the good, the bad and the sleepy (9-6)
What a nutty weekend it was. I begin on Friday where I had so much optimism about the 3 days off that were coming. As I left work Friday in the early evening my focus was on softball. I had a game in a few hours and I couldn't wait for it. I had been swinging a bat or something resembling a bat all day in anticipation. I'd been tweaking my swing because in my last Tuesday league game I didn't feel like my swing was quite right. Being an overanalyzer doesn't help much either. I did a little swing research by watching film online and then applied what I learned to what I like to do and tweaked my swing a little bit. All afternoon at work when I had a free moment I was swinging a small board like a bat paying close attention to weight distribution and footwork. As you can see, my kooky ways had me a little more excited about this game than the usual game.
We get there and get the team together before game time. It seems like people are excited and ready to go. Then as we are only a few minutes away from the first pitch, people begin to banter about where they are playing in the field. Then people begin to get kind of heated about it. The majority of the heat comes from a few of the girls on the team. So at the last possible minute a few things get shaken up in the field. We go out there and take our positions. The previous 5 minutes of tension provided us with nerves and discomfort that are not usually present when we start a game. I'm sure some of the people out there feel a bit nervous, me among them. I'm always nervous when the game is about to start or when I go up to bat, etc. But this was a team nervousness that was uncomfortable.
We make it through the first inning after allowing 8 runs. The week before we gave up 9 for the whole game. As the game progresses people try a little too hard to climb out of the hole and make a mistake either at the plate or in the field. Some people were unlucky, some kind of gave up a bit. I hit a line drive towards second base that the woman caught. She quickly muttered the thing that no batter ever wants to hear; "I can't believe I caught that"... that made me feel even better about it. The game ended in a 10-5 loss. Some of us fought to try to get back in the game and some didn't. I'm going to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and simply say we lost our cool and that this was an isolated incident. If it were to happen again, with all the bitching and crying and the lack of effort in the game, I might as well stay home because that isn't any fun. I'm hoping this Friday night will be like the first one where we played pretty good as a unit and won the game.
After grabbing a post game snack with my team captain I returned home with everything that had transpired a few hours before already behind me. I took off my dirty clothes and flicked my computer on. I went over to the phone and saw that many people had called when I was out. Or as it turned out one person called a whole lot of times. It was my mom. I assumed that she probably wanted some cash again so I didn't check my messages for a few minutes and then I noticed that my grandma called too. That was unusual. Why would they both call me on the same evening and call about 4 times total? I logged on to the vonage account and checked the voicemail. I was surprised to hear my sister's voice instead of my mothers. The message was unnerving; "Edwin, mom is in the hospital, I'm going to stay over at Grandma's house tonight".
It was almost 12:30 at night when I heard that message. I couldn't call over there now, it was too late. Besides my sister's voice didn't sound too urgent. It sounded rather casual in fact. At that point the game of Eddie overanalyzing had begun. I began to worry, clam down, overthink, blow it off, freak out and then rationalize. Getting to sleep was not easy. I don't think I passed out until almost 5 in the morning. I made sure my phone was turned on and right next to my bed so there would be no way that I could miss a call if it came.
I awoke Saturday after 11. It wasn't very good sleep but I wasn't expecting it to be. No one had called. I thought, hey if this was really urgent, someone would have tried me again. I called my mom's house, no answer. I called my grandma's house, again no answer. Maybe they were at the hospital. Which hospital? I guess all I could do for now was wait for word or for someone to return to their house. Outside it was chilly and rainy. Tropical Storm Ernesto had become a gigantic rain front and was moving right over the Buffalo area. The rain had already begun by the time I had woken up. Something told me that the rain would continue for quite a while. Cold steady rain seemed like perfect weather for how I was feeling.
