pep (9-14)
Who else needs discipline in your life? Every now and then I take a step back and look at the bigger picture of me. Most times when I do this I do not like what I see. I see a lack of control. I see someone who makes excuses and rationalizes things away. I see content when I should see hunger. I see fear where courage should be present. I see a disconnected soul who lives on an island inside the city. Every once in a while I get really bummed out for a few days, maybe even depressed. Me being the overanalyzer I begin to wonder why I feel this way once it occurs to me that I do feel depressed. I break things down, I look at recent changes, recent events. I think about what important things I've said, if any and what important things were said to me. Then I look at my flaws. Has there been any progress? Am I moving in the right direction? Often times the answer is no. Mostly I do enough to stay afloat... the bare minimum. Life shouldn't be the bare minimum. Now I'm not here to lecture anyone except myself and I'm not foolish enough to presume that striving for the maximum is best for everyone or even me, but sometimes I just get too comfortable and need to shake things up. I need to stop just getting by or settling for "enough" in every facet of my life. Yes I can be a minimalist in a few areas and yes, we don't need to have everything all the time. In some aspects all we actually need is fine. In other levels we can strive for more, sometimes it's good for you. You have to know when to pick your fights.
The next 6-7 months will be important for me. Big changes are going to be forced on me whether I like it or not. I suppose I have 2 things I can do. I could make smaller changes to make those upcoming larger changes go smoother, or I can fight change as I often do and when I have no choice just go along with all of it and have a crappy or defeatist attitude about it. In some ways this is about maturity. Am I willing to grow and evolve? Not all the time, but on a few occasions when I've had to fight for something I have. There have been times where I fought painful and lengthy fights for something worth having. I know the ability is inside of me. I know I can do so much more than I have. This is where discipline comes a-knocking. I need to let it inside, let it put its' feet up, take its' jacket and let it stay for a while rent free.
The biggest areas of need for me are my writing, my diet and my ambivalence towards myself. I need to write for more than 10 minutes at a time. I need to buckle down and flesh out my ideas and not just feel good about a great idea with no legs. I need to watch what I eat so that all my exercise and activites are not just to maintain a weight, but to lose some. I need to start to care again about some of the things I put myself through. I really beat myself up sometimes and it can be done very needlessly. If I can accomplish, or maybe even begin to work on these areas and make progress I think I'd enjoy life a little more than I do already. I think it boils down to comfort and fear for me. They're both powerful things. They can consume you. They can keep you somewhere you think you want to be. I know this. Deep down I know the truth. So does Yoda.
Do or do not... there is no try
I bet if I was 900 something years old I'd be pretty wise too...and maybe just as short by then, but hopefully not so green.
ok, so this is my quad-yearly pep talk. There seems to be one along with a full re-evaluation at the conlusion of every season. I went with the PDP (public display of pep) because to say the words is not always enough. Typing them out makes you think about them harder. So does reading back to yourself what you wrote.
Now based on the quality of the pep I will either get moving or get lost.
Who else needs discipline in your life? Every now and then I take a step back and look at the bigger picture of me. Most times when I do this I do not like what I see. I see a lack of control. I see someone who makes excuses and rationalizes things away. I see content when I should see hunger. I see fear where courage should be present. I see a disconnected soul who lives on an island inside the city. Every once in a while I get really bummed out for a few days, maybe even depressed. Me being the overanalyzer I begin to wonder why I feel this way once it occurs to me that I do feel depressed. I break things down, I look at recent changes, recent events. I think about what important things I've said, if any and what important things were said to me. Then I look at my flaws. Has there been any progress? Am I moving in the right direction? Often times the answer is no. Mostly I do enough to stay afloat... the bare minimum. Life shouldn't be the bare minimum. Now I'm not here to lecture anyone except myself and I'm not foolish enough to presume that striving for the maximum is best for everyone or even me, but sometimes I just get too comfortable and need to shake things up. I need to stop just getting by or settling for "enough" in every facet of my life. Yes I can be a minimalist in a few areas and yes, we don't need to have everything all the time. In some aspects all we actually need is fine. In other levels we can strive for more, sometimes it's good for you. You have to know when to pick your fights.
The next 6-7 months will be important for me. Big changes are going to be forced on me whether I like it or not. I suppose I have 2 things I can do. I could make smaller changes to make those upcoming larger changes go smoother, or I can fight change as I often do and when I have no choice just go along with all of it and have a crappy or defeatist attitude about it. In some ways this is about maturity. Am I willing to grow and evolve? Not all the time, but on a few occasions when I've had to fight for something I have. There have been times where I fought painful and lengthy fights for something worth having. I know the ability is inside of me. I know I can do so much more than I have. This is where discipline comes a-knocking. I need to let it inside, let it put its' feet up, take its' jacket and let it stay for a while rent free.
The biggest areas of need for me are my writing, my diet and my ambivalence towards myself. I need to write for more than 10 minutes at a time. I need to buckle down and flesh out my ideas and not just feel good about a great idea with no legs. I need to watch what I eat so that all my exercise and activites are not just to maintain a weight, but to lose some. I need to start to care again about some of the things I put myself through. I really beat myself up sometimes and it can be done very needlessly. If I can accomplish, or maybe even begin to work on these areas and make progress I think I'd enjoy life a little more than I do already. I think it boils down to comfort and fear for me. They're both powerful things. They can consume you. They can keep you somewhere you think you want to be. I know this. Deep down I know the truth. So does Yoda.
Do or do not... there is no try
I bet if I was 900 something years old I'd be pretty wise too...and maybe just as short by then, but hopefully not so green.
ok, so this is my quad-yearly pep talk. There seems to be one along with a full re-evaluation at the conlusion of every season. I went with the PDP (public display of pep) because to say the words is not always enough. Typing them out makes you think about them harder. So does reading back to yourself what you wrote.
Now based on the quality of the pep I will either get moving or get lost.
And thank you, it's really scary... and the last weeks been upside down. It's hard when you're not sure what you want, or if you don't dare to say what you want, or you can't get what you want, or.. and.. blahhh. But, you are right about that it's better than staying in a situation that isn't really good for you and should change.
And my name... well, it's not very common even here. It used to be popular in the 1950's in Sweden. It's from Germany like most names around here it feels like, it's created from names like "Engel" like.. Angel, but it can also said being a version of INGA. And you know Inga from Sweden don't you