At work on a Monday, drinking coffee and listening to Pizzicato Five to help me be on full alert. There's nothing like java and quirky Japanese lounge pop to get you feeling pleasant and ready to tackle the day.
My mind keeps wandering to this coming weekend. Why? Well, I'll tell you... my ex-girlfriend is coming to town to stay with me for the weekend.
The whole thing is a bit of a surprise, but before I get to that I think it's appropriate to supply some backstory. We dated seriously for very close to a year about a year and a half ago. She broke up with me. She's from and in Chicago, whilst I reside in Buffalo where we met through school.
We tried the long distance thing for a little while after she left town, but as most of you can imagine, it's terribly difficult to maintain a serious relationship from different time zones.
However I was willing to fight forever to make it work, and she reached a point where she could not fight anymore. It was then I discovered that I loved her more than she loved me... but also I am the romantic one so words like forever are more significant to me.
After we broke up we didn't talk for many months, I was bitter, and she was on to the next fella. After things with that guy fell apart she reached out to me for comfort and friendship. It was then I had to make a choice. Did I want her back into my life, along with the pain of still loving her, or did I wish to be free of her?
All of the time I didn't speak to her after our breakup I constantly wondered how she was. I knew her so well, and I also know that she's the kind of person who needs to lean on someone every once in a while to make it through. Once I let her back into my life, I satisfied my curious longing to know how she was. Perhaps we could be friends and it could work. Deep down I know I hoped she would realize that she wanted to be with me again, but I would not force anything and do anything to make her uncomfortable. I'd rather be friends with her than nothing.
So in the past year I've been there through 3 failed relationships and now she's locked into a 4th one that would seem to be fine right now. After being there for her through the 3rd relationship and talking to her every other day on the phone, we ended up getting very close again... not romantically, we just resumed being best friends again. I was worried that I could be sucked into feelings I shouldn't have, and I know that I walk that line quite dangerously sometimes.
But something happened. With this latest relationship and her work hours 5pm-1am in direct conflict with mine (9am-5pm), we haven't been talking that much the last 3 months. It's turned into a 2 or 3 times a month kind of thing, and I must confess I don't mind this one bit.
I care about this person incredibly, but I do not really care to hear about the boyfriends anymore. I don't care about THEM. With this new speaking setup, we never have time to talk about her fellas, because we are so busy catching up on many other things.
I admit I was getting more and more comfortable fading away from her to the point that we'd talk once a month or something and catch up, and I'd know that she was alright and I could make her laugh and vice versa, and we could talk about how we should talk more but won't. There would be no pain, and I would still be in my former girlfriend/best friend's life. I even cancelled a scheduled appearance in Chicago before New Years because of this. She was eager to have me meet the new guy and to do all this stuff with them, and I don't want to be a third wheel who's also a slightly jealous 3rd wheel on top of it. For me some distance is necessary to be in her life as it is now.
So then she calls me and tells me that the Super Bowl wouldn't be the same without me (we've spent the last 3 together). So she's coming to town to see me and the big game. How does her boyfriend feel about this? I don't know. I'm sure in her mind she sees this as nothing more than visiting a good friend, and I know I am overanalyzing something insignificant like I usually do, but this is a little bit weird.
I think of what she said the morning we broke up. It's always been in the back of my mind. She said "I want to be with you three years from now, but I don't want to be with you now." What does that mean? All I know is that it stung like hell even though I didn't understand. I remember wishing she'd grow up. Does she realize that we are fading apart from each other and she wants to stop it? Does this visit mean anything? I still have until Saturday to overthink it. Who needs a drink?
Seriously though, mind chatter notwithstanding when she comes into town I'm gonna be respectful and thrilled to see her because we would really be at the very least best friends if we live in the same place. We have tons in common and know each other so well. I'm gonna be a great host and aim to do nothing other than to enjoy her company. When I lay my eyes upon her Saturday, a calmness will come over me, like it always does and I'll just be.
Until then I'll just be buggin!