My friend came over for our fantasy football league draft. We hooked our computers up in the front room so we could be in the same room while it took place. I actually had 2 drafts in a row that afternoon. The suspense and humor helped to take my mind off of my mom and what was going on with her. I made a call before the drafts to see if I could find out anything, but again I could find out nothing. After both drafts concluded my friend and I kicked back and watched the Yankees game. After that ended I made another attempt to reach someone and surprisingly my Mom picked up the phone. "Oh, I'm fine" she said. Apparently she went downtown for who knows what and got dizzy and had trouble breathing so she or someone else called an ambulance for her. It turns out they found nothing wrong with her other than her lungs are not in good shape. For someone who has smoked for about 40 out of her 54 years, I guess this is not a shock. After watching my father shrivel up and die from lung cancer and my grandfather also go from a similar cigarette-lung type of thing, I don't want to go through this again with another person I love. It is inevitable. I know that day is coming and I hate it more than anything. The doctor told her to take it easy for a few days and to not exert herself so much with her lungs being as messed up as they are. The rest of Saturday was a blur as my nerves quieted and my head grew fuzzy from all the worrying and thought.
Sunday was a different story. I just took all of Sunday and used it for recreation/emotional recuperation. I simply used it to relax myself. I sat around, watching ridiculous movies on cable that I had already seen. Encore was having an 80's movie weekend and other stations were doing special things for the holiday weekend too. I became lost in moviedom. I just kept watching one after another, after another, after another. Ghostbusters came on. I love Ghostbusters, partly because it's a classic but also because it was the first movie I ever saw in a theater back in 84 I think. It also features the legendary Bill Murray, who I might add is one of my myspace friends (I sound like a 19 year old fan boy hahaha).
So there I was, parked and not looking to do much of anything. Every once in a while I'd get up to grab a drink or use the bathroom and I'd take a peek out the window to see it was still chilly and gloomy looking outside despite the rain stopping earlier that morning. It was almost like Sunday had a hangover from all the rain and cold of Saturday... maybe I did as well.
Finally after an afternoon spent with the cinema on television, I saddled up in the evening and went to my mom's house. I bought my sister and her some food and we talked and watched another ridiculous movie for a few hours until it was after 10 and I decided to wander back to my house. I walked home down Elmwood avenue for 2 blocks before I veered off to the parkway. Since it was a Sunday night with a holiday the next day, the Elmwood strip was full of yahoos in packs and packs of yahoos are always loud, obnoxious, and some of the more aggressive ones are looking for trouble. I know my limitations as a person. I realize that if a pack of alpha males said something or did something to me, I wouldn't back down. What gives them the right? It's foolish, but I understand that about myself so I veered off that street after 2 blocks to avoid the drunken masses. I arrived home sweaty and a bit tired. My mom's house is normally a 35 minute walk, but I did it in less than 30. I think I walked at a quickened pace to release some of the tension that had been trapped inside of me the last 48 hours.
Monday brought a rare opportunity. I was off for the holiday, and I was getting paid for the day. So whatever I ended up doing was going to be a professional effort... at least in my mind. The activity of choice; golf. Today my friend and I were going to try something we've never done. We were going to try to play golf on all 3 Buffalo city courses. We began this quest later in the day making it more difficult. We began a little after 1 pm. I was getting paid for the day so since I was getting paid to go play golf, on that day I was a "professional golfer". I know, I know, merely a technicality but the thought brought a smile to my face.
First up Delaware, the crappiest golf course you've ever seen, but closest to my house, so it's the one I've played the most. Then we hit Cazenovia, which was really beautiful and surprisingly well kept. Third we hit South Park about an hour before dark so we didn't play much there. So we did it. We played golf on all 3 Buffalo courses in the same day. It's silly little missions like that that make life so much fun sometimes. Monday night came and I was dead tired, but I couldn't get to sleep. I had to be at work early the next morning but my inner child wanted to stay up late and play I guess. I didn't get to sleep until nearly 3 am. The 3 days in a row of being able to do what I want caught up to me. Staying up late 3 nights in a row kinda messed up my sleep cycle to the tune of 4 hours of sleep before going into work Tuesday morning. If you are ever the pessimist and want to find a negative for a three day weekend, well there you go.
