anniversary (12-8-08)
This was actually written yesterday on 12/7, but due to home computer issues this didn't go up until just now:
Today is a weird and special and thought provoking day for me. One year ago today I was crossing at the light on Delaware and Allen when a red Oldsmobile plowed into me while making a brisk turn and not paying attention to those crossing on red.
Ill never forget that impact. Ill never forget that feel of something so decisive. My body was thrown like a rag doll onto the edge of the hood and then when she finally realized what she did and stopped down onto the cold wet street. Ill never forget that my mind couldnt or hadnt processed what had happened. I actually tried to stand up and walk away from it but when I couldnt quite make it to my feet and the man who witnessed the accident was telling me to lie down and not to move I began to fear. I began to fear the worst. I wondered if my life would ever be the same, if I would ever recover. I lied there and wondered if my life was in danger and if the shock of what had happened blinded me from knowing.
As is turned out, things were badly bruised, things were broken, things were torn and things were scarred.
Last night I went ice skating with a friend. About a year and a half ago, I went ice skating for the first time. A different friend was teaching me and we went 3 times in about 4 weeks. I certainly felt like progress was being made and eventually I took my hands off of the boards when I went around the rink. It was a liberating and awesome feeling to get a little bit of speed going and cruise. I swear I was going 5-6 MPH. Laugh if you want to but I felt free!
Unfortunately my friend had a problem with his knee and we stopped going. Before things could get rolling again, a few months later I was hit by the car and that put an end to that. When I was diagnosed with the torn PCL by the Orthopedic doctor and seconded by my physical therapist I was advised to never try to skate again because of the torque it puts on the knee and yes I asked. I wanted to know what parts of my life Id never get back. They advised me to stay away from certain activities. They told me that physical therapy would strengthen and enable me to do some things (like run) but not others.
As it turned out, the deep widespread bruises went away after a month or so. The broken fibula healed after about 2 months. The torn PCL even somewhat surprisingly completely healed after about 6-7 months, although I was lucky the tear wasnt too great. When you dont have a major tear, there is that chance that when you take care of yourself and do the right things in rehab that the ligament can heal and it did for me and thats all good but the one thing that I thought would be the easiest part, the mental aspect, did not heal.
Occasionally you hear about people going on about how traumatic events scar them for life. Sometimes this is a sham maybe people want attention, money, sympathy or something else. Maybe they think things will never change. But one thing you cannot deny is that when people go through these traumatic events, you never know how it will affect their mental state. You never know what kinds of changes they will go through because of the event.
For me, Im scared to death of cars now. I hate crossing streets and the busier the intersection the more I dread crossing it. I guess its a natural reaction; you get hit by a car that seemingly came out of nowhere. Add in the fact that they didnt see you; you were crossing in the crosswalk on red when its supposed to be safe and you could have been killed just like that. When you think about it logically I guess its natural to be afraid of cars and crossing thereafter.
Sometimes when I am approaching a busy 4-way intersection I may do things another person wouldnt do or even think of doing. Sometimes Ill cross halfway up the block where its just 2-way traffic, that way danger can come from less directions and maybe I feel like I can see it coming better than having to watch 4 directions. Sometimes when I get to a stop sign and I see a car coming really fast, I wont trust them to stop and Ill stand there and wait for them to actually stop and depending on how aggressive they look, sometimes Ill just wave them on and wait for the coast to be completely clear. Many times drivers get upset with me because I look so indecisive on the corner.
This whole thing is most bothersome going to and from work because I often go to work in the 9am range and come home in the 5pm range. This means I catch the heaviest traffic both ways. Since I have to cross Delaware Avenue to get home or to work no matter which way I go, this means a tense few seconds where I have to wait for a light and then my head swivels about like Regan McNeil in the Exorcist as I try to keep an eye on every direction at once. I cant believe that I used to wait for the light to change, look both ways and then cross. In theory that is acceptable but you cannot know the actions of others. You cannot know when someone is on their cell phone, fiddling with the radio, in a terrible rush, a bad mood, yelling at their kids, their husband, etc. Chance favors the prepared mind so Id like to think Ill be ready if another car comes calling but of course I am a paranoid goof now. Im a goof who is grateful for all I still have and everything Ive regained.
So there I was yesterday, ice skating. More than once I reflected on the past year. I remembered walking with crutches for many weeks. I remembered hobbling around for many weeks after that. I remembered almost 12 weeks of grueling physical therapy and rushing back so I could play football and softball in the summer despite not running at full speed. I remembered standing triumphant on the field at Ralph Wilson Stadium 2 weeks ago as my football team won the league championship. I may have been going pretty slowly around that ice but I was on that ice. I was pushing off with each leg and doing something a lot of people take for granted. Since the summer when I returned to activities, I've enjoyed them so much more than I ever did. You really don't ever know when you could lose everything or something.
A year later here I am, knocked down but back on my feet, healed but still hurt and always mindful of the journey Ive taken. They told me I was lucky but I couldnt hear it. I realize that in many ways now that I was. They also told me time heals all wounds, but after 365 days of it all I realize that time does not heal all wounds some it only conceals.
