edwin

Where to begin? There's a lot going on, some good some bad.

First off I went to the doctor last week to find out I have bronchitis. I had been ill for 3 weeks and I started to feel a little worse. I caved and went in to a doctor. 5 days of antibiotics later, I feel better but not 100 percent. I don't feel lethargic or sickly or even weak but there's still a little phlegm in my chest. That's not unexpected though, as phlegm can stick around for many weeks after bronchitis is gone. The key is that it's moving around in there and coming out. I'm just hoping when I pack to move out this week that I can the dust at bay with masks and smarts because dust is what whoops my lungs the most.

Speaking of moving. I figured out where I am moving to. I'm moving into my Mom & sister's house for a few months. They have an extra bedroom and it won't cost me anything to live there at least not much. But money isn't the reason I'm doing it. Recently my mom was caught in a lie. She told me her lungs weren't too bad upon her last visit to a doctor, but then I had the pleasure of being at my Mom's house the same time my Grandma was there and the truth came out. My mom's lungs are bad, very bad. A lifetime of smoking has caused her lungs to be somewhat rapidly declining. Now that I know, she's not hiding all the coughing fits and difficulty anymore. I've been down this road before and so has she. My father died 11 years ago from lung cancer and a life spent smoking cigarettes. My grandfather also died from pretty much the exact same thing. If you have never seen cancer, or lung cancer in action you don't want to. First is all of the coughing. It's so bad that the person gets extremely self conscious and is afraid to go anywhere. I mean, you can't go to a movie and cough for half of it. You don't want to go to a restaurant and cough up a lung. That's the first part.

The second part is going to the doctor and getting the news that your lungs are screwed and that they can't do anything for you and you don't have a whole lot of time and the time you have things will just get worse. Now as far as I know my mom doesn't have lung cancer, but she sounds terrible. She can hardly walk a block without being dead tired and she feels pain in her lungs constantly. I'm usually not one to jump up on the soapbox and lecture anyone on how to live their lives, but this is what awaits you smokers. This is most likely what awaits you and everyone who loves you.

I hate this. I fucking hate this. I hate watching the people I love deteriorate and die. I watched my father shrivel up and fade away to the point that the last day he was alive he was in so much pain, trying to breathe, unresponsive to family, to anyone. That image is burned on my memory. As I mentioned, that was 11 years ago. Ever since he died I've been on my mother to quit smoking. I mean I wasn't asking too aggressively, but probably once or twice a week I'd mention it. I'd say things to her like "you saw what happened to dad right do you want to end up the same way?" When she'd have the occasional coughing fit I'd remind her that it's not too late to quit. Over the years, she has cut down, but probably still smokes a half pack or more a day. Back when my father was around, he'd smoke a pack a day and she'd smoke 2.

If her declining respiratory health wasn't enough, she's getting a little lost mentally too. She's convinced people are trying to steal her money and has switched bank accounts 3 times in the last 2 months. She's convinced people are after her. She's gotten really paranoid and doesn't seem like my mom. I guess it could be worse, I mean, at least she knows who I am. But the point is that I have a bad feeling about her future. I feel like she may not have much time left. Despite my displeasure with how she has carried on her life ignoring my pleas, I love her and I want to help her all that I can while she's still here.

I guess if I had a real relationship with a female, things might not turn out this way, but I've pretty much been single for a little over 4 years and nothing seems to be on the horizon, due to my notoriously picky nature and what seems to be infinite patience. If I were seriously involved with someone, I wouldn't be able to move in with my mom for a summer or a little while.

Throw in the fact that my mom cares for my learning disabled sister and they could really use me around more, helping them out. I visit once a week, usually but I'm out of the loop in terms of what is going on because of how little I'm there and my mom's penchant for either lying about or exaggerating things. As I mentioned, she led me to believe she was doing better than she is. Only my Grandma contradicting what she told me in her presence enlightened me.

There is some bright side to living with them and that is being around and having a backyard again and saving cash for some things I'd like to get (a car). There are also the annoyances that living with those 2 provide. There's the crappy neighborhood that they live in, and the old dirty house they live in that is slowly falling apart. All in all though, I feel like it's the right thing to do in the short term. What happens at the end of summer or when they drive me nuts? I guess I'll deal with that when it happens.

In the meantime, there are a lot of sports I'm playing, some relaxing bike rides as the weather gets better and better and my anxiety which unfortunately grows.

Also, despite my disappointment with how the hockey season ended for my Sabres, I'm keeping the playoff beard for now, albeit with a slight trim. Too many ladies have made positive comments about it for it to leave at this time.

Lastly, with my move happening soon, do not expect much online activity during the last few days of this month and perhaps the first few of June. I think I'm done now.