Tuesday was so difficult to get through. My mind would be sharp one minute, like a rock the next. My eyes fluttered like a faulty florescent light. There was a deep haze over me, especially in the morning before lunch. It was slightly worse than the usual Monday morning. If I had a great thought and wanted to store it in my mind it was as if the vast plains of thought my mind usually accomodates turned into a tiny backyard. After lunch my energy level increased, but only for a little while. By the time I arrived home I couldn't decide if I were more tired or hungry. Those are not two things you want to have to choose from. I figuratively flipped a coin and went with food. I figured that the food would be fuel and elevate my energy levels so that I would be fine for the duration of my evening, but I soon found myself sitting on my bed thinking that it would be just a little more comfortable to lay on the bed. Then I decided it would be a little more comfortable to throw my comforter over my body. Then I decided turning the tv down and resting my eyes would be a better idea... but only for a few minutes. All I need is a few minutes of rest and I'll be good.
I woke up over 5 hours later. It was ten minutes to midnight. This is why I don't take naps. Because I don't nap, I sleep. Now I had to entertain myself for a few hours before I could consider being tired enough to sleep again. By the time my eyes started to feel a little weary, it was after 4am. Here I was again. I finally passed out and overslept this morning of course. But today I feel recovered. I feel like I'm fully aware, fully awake. It's nice to be back here again. I also think there's a distinct possibility that I may get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight and then who knows, perhaps resume living close to a normal life again.
By the way, this was supposed to be a recap of my 3-day weekend, but because of yesterday's sleep issues, it took me 24 hours to write this, so you get the full dull updates on yesterday and today as well.
What a nutty weekend it was. I begin on Friday where I had so much optimism about the 3 days off that were coming. As I left work Friday in the early evening my focus was on softball. I had a game in a few hours and I couldn't wait for it. I had been swinging a bat or something resembling a bat all day in anticipation. I'd been tweaking my swing because in my last Tuesday league game I didn't feel like my swing was quite right. Being an overanalyzer doesn't help much either. I did a little swing research by watching film online and then applied what I learned to what I like to do and tweaked my swing a little bit. All afternoon at work when I had a free moment I was swinging a small board like a bat paying close attention to weight distribution and footwork. As you can see, my kooky ways had me a little more excited about this game than the usual game.
We get there and get the team together before game time. It seems like people are excited and ready to go. Then as we are only a few minutes away from the first pitch, people begin to banter about where they are playing in the field. Then people begin to get kind of heated about it. The majority of the heat comes from a few of the girls on the team. So at the last possible minute a few things get shaken up in the field. We go out there and take our positions. The previous 5 minutes of tension provided us with nerves and discomfort that are not usually present when we start a game. I'm sure some of the people out there feel a bit nervous, me among them. I'm always nervous when the game is about to start or when I go up to bat, etc. But this was a team nervousness that was uncomfortable.
We make it through the first inning after allowing 8 runs. The week before we gave up 9 for the whole game. As the game progresses people try a little too hard to climb out of the hole and make a mistake either at the plate or in the field. Some people were unlucky, some kind of gave up a bit. I hit a line drive towards second base that the woman caught. She quickly muttered the thing that no batter ever wants to hear; "I can't believe I caught that"... that made me feel even better about it. The game ended in a 10-5 loss. Some of us fought to try to get back in the game and some didn't. I'm going to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and simply say we lost our cool and that this was an isolated incident. If it were to happen again, with all the bitching and crying and the lack of effort in the game, I might as well stay home because that isn't any fun. I'm hoping this Friday night will be like the first one where we played pretty good as a unit and won the game.