My mind keeps wandering to this coming weekend. Why? Well, I'll tell you... my ex-girlfriend is coming to town to stay with me for the weekend.
The whole thing is a bit of a surprise, but before I get to that I think it's appropriate to supply some backstory. We dated seriously for very close to a year about a year and a half ago. She broke up with me. She's from and in Chicago, whilst I reside in Buffalo where we met through school.
We tried the long distance thing for a little while after she left town, but as most of you can imagine, it's terribly difficult to maintain a serious relationship from different time zones.
However I was willing to fight forever to make it work, and she reached a point where she could not fight anymore. It was then I discovered that I loved her more than she loved me... but also I am the romantic one so words like forever are more significant to me.
After we broke up we didn't talk for many months, I was bitter, and she was on to the next fella. After things with that guy fell apart she reached out to me for comfort and friendship. It was then I had to make a choice. Did I want her back into my life, along with the pain of still loving her, or did I wish to be free of her?
All of the time I didn't speak to her after our breakup I constantly wondered how she was. I knew her so well, and I also know that she's the kind of person who needs to lean on someone every once in a while to make it through. Once I let her back into my life, I satisfied my curious longing to know how she was. Perhaps we could be friends and it could work. Deep down I know I hoped she would realize that she wanted to be with me again, but I would not force anything and do anything to make her uncomfortable. I'd rather be friends with her than nothing.
So in the past year I've been there through 3 failed relationships and now she's locked into a 4th one that would seem to be fine right now. After being there for her through the 3rd relationship and talking to her every other day on the phone, we ended up getting very close again... not romantically, we just resumed being best friends again. I was worried that I could be sucked into feelings I shouldn't have, and I know that I walk that line quite dangerously sometimes.
But something happened. With this latest relationship and her work hours 5pm-1am in direct conflict with mine (9am-5pm), we haven't been talking that much the last 3 months. It's turned into a 2 or 3 times a month kind of thing, and I must confess I don't mind this one bit.
I care about this person incredibly, but I do not really care to hear about the boyfriends anymore. I don't care about THEM. With this new speaking setup, we never have time to talk about her fellas, because we are so busy catching up on many other things.
I admit I was getting more and more comfortable fading away from her to the point that we'd talk once a month or something and catch up, and I'd know that she was alright and I could make her laugh and vice versa, and we could talk about how we should talk more but won't. There would be no pain, and I would still be in my former girlfriend/best friend's life. I even cancelled a scheduled appearance in Chicago before New Years because of this. She was eager to have me meet the new guy and to do all this stuff with them, and I don't want to be a third wheel who's also a slightly jealous 3rd wheel on top of it. For me some distance is necessary to be in her life as it is now.
So then she calls me and tells me that the Super Bowl wouldn't be the same without me (we've spent the last 3 together). So she's coming to town to see me and the big game. How does her boyfriend feel about this? I don't know. I'm sure in her mind she sees this as nothing more than visiting a good friend, and I know I am overanalyzing something insignificant like I usually do, but this is a little bit weird.
I think of what she said the morning we broke up. It's always been in the back of my mind. She said "I want to be with you three years from now, but I don't want to be with you now." What does that mean? All I know is that it stung like hell even though I didn't understand. I remember wishing she'd grow up. Does she realize that we are fading apart from each other and she wants to stop it? Does this visit mean anything? I still have until Saturday to overthink it. Who needs a drink?
Seriously though, mind chatter notwithstanding when she comes into town I'm gonna be respectful and thrilled to see her because we would really be at the very least best friends if we live in the same place. We have tons in common and know each other so well. I'm gonna be a great host and aim to do nothing other than to enjoy her company. When I lay my eyes upon her Saturday, a calmness will come over me, like it always does and I'll just be.
Until then I'll just be buggin!
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
Wow. Insanely complex situation you have there...emotionally complex, that is. Good luck, I guess.
Oh, and, no, the pic doesn't mean anything. A friend (EvanX) took it when we were at a club this past weekend, and it came out extraordinarily well. So it's officially my new profile pic.