnished so as such desire that above all else, which men can thus exploit and use in control. Where as with age, men begin to realize that compassion and love are indeed more important than sex and women have learned their power over men regarding their sexuality. Men only know how to use sex to find the love and compassion that they now so desire as its the only thing that has lead to the glimpse of it. I do not know why I have slipped in to using terms such as men and woman as I am not talking in generalities but of myself directly. I do realize that gender rolls and the dominate traits of the Anima & Animus very regardless of physical make up of the person. I do not know if these terms of men and women are the same assumption and experience you or most have had but only my own. I guess it is just easier to think in terms of generalities than to become clouded by the emotions of the individual experiences that have caused me to make such assumptions so please understand that even if Im speaking of the world or in terms of others I am truly only speaking of my self and my world not yours as reality is all subjective as the wonderful particle tests done at CERN and the great minds of quantum physics has proved.
I wish for simple things, I wish to sleep with out nightmares to live without tension, without suffering. I have taken this journey to eliminate what I saw as the sources of stress in my life. I have no work, no home, no wife to fight with, no children to rise, I have no stress. Yet my isolation is now my prison. It seems all great man spend their days alone yet I have no desire to be great. I as Nietzsche have built a foot bridge to others and unlike him I have no problem in submitting and crossing the bridge yet once built. I chip a way at my own structure until it collapse under both our feet causing great pain and I am tired of this repetitive action. I have failed at being an emotional structural engineer and Im left stranded on this island alone with not even Wilson to keep my company.
The minute you stop thinking theres someone out there for you, its over isnt it? If you give up on finding companion, what is there left? I look to the things that have driven me in life or at least the things Ive done. Ive spent so much time driven to get an education, so I could get a better job, so I could get more money, so I could have nicer stuff, Why? Well Im a typical guy so first thing that comes to mind is I do these thing to get laid. Even reading some obscure philosophy book just to feed my ego so I could say I know this, waiting hoping someone could come up and ask what I was reading and impress them or so I could come up with some witty conversation to impress a girl or anything, it all seems to boil down to that just to get laid. Any ambition Ive had, I reflect on it and wonder why did I ever care about this or that and it seems I did because I thought someone else did. So if I did (care about what ever it is money, cars, knowledge what ever) they/her would like me, respect me, admire me but its more than just the physical desire to get laid. Although at times I may have mistaken paradise for a pair of great knockers. I mean really why do I want to get laid so much the biological release can be taken care of with a few flicks of the wrist so why do I want more? I want companionship, friendship, love I want some one to accept me, look up to me, someone I can look up too, learn from and take care of. Yet Why? why do I need that, why do I want that and why is it that, when I do have that the love, the companionship, respect and getting laid, why Im I not satisfied. Why do I still focus on the other ambitions, like work or money or what not rather than building a better relationship. I think Im building a better relationship doing A, B and C yet I end up loosing sight of why Im doing A, B and C in the first place and just end up fucking it off. I have found in my relationships with women I need to be the bread winner the provider in the cave man cents of it. It took me a few relationships to realize that rolls play a big part. Its not just paying the bills, its being the provider in a much larger sense of the word. There are a lot of needs a relationship has, just as many if not more than each person in the relationship have, a emotional provider, a spiritual provider an educational provider on and on granted one person cant fulfill all the needs a relationship has if you could it wouldnt be a relationship itd be you sitting alone out on a pumpkin like Thoreau. However as the male I feel compelled to or as if some how its my duty to and I want to take care of someone, I want to guide and be looked to as wearing the pants in the relationship if you will. The provider, the masculine stereotypical roll of the relationship it feeds my ego, it gives me a cense of entitlement and power but it also makes me feel like I have purpose and a point to going to work each day or what ever the day to day toil of my life is at that time. Yet when I have that in a relationship, a relationship where the person has fallen in to the subservient place or the traditional feminine roll in the relationship I begin to resent my position, why do I have to work all the time, why I am I the one that has to stress over decisions because its my fault if its the wrong one and I begin to resent all the other things that placing my self in that position requires. Thus Ive found I begin to abuse the power of the position as my resentment grows so does my entitlement which begin to chip away at the relationship and piece by piece brick by brick, Id like to think unconsciously I destroy it. I have reflected on my past relationships and see I have assumed both rolls with different people even at different stages with the same person. I believe in these rolls as they are a necessity not with only romantic relationship but all interaction but dont get me wrong yes I do realize that in a perfect utopian relationship they would not be required. Yet we do not live in that reality. There is all ways a constant shift in one way or the other in the relationship even if one has shall we say assumed the position. In this world of dualitys that governs not only our physical world but this bond, these series of interaction we call a relationship. All one can hope to do is continue the struggle. Because if you simply subside the power shifts to one side too much and tips over crumbling down to obtain balance one must find a person to struggle opposite of. Its all one can hope for. Yet like the guy that has the great life, wife, job all that jazz but cheats on his wife or drinks him self out of a job or what ever. You know that guy you see and go if I had his life Id be happy, If I had his hot wife Id never stray, If I had his job Id be a model employee Then you see he had what he wanted. Why would he do that. (by the way Im that guy) not that i ve ever been married but I have destroyed relationships I thought where perfect, and lost good jobs because of intoxicated choices, even one time did them both in one night. As Im sure most people with common sense know not to drink too much and get caught in the coat room with the bosss wife. Anyway, Ive accepted Im not ready for or cant handle or cant hold onto is a better word to use, yeah I cant hold onto what I truly desire hence have given up finding it thus being lost in a void of purposes in life, a vacuum of existentialisms.