After grabbing a post game snack with my team captain I returned home with everything that had transpired a few hours before already behind me. I took off my dirty clothes and flicked my computer on. I went over to the phone and saw that many people had called when I was out. Or as it turned out one person called a whole lot of times. It was my mom. I assumed that she probably wanted some cash again so I didn't check my messages for a few minutes and then I noticed that my grandma called too. That was unusual. Why would they both call me on the same evening and call about 4 times total? I logged on to the vonage account and checked the voicemail. I was surprised to hear my sister's voice instead of my mothers. The message was unnerving; "Edwin, mom is in the hospital, I'm going to stay over at Grandma's house tonight".
It was almost 12:30 at night when I heard that message. I couldn't call over there now, it was too late. Besides my sister's voice didn't sound too urgent. It sounded rather casual in fact. At that point the game of Eddie overanalyzing had begun. I began to worry, clam down, overthink, blow it off, freak out and then rationalize. Getting to sleep was not easy. I don't think I passed out until almost 5 in the morning. I made sure my phone was turned on and right next to my bed so there would be no way that I could miss a call if it came.
I awoke Saturday after 11. It wasn't very good sleep but I wasn't expecting it to be. No one had called. I thought, hey if this was really urgent, someone would have tried me again. I called my mom's house, no answer. I called my grandma's house, again no answer. Maybe they were at the hospital. Which hospital? I guess all I could do for now was wait for word or for someone to return to their house. Outside it was chilly and rainy. Tropical Storm Ernesto had become a gigantic rain front and was moving right over the Buffalo area. The rain had already begun by the time I had woken up. Something told me that the rain would continue for quite a while. Cold steady rain seemed like perfect weather for how I was feeling.
My friend came over for our fantasy football league draft. We hooked our computers up in the front room so we could be in the same room while it took place. I actually had 2 drafts in a row that afternoon. The suspense and humor helped to take my mind off of my mom and what was going on with her. I made a call before the drafts to see if I could find out anything, but again I could find out nothing. After both drafts concluded my friend and I kicked back and watched the Yankees game. After that ended I made another attempt to reach someone and surprisingly my Mom picked up the phone. "Oh, I'm fine" she said. Apparently she went downtown for who knows what and got dizzy and had trouble breathing so she or someone else called an ambulance for her. It turns out they found nothing wrong with her other than her lungs are not in good shape. For someone who has smoked for about 40 out of her 54 years, I guess this is not a shock. After watching my father shrivel up and die from lung cancer and my grandfather also go from a similar cigarette-lung type of thing, I don't want to go through this again with another person I love. It is inevitable. I know that day is coming and I hate it more than anything. The doctor told her to take it easy for a few days and to not exert herself so much with her lungs being as messed up as they are. The rest of Saturday was a blur as my nerves quieted and my head grew fuzzy from all the worrying and thought.
Sunday was a different story. I just took all of Sunday and used it for recreation/emotional recuperation. I simply used it to relax myself. I sat around, watching ridiculous movies on cable that I had already seen. Encore was having an 80's movie weekend and other stations were doing special things for the holiday weekend too. I became lost in moviedom. I just kept watching one after another, after another, after another. Ghostbusters came on. I love Ghostbusters, partly because it's a classic but also because it was the first movie I ever saw in a theater back in 84 I think. It also features the legendary Bill Murray, who I might add is one of my myspace friends (I sound like a 19 year old fan boy hahaha).
So there I was, parked and not looking to do much of anything. Every once in a while I'd get up to grab a drink or use the bathroom and I'd take a peek out the window to see it was still chilly and gloomy looking outside despite the rain stopping earlier that morning. It was almost like Sunday had a hangover from all the rain and cold of Saturday... maybe I did as well.
Finally after an afternoon spent with the cinema on television, I saddled up in the evening and went to my mom's house. I bought my sister and her some food and we talked and watched another ridiculous movie for a few hours until it was after 10 and I decided to wander back to my house. I walked home down Elmwood avenue for 2 blocks before I veered off to the parkway. Since it was a Sