weekend jitters (4-17-07)
What a weekend. There were mic breaks, interceptions, footsteps, honey mustard chicken wings, hockey, anxiety, rain and old friends. It was by far the most stressful weekend I had in some time. In some ways I'm glad it's over, but at the same time, I hate Mondays.
The whirlwind began on Friday. I had my annual WBNY alumni weekend radio show to do. I wanted to do a million things and be super prepared and do this amazing show. Back in the day I always felt I had one of the best shows on the air at WBNY and part of that was creative talent and part my work ethic to prepare shows in advance. Like I am about most things I do now, I was always very critical of my work back then. Things had to be just right. I left work an hour early Friday so I had maximum prep time but a strange thing happened after I got home. There was an internal skirmish. Part of me wanted to make all this prerecorded stuff to add to the show, and the other part just wanted to shoot from the hip and go with the flow. It's one of the things I've learned as I've gotten older. I've learned patience and appreciation. I've learned to appreciate the spontaneous gesture as much as the planned one. Most of my life has been going according to plan and yes it still is to some extent, but I've come to appreciate the occasional moment where I say, ah screw it.
With all that said I took the time I had when I got home up until the 4 hours later where I had to leave to try to relax. You see, I'm generally a cerebral person. I spend a lot of time pondering life's details and of course no details are more significant to me than my own. I had been worrying about the radio show for weeks and it seems pretty ridiculous to those who know me and know that I've done over a thousand shows and should feel at ease with the situation.
Oh what a walking contradiction am I. When I am doing nothing and my mind is free to go anywhere it wants I am at my most happy, but when my mind is idle I think about things too much and begin to get nervous and anxious about them. So if I kept busy all the time my mind wouldn't be able to torment me with all the panic and nervousness it brings, but at the same time, if I am busy all the time my mind gets incredibly tired and frustration because I'm the type of person who needs some alone time and some downtime daily to recharge my batteries. So therein lies the conundrum. I need some idle time each day to recharge but idle time kicks my ass as I worry about things too much. A little mind control might help but as of today I lack the control.
I managed to watch a lot of television to try to distract myself from the nerves flowing through me until it was time to go. I packed my bag with headphones, a boombox, some blank tapes, my camera and of course some CDs. I walked up to the station. It was about a half hour walk. It was a chilly night but a clear night. I breathed in the night air and soaked in the night sky. I put my old walkman on and listened to the two gentlemen on the air before me as I made my way there. I took the quiet side streets and parkways so that I could breathe deeply and easily as Elmwood Avenue would lead right to the campus but on a Friday night is packed with yahoos. If I want yahoos, I'll check my email.
I arrived and got set up. For the lack of some better slang my nerves were bumping. To summarize because I have so much more weekend to get to, it was a lot of fun but the combination of new equipment and a lack of focus once the next DJ arrived with a friend caused me a few headaches in the last half hour. When you do microphone breaks and you aren't used to them anyone it's probably not a good idea to have a few people hanging out right behind you in the air studio. All in all if I had to rate my performance, I'd give myself a B or B-. Did any of you check the show out? What did you think? If anyone cares I have the show recorded so I can make CDs for anyone who wants them. Let me know one way or the other.
By the way, here are pictures of me at the station and doing the show:
http://s101.photobucket.com/albums/m60/sillyeddieg/2007%20WBNY%20alumni%20weekend/
After the show, I hopped on Le Metro and began to worry about the next thing on my to-do list; my football game the next day.
The football game wouldn't have been a huge source of worry but events occurred that made it an anxious moment for me. The league plays games out in the burbs but a friend of mine who lives a few blocks from me in the city is captaining the team and also serves as my ride to everything team related. Well, that was until he had a family emergency and had to leave town. So now I had to coordinate things with the team and find my own way out there and back. This game happening 14 hours after the radio show caused for a very nervous week for me leading up to it. I had to call people on the team up and give them the information and try to get everything ready. With our captain away and another player quitting the team, I had to hope we had enough players for the game. We needed six.
I was able to get a friend to give me a ride up there to the field. I made sure to get there early so that I would be ready for anything that came up. Slowly but surely other members of the team showed. We had 5 players by the time we needed to get to our field (there were 4 of them). We were one male short. Just as the referee was trying to get things moving one more male from our team showed. So we had the bare minimum to play. That part of the stress was alleviated. Then the game began. I played a great deal of quarterback and right away I was jittery and many of my throws were offline. As the game progressed things began to slow down and seem easier but by the time the game was over our shorthanded and inexperienced team was on the short end of a 20-something point loss. The game was very fun to play though and I did do some good things to build on for next week. I'm hoping we get to practice sometime this week to strengthen our team because I think we could be a decent team if we all get on the same page. Either way, playing is a lot of fun and probably wasn't worth feeling anxiety over but it was the 1st game.
After the game I was in a bind. Here I was stuck in a suburb about a half hour drive away from my house with no car and no ride. I thought about grabbing a cab but that would have cost a lot. Something inside me was determined to walk all the way back. I headed out from the field and walked for about half an hour to a Burger King. I got a burger and a drink and fueled up for the really tough part. I headed down Transit road until I got to Main Street. Main Street runs from downtown Buffalo out to the deep, deep burbs even deeper than I was trying to return from. I began the march down Main. I walked and walked, through a few towns/suburbs and after 3 hours of steady walking I arrived back on the fringe of the city. I was caked in sweat and I smelled like someone who had walked nearly 4 hours. There's this stubbornness inside of me. I think part of me wanted to try that walk. I think I wanted to know if I could do it, how long it would take, and how I'd feel afterwards. What can I say, I'm a weird dude.
Once I made it back into the city my body ached. My legs were weak and my back was exhausted from the walk carrying my gear from the game on my back. Once back in the city I knew where I was, how to get around and where to catch Le Metro. I hopped on a bus and hoped that very few would be on there because of how musty I smelled. Luckily there were only a few people on the whole bus so I didn't have to feel too embarrassed. I could have possibly walked the rest of the way but it would have probably been another 90 minutes to 2 hours. I may be stubborn and I may want to challenge myself but there's no need to go all the way cuckoo. I got home and labored up the stairs to the apartment. I plopped down and felt like all my stress would subside since I had finished the big events of my weekend.
Sunday it was a little rainy and chilly. My only real plan for the day was to visit my mom sister and buy them dinner. My body ached from the day before but that didn't matter to me. I began to march over to their house. They live 40 minutes away by foot and I could have taken a bus or found a quicker way to get there but I like to walk (obviously) every now and then.
When I got about half way there things started to get strange. My head began to feel woozy and lightheaded. I began to wonder if I would even make it to my mom's house. I felt dizzy and strained. It's something that I've encountered a little during the last two months. Every now and then my head feels off. I feel a haze over me. It's not painful but it's terribly unnerving. Even typing these words about it now kind of makes my head feel uncomfortable. I suspect its panic and anxiety. I think that if I feel a little tweak or a little sensation in my body I fixate on it and make it worse somehow. I guess something could be wrong with me internally that not in my head but I don't know. I was always fine until that huge anxiety attack last year. Since then things haven't been the same. Sometimes my eyelid twitches. Sometimes I get a tingle and some pressure on the left side of my head, sometimes all over my head. It scares me and I worry and worry. As I've often said many times about many other topics, the mind is a very powerful thing. I haven't had a massive attack like the one I had last year, that first one where I thought I was dying, but I do have these very tense moments and then perhaps an anxiety hangover like I had on Sunday.
I walked home 3 hours later after visiting with my family. I walked slowly and easily and I made it home fine. There was no dizziness, no lightheadedness. It just makes me wonder more. Was I fatigued from that huge walk on Saturday? Was it all in my mind? The way I contemplate things is a devil and an angel. My inability to let things go and my ability to thoroughly analyze life's minutiae are both my biggest strength and biggest weakness. It seems like it's what sustains me and what will also be my undoing. I worry about it too much.
What a weekend. There were mic breaks, interceptions, footsteps, honey mustard chicken wings, hockey, anxiety, rain and old friends. It was by far the most stressful weekend I had in some time. In some ways I'm glad it's over, but at the same time, I hate Mondays.
The whirlwind began on Friday. I had my annual WBNY alumni weekend radio show to do. I wanted to do a million things and be super prepared and do this amazing show. Back in the day I always felt I had one of the best shows on the air at WBNY and part of that was creative talent and part my work ethic to prepare shows in advance. Like I am about most things I do now, I was always very critical of my work back then. Things had to be just right. I left work an hour early Friday so I had maximum prep time but a strange thing happened after I got home. There was an internal skirmish. Part of me wanted to make all this prerecorded stuff to add to the show, and the other part just wanted to shoot from the hip and go with the flow. It's one of the things I've learned as I've gotten older. I've learned patience and appreciation. I've learned to appreciate the spontaneous gesture as much as the planned one. Most of my life has been going according to plan and yes it still is to some extent, but I've come to appreciate the occasional moment where I say, ah screw it.
With all that said I took the time I had when I got home up until the 4 hours later where I had to leave to try to relax. You see, I'm generally a cerebral person. I spend a lot of time pondering life's details and of course no details are more significant to me than my own. I had been worrying about the radio show for weeks and it seems pretty ridiculous to those who know me and know that I've done over a thousand shows and should feel at ease with the situation.
Oh what a walking contradiction am I. When I am doing nothing and my mind is free to go anywhere it wants I am at my most happy, but when my mind is idle I think about things too much and begin to get nervous and anxious about them. So if I kept busy all the time my mind wouldn't be able to torment me with all the panic and nervousness it brings, but at the same time, if I am busy all the time my mind gets incredibly tired and frustration because I'm the type of person who needs some alone time and some downtime daily to recharge my batteries. So therein lies the conundrum. I need some idle time each day to recharge but idle time kicks my ass as I worry about things too much. A little mind control might help but as of today I lack the control.
I managed to watch a lot of television to try to distract myself from the nerves flowing through me until it was time to go. I packed my bag with headphones, a boombox, some blank tapes, my camera and of course some CDs. I walked up to the station. It was about a half hour walk. It was a chilly night but a clear night. I breathed in the night air and soaked in the night sky. I put my old walkman on and listened to the two gentlemen on the air before me as I made my way there. I took the quiet side streets and parkways so that I could breathe deeply and easily as Elmwood Avenue would lead right to the campus but on a Friday night is packed with yahoos. If I want yahoos, I'll check my email.
I arrived and got set up. For the lack of some better slang my nerves were bumping. To summarize because I have so much more weekend to get to, it was a lot of fun but the combination of new equipment and a lack of focus once the next DJ arrived with a friend caused me a few headaches in the last half hour. When you do microphone breaks and you aren't used to them anyone it's probably not a good idea to have a few people hanging out right behind you in the air studio. All in all if I had to rate my performance, I'd give myself a B or B-. Did any of you check the show out? What did you think? If anyone cares I have the show recorded so I can make CDs for anyone who wants them. Let me know one way or the other.
By the way, here are pictures of me at the station and doing the show:
http://s101.photobucket.com/albums/m60/sillyeddieg/2007%20WBNY%20alumni%20weekend/
After the show, I hopped on Le Metro and began to worry about the next thing on my to-do list; my football game the next day.
The football game wouldn't have been a huge source of worry but events occurred that made it an anxious moment for me. The league plays games out in the burbs but a friend of mine who lives a few blocks from me in the city is captaining the team and also serves as my ride to everything team related. Well, that was until he had a family emergency and had to leave town. So now I had to coordinate things with the team and find my own way out there and back. This game happening 14 hours after the radio show caused for a very nervous week for me leading up to it. I had to call people on the team up and give them the information and try to get everything ready. With our captain away and another player quitting the team, I had to hope we had enough players for the game. We needed six.
I was able to get a friend to give me a ride up there to the field. I made sure to get there early so that I would be ready for anything that came up. Slowly but surely other members of the team showed. We had 5 players by the time we needed to get to our field (there were 4 of them). We were one male short. Just as the referee was trying to get things moving one more male from our team showed. So we had the bare minimum to play. That part of the stress was alleviated. Then the game began. I played a great deal of quarterback and right away I was jittery and many of my throws were offline. As the game progressed things began to slow down and seem easier but by the time the game was over our shorthanded and inexperienced team was on the short end of a 20-something point loss. The game was very fun to play though and I did do some good things to build on for next week. I'm hoping we get to practice sometime this week to strengthen our team because I think we could be a decent team if we all get on the same page. Either way, playing is a lot of fun and probably wasn't worth feeling anxiety over but it was the 1st game.
After the game I was in a bind. Here I was stuck in a suburb about a half hour drive away from my house with no car and no ride. I thought about grabbing a cab but that would have cost a lot. Something inside me was determined to walk all the way back. I headed out from the field and walked for about half an hour to a Burger King. I got a burger and a drink and fueled up for the really tough part. I headed down Transit road until I got to Main Street. Main Street runs from downtown Buffalo out to the deep, deep burbs even deeper than I was trying to return from. I began the march down Main. I walked and walked, through a few towns/suburbs and after 3 hours of steady walking I arrived back on the fringe of the city. I was caked in sweat and I smelled like someone who had walked nearly 4 hours. There's this stubbornness inside of me. I think part of me wanted to try that walk. I think I wanted to know if I could do it, how long it would take, and how I'd feel afterwards. What can I say, I'm a weird dude.
Once I made it back into the city my body ached. My legs were weak and my back was exhausted from the walk carrying my gear from the game on my back. Once back in the city I knew where I was, how to get around and where to catch Le Metro. I hopped on a bus and hoped that very few would be on there because of how musty I smelled. Luckily there were only a few people on the whole bus so I didn't have to feel too embarrassed. I could have possibly walked the rest of the way but it would have probably been another 90 minutes to 2 hours. I may be stubborn and I may want to challenge myself but there's no need to go all the way cuckoo. I got home and labored up the stairs to the apartment. I plopped down and felt like all my stress would subside since I had finished the big events of my weekend.
Sunday it was a little rainy and chilly. My only real plan for the day was to visit my mom sister and buy them dinner. My body ached from the day before but that didn't matter to me. I began to march over to their house. They live 40 minutes away by foot and I could have taken a bus or found a quicker way to get there but I like to walk (obviously) every now and then.
When I got about half way there things started to get strange. My head began to feel woozy and lightheaded. I began to wonder if I would even make it to my mom's house. I felt dizzy and strained. It's something that I've encountered a little during the last two months. Every now and then my head feels off. I feel a haze over me. It's not painful but it's terribly unnerving. Even typing these words about it now kind of makes my head feel uncomfortable. I suspect its panic and anxiety. I think that if I feel a little tweak or a little sensation in my body I fixate on it and make it worse somehow. I guess something could be wrong with me internally that not in my head but I don't know. I was always fine until that huge anxiety attack last year. Since then things haven't been the same. Sometimes my eyelid twitches. Sometimes I get a tingle and some pressure on the left side of my head, sometimes all over my head. It scares me and I worry and worry. As I've often said many times about many other topics, the mind is a very powerful thing. I haven't had a massive attack like the one I had last year, that first one where I thought I was dying, but I do have these very tense moments and then perhaps an anxiety hangover like I had on Sunday.
I walked home 3 hours later after visiting with my family. I walked slowly and easily and I made it home fine. There was no dizziness, no lightheadedness. It just makes me wonder more. Was I fatigued from that huge walk on Saturday? Was it all in my mind? The way I contemplate things is a devil and an angel. My inability to let things go and my ability to thoroughly analyze life's minutiae are both my biggest strength and biggest weakness. It seems like it's what sustains me and what will also be my undoing. I worry about it too much.
severus:
Hah, that's funny maybe we can discuss it later then.