Skepticism and Introspection (11-12)
Current mood: skeptical
I remember back in school when Math and Science teachers discussed proving things mathematically and scientifically. You have to check your work they'd tell me. You must be able to prove the answer is correct. I must admit when I heard about the idea of proving things to be true I was all ears. Most of my life had been filled with false promises and being let down. Its part of the reason I'm hermit-like, reclusive and misanthropic. It seems that 8 times out of 10 when I trust someone they burn me. It's why I don't let people in. It's why I'm very guarded. I look at the world with a measure of skepticism. I'm skeptical about life, about faith, about fate, about everything. I don't really trust anyone. I may have mentioned this before but I could count the number of people I truly trust on one hand.
Maybe it was growing up in a poor neighborhood, wishing and dreaming for things I'd never have something I still do. There was disappointment everywhere. Perhaps it was then I learned not to get my hopes up. Maybe this behavior was born in that time in my life and grew off of that. Every time I take a step forward and open myself up to someone new or trust a little, I get hurt and turtle. That is, climb back into my shell and begin the process of slowly sticking my arms, legs and head back out into the world again. My skepticism can sometimes produce somewhat unusual feelings or behavior:
-Don't get ready until it's almost time to go, and yes I'm always on time, but if you tell me 6pm and then show up at 5, I won't be ready because my target was 6 and if I need 30 minutes to get ready I won't begin to get ready until 5:20 or so. I'm almost always punctual, but don't pull a surprise on me. Of course if you were my girlfriend and you knew me, you'd just have to tell me that you wanted to leave early and ta-da, I'd be ready. I'm not difficult, just structured.
-Won't believe it until I see it. If someone I don't know tells me all about something, I may nod and agree, even ask questions. But in the end if I don't see it or feel it or know it, I won't entirely believe it's true and maintain a level of skepticism.
-I want to believe in God, in fate, in luck, and most importantly in love, but it's really hard for me. It's hard for me to have faith. It's hard for me to trust. Once upon a time I met someone who made me believe. She made me believe in love, in life. I let down my guard and bought into all the silliness that those who are happy promise to the rest of us when they say there's someone perfect out there for you. I've never believed that. Have you ever noticed that the people who generally tell you things like that already have someone? Like I said, I'm not sure I believe in fate and if I'm not sure about fate, how can I be sure someone is out there waiting for me? There are no promises in life other than death and taxes right? For a while even my skeptical mind relented and jumped on the bandwagon of happiness. Then she broke my heart. I know I feel a measure of self pity in there, but the truth is I'm back to where I started before I met her. Back to not believing back to not trusting but all the while still dreaming and wishing and hoping big. Overall my negative mind is completely balanced by my positive heart. Show me there is a reason to believe again, my mind may not believe it will happen but my heart knows it will.
Where my mind looks at reality and the consequences my heart looks at the best case scenarios and the joy of life. On my profile page I write about how I want to meet "people with young hearts who are mature enough to live an adult life, but immature enough to find the humor of it". This is what I'm talking about. I want to meet people or a person with a kind heart who digs stupid stuff that many people overlook, undervalue, or just plain take for granted. I want to whisper complimentary observations into her ear while in a crowded room. I want to bring her a flower every now and then just because. I want to surprise her with small things that only she'd appreciate. I want her to lean on me and know that I'm always there for her. I want to make her smile because I can and to see that I could have that effect on her makes me the happiest person in the world. I want to walk into a room and kiss her on the neck or cheek, and I'm not talking about a little peck because I don't kiss that way. If you've read my blogs over a period of time, you'd probably know how passionate I am. My kiss is soft yet determined. Since I only kiss those I care deeply about, my kisses pack intensity. I don't waste kisses much like I hate to waste words.
Speaking of wasting, I want to tell you all about one of my largest dreams for the last 10-12 years and that is I want to share my massive and always growing movie collection with her. A long time ago I used to collect videotapes. I think I had over 700 movies at one time and one of my dreams was to find someone to watch all those movies with. The truth was that I would record things or buy movies and never watch them. I would just collect them and dream big, waiting for someone to watch them with. Silly right? Years later here I am again. I have amassed almost 300 DVDs and that number is always growing. Out of all of them, I've probably only seen half of them, if that. Again I cling to that dream of finding someone to watch all those flicks I have and will eventually get. What's better than being taken away into a story that grabs you and makes you forget about life for 2 hours only to come back to someone who takes your breath away? You immerse yourself in the magic of film only to come out of it and realize that the kind of magic that only seems possible in all those wonderful movies is sitting next to you on the couch. Stevin Speilberg can't write that. George Lucas can't CGI it. Plus I always like to talk about film. I like to talk about actors, editing, soundtracks, plots, subplots, cinematography, etc. I could babble about this type of stuff for hours and then get into how much I love music and tell you about my 700+ CDs and how much I like to discuss music but I think you get the point. I have a big heart and big dreams. When I was in love that 1 time, out of a year spent together, more than half of it was apart living in 2 different cities trying to make a long distance relationship work, so the movie-sharing dream was nothing more than that. We couldn't watch my movie collection when I was in Buffalo and she was in Detroit and the 1 week a month I would visit for, I wasn't going to bring a suitcase full of movies. But I still hold out hope for the future. Take me as I am. I'm a dreamer and I will keep dreaming no matter how silly it seems. Dreaming is the only link to my childhood I have left but when it comes to reality, I remain skeptical until I can prove otherwise. mind vs heart
And now for more gibberish:
In my neverending attempt to learn more about life and about myself I read some astrology today. I never really read or listen to that stuff because, well I'm skeptical. But I did find it pretty entertaining. So here's more about me or my kind, you can decide for yourself how accurate you think it is:
"The Leo (that's me!), is a physical and enamored romantic. They are generous and enjoy extravagant living yet also enjoy simple pleasures. Lovers of beauty, Leos are captured by the eye and tamed through their hearts. Leos are bright and opinionated, intelligent conversation is a strong point here. Leos are decisive and naturally lead. Your Leo will take you on countless romantic getaways no doubt, complete with wine and roses and loving communications."
So ladies the line starts to the left, but of course I should mention that Leo's are fire signs. Of the 4 signs, there are some we are more compatible with than others. We don't go well with water signs that's for sure, they put us fiery Leos out. I don't think earth signs blend either cause we burn them up with our boisterousness. I guess I'd be a fool if I thought fire and fire went together, we'd burn each other to a prideful crisp. That leaves air. I guess air is the best fit because fire needs air to generate heat and the fires stimulate and help motivate the air signs into new ideas. There's a give and take dynamic there. I believe it's the best opportunity for balance. That's all I'm after. I never want to be in an unbalanced relationship.
In addition to Astrology, I did a little research on my personality. I took a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality test and found out some interesting information about myself. My grade was INFJ which was the smallest group of the 16 I believe you can fall into. Only 1.5% of the population are INFJs. Who are they? Here is more information on my personality type the INFJ (Introverted Intuition with Feeling):
"INFJ (The Mentor or Counselor)
These people are typically complicated by nature and their introspective nature makes them particularly adept at understanding the complexities and intricacies of others. INFJs are empathetic people who are deeply concerned about the growth and development of those around them. They're often spiritually or artistically inclined and they enjoy having time to themselves so they can reflect on and contemplate the complicated nature of things. These creative people need to have the room and flexibility to follow their inner desires and they're not happy doing jobs in a bureaucratic environment where conformity is expected. INFJs can often be found working as religious educators, writers, therapists, counselors, artists, or teachers."
This is just a sampling of what you can learn when you have a few hours to kill and an open mindgroovy huh?
In personal notes, my radio show is getting very close to being online. I'm hoping sometime this week. I did my part already, I'm just waiting for assistance from someone who can help me get it online. The waiting is the hardest part. I'd love to get started doing some writing for the 2nd show but my mind can't focus on that until the 1st is done. Yes, I can be a stubborn structured idiot sometimes but you love me anyways. Take care everyone.
Current mood: skeptical
I remember back in school when Math and Science teachers discussed proving things mathematically and scientifically. You have to check your work they'd tell me. You must be able to prove the answer is correct. I must admit when I heard about the idea of proving things to be true I was all ears. Most of my life had been filled with false promises and being let down. Its part of the reason I'm hermit-like, reclusive and misanthropic. It seems that 8 times out of 10 when I trust someone they burn me. It's why I don't let people in. It's why I'm very guarded. I look at the world with a measure of skepticism. I'm skeptical about life, about faith, about fate, about everything. I don't really trust anyone. I may have mentioned this before but I could count the number of people I truly trust on one hand.
Maybe it was growing up in a poor neighborhood, wishing and dreaming for things I'd never have something I still do. There was disappointment everywhere. Perhaps it was then I learned not to get my hopes up. Maybe this behavior was born in that time in my life and grew off of that. Every time I take a step forward and open myself up to someone new or trust a little, I get hurt and turtle. That is, climb back into my shell and begin the process of slowly sticking my arms, legs and head back out into the world again. My skepticism can sometimes produce somewhat unusual feelings or behavior:
-Don't get ready until it's almost time to go, and yes I'm always on time, but if you tell me 6pm and then show up at 5, I won't be ready because my target was 6 and if I need 30 minutes to get ready I won't begin to get ready until 5:20 or so. I'm almost always punctual, but don't pull a surprise on me. Of course if you were my girlfriend and you knew me, you'd just have to tell me that you wanted to leave early and ta-da, I'd be ready. I'm not difficult, just structured.
-Won't believe it until I see it. If someone I don't know tells me all about something, I may nod and agree, even ask questions. But in the end if I don't see it or feel it or know it, I won't entirely believe it's true and maintain a level of skepticism.
-I want to believe in God, in fate, in luck, and most importantly in love, but it's really hard for me. It's hard for me to have faith. It's hard for me to trust. Once upon a time I met someone who made me believe. She made me believe in love, in life. I let down my guard and bought into all the silliness that those who are happy promise to the rest of us when they say there's someone perfect out there for you. I've never believed that. Have you ever noticed that the people who generally tell you things like that already have someone? Like I said, I'm not sure I believe in fate and if I'm not sure about fate, how can I be sure someone is out there waiting for me? There are no promises in life other than death and taxes right? For a while even my skeptical mind relented and jumped on the bandwagon of happiness. Then she broke my heart. I know I feel a measure of self pity in there, but the truth is I'm back to where I started before I met her. Back to not believing back to not trusting but all the while still dreaming and wishing and hoping big. Overall my negative mind is completely balanced by my positive heart. Show me there is a reason to believe again, my mind may not believe it will happen but my heart knows it will.
Where my mind looks at reality and the consequences my heart looks at the best case scenarios and the joy of life. On my profile page I write about how I want to meet "people with young hearts who are mature enough to live an adult life, but immature enough to find the humor of it". This is what I'm talking about. I want to meet people or a person with a kind heart who digs stupid stuff that many people overlook, undervalue, or just plain take for granted. I want to whisper complimentary observations into her ear while in a crowded room. I want to bring her a flower every now and then just because. I want to surprise her with small things that only she'd appreciate. I want her to lean on me and know that I'm always there for her. I want to make her smile because I can and to see that I could have that effect on her makes me the happiest person in the world. I want to walk into a room and kiss her on the neck or cheek, and I'm not talking about a little peck because I don't kiss that way. If you've read my blogs over a period of time, you'd probably know how passionate I am. My kiss is soft yet determined. Since I only kiss those I care deeply about, my kisses pack intensity. I don't waste kisses much like I hate to waste words.
Speaking of wasting, I want to tell you all about one of my largest dreams for the last 10-12 years and that is I want to share my massive and always growing movie collection with her. A long time ago I used to collect videotapes. I think I had over 700 movies at one time and one of my dreams was to find someone to watch all those movies with. The truth was that I would record things or buy movies and never watch them. I would just collect them and dream big, waiting for someone to watch them with. Silly right? Years later here I am again. I have amassed almost 300 DVDs and that number is always growing. Out of all of them, I've probably only seen half of them, if that. Again I cling to that dream of finding someone to watch all those flicks I have and will eventually get. What's better than being taken away into a story that grabs you and makes you forget about life for 2 hours only to come back to someone who takes your breath away? You immerse yourself in the magic of film only to come out of it and realize that the kind of magic that only seems possible in all those wonderful movies is sitting next to you on the couch. Stevin Speilberg can't write that. George Lucas can't CGI it. Plus I always like to talk about film. I like to talk about actors, editing, soundtracks, plots, subplots, cinematography, etc. I could babble about this type of stuff for hours and then get into how much I love music and tell you about my 700+ CDs and how much I like to discuss music but I think you get the point. I have a big heart and big dreams. When I was in love that 1 time, out of a year spent together, more than half of it was apart living in 2 different cities trying to make a long distance relationship work, so the movie-sharing dream was nothing more than that. We couldn't watch my movie collection when I was in Buffalo and she was in Detroit and the 1 week a month I would visit for, I wasn't going to bring a suitcase full of movies. But I still hold out hope for the future. Take me as I am. I'm a dreamer and I will keep dreaming no matter how silly it seems. Dreaming is the only link to my childhood I have left but when it comes to reality, I remain skeptical until I can prove otherwise. mind vs heart
And now for more gibberish:
In my neverending attempt to learn more about life and about myself I read some astrology today. I never really read or listen to that stuff because, well I'm skeptical. But I did find it pretty entertaining. So here's more about me or my kind, you can decide for yourself how accurate you think it is:
"The Leo (that's me!), is a physical and enamored romantic. They are generous and enjoy extravagant living yet also enjoy simple pleasures. Lovers of beauty, Leos are captured by the eye and tamed through their hearts. Leos are bright and opinionated, intelligent conversation is a strong point here. Leos are decisive and naturally lead. Your Leo will take you on countless romantic getaways no doubt, complete with wine and roses and loving communications."
So ladies the line starts to the left, but of course I should mention that Leo's are fire signs. Of the 4 signs, there are some we are more compatible with than others. We don't go well with water signs that's for sure, they put us fiery Leos out. I don't think earth signs blend either cause we burn them up with our boisterousness. I guess I'd be a fool if I thought fire and fire went together, we'd burn each other to a prideful crisp. That leaves air. I guess air is the best fit because fire needs air to generate heat and the fires stimulate and help motivate the air signs into new ideas. There's a give and take dynamic there. I believe it's the best opportunity for balance. That's all I'm after. I never want to be in an unbalanced relationship.
In addition to Astrology, I did a little research on my personality. I took a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality test and found out some interesting information about myself. My grade was INFJ which was the smallest group of the 16 I believe you can fall into. Only 1.5% of the population are INFJs. Who are they? Here is more information on my personality type the INFJ (Introverted Intuition with Feeling):
"INFJ (The Mentor or Counselor)
These people are typically complicated by nature and their introspective nature makes them particularly adept at understanding the complexities and intricacies of others. INFJs are empathetic people who are deeply concerned about the growth and development of those around them. They're often spiritually or artistically inclined and they enjoy having time to themselves so they can reflect on and contemplate the complicated nature of things. These creative people need to have the room and flexibility to follow their inner desires and they're not happy doing jobs in a bureaucratic environment where conformity is expected. INFJs can often be found working as religious educators, writers, therapists, counselors, artists, or teachers."
This is just a sampling of what you can learn when you have a few hours to kill and an open mindgroovy huh?
In personal notes, my radio show is getting very close to being online. I'm hoping sometime this week. I did my part already, I'm just waiting for assistance from someone who can help me get it online. The waiting is the hardest part. I'd love to get started doing some writing for the 2nd show but my mind can't focus on that until the 1st is done. Yes, I can be a stubborn structured idiot sometimes but you love me anyways. Take care everyone.