This was actually written yesterday on 12/7, but due to home computer issues this didn't go up until just now:
Today is a weird and special and thought provoking day for me. One year ago today I was crossing at the light on Delaware and Allen when a red Oldsmobile plowed into me while making a brisk turn and not paying attention to those crossing on red.
Ill never forget that impact. Ill never forget that feel of something so decisive. My body was thrown like a rag doll onto the edge of the hood and then when she finally realized what she did and stopped down onto the cold wet street. Ill never forget that my mind couldnt or hadnt processed what had happened. I actually tried to stand up and walk away from it but when I couldnt quite make it to my feet and the man who witnessed the accident was telling me to lie down and not to move I began to fear. I began to fear the worst. I wondered if my life would ever be the same, if I would ever recover. I lied there and wondered if my life was in danger and if the shock of what had happened blinded me from knowing.
As is turned out, things were badly bruised, things were broken, things were torn and things were scarred.
Last night I went ice skating with a friend. About a year and a half ago, I went ice skating for the first time. A different friend was teaching me and we went 3 times in about 4 weeks. I certainly felt like progress was being made and eventually I took my hands off of the boards when I went around the rink. It was a liberating and awesome feeling to get a little bit of speed going and cruise. I swear I was going 5-6 MPH. Laugh if you want to but I felt free!
Unfortunately my friend had a problem with his knee and we stopped going. Before things could get rolling again, a few months later I was hit by the car and that put an end to that. When I was diagnosed with the torn PCL by the Orthopedic doctor and seconded by my physical therapist I was advised to never try to skate again because of the torque it puts on the knee and yes I asked. I wanted to know what parts of my life Id never get back. They advised me to stay away from certain activities. They told me that physical therapy would strengthen and enable me to do some things (like run) but not others.
As it turned out, the deep widespread bruises went away after a month or so. The broken fibula healed after about 2 months. The torn PCL even somewhat surprisingly completely healed after about 6-7 months, although I was lucky the tear wasnt too great. When you dont have a major tear, there is that chance that when you take care of yourself and do the right things in rehab that the ligament can heal and it did for me and thats all good but the one thing that I thought would be the easiest part, the mental aspect, did not heal.
Occasionally you hear about people going on about how traumatic events scar them for life. Sometimes this is a sham maybe people want attention, money, sympathy or something else. Maybe they think things will never change. But one thing you cannot deny is that when people go through these traumatic events, you never know how it will affect their mental state. You never know what kinds of changes they will go through because of the event.
For me, Im scared to death of cars now. I hate crossing streets and the busier the intersection the more I dread crossing it. I guess its a natural reaction; you get hit by a car that seemingly came out of nowhere. Add in the fact that they didnt see you; you were crossing in the crosswalk on red when its supposed to be safe and you could have been killed just like that. When you think about it logically I guess its natural to be afraid of cars and crossing thereafter.
Sometimes when I am approaching a busy 4-way intersection I may do things another person wouldnt do or even think of doing. Sometimes Ill cross halfway up the block where its just 2-way traffic, that way danger can come from less directions and maybe I feel like I can see it coming better than having to watch 4 directions. Sometimes when I get to a stop sign and I see a car coming really fast, I wont trust them to stop and Ill stand there and wait for them to actually stop and depending on how aggressive they look, sometimes Ill just wave them on and wait for the coast to be completely clear. Many times drivers get upset with me because I look so indecisive on the corner.
This whole thing is most bothersome going to and from work because I often go to work in the 9am range and come home in the 5pm range. This means I catch the heaviest traffic both ways. Since I have to cross Delaware Avenue to get home or to work no matter which way I go, this means a tense few seconds where I have to wait for a light and then my head swivels about like Regan McNeil in the Exorcist as I try to keep an eye on every direction at once. I cant believe that I used to wait for the light to change, look both ways and then cross. In theory that is acceptable but you cannot know the actions of others. You cannot know when someone is on their cell phone, fiddling with the radio, in a terrible rush, a bad mood, yelling at their kids, their husband, etc. Chance favors the prepared mind so Id like to think Ill be ready if another car comes calling but of course I am a paranoid goof now. Im a goof who is grateful for all I still have and everything Ive regained.
So there I was yesterday, ice skating. More than once I reflected on the past year. I remembered walking with crutches for many weeks. I remembered hobbling around for many weeks after that. I remembered almost 12 weeks of grueling physical therapy and rushing back so I could play football and softball in the summer despite not running at full speed. I remembered standing triumphant on the field at Ralph Wilson Stadium 2 weeks ago as my football team won the league championship. I may have been going pretty slowly around that ice but I was on that ice. I was pushing off with each leg and doing something a lot of people take for granted. Since the summer when I returned to activities, I've enjoyed them so much more than I ever did. You really don't ever know when you could lose everything or something.
A year later here I am, knocked down but back on my feet, healed but still hurt and always mindful of the journey Ive taken. They told me I was lucky but I couldnt hear it. I realize that in many ways now that I was. They also told me time heals all wounds, but after 365 days of it all I realize that time does not heal all wounds some it only conceals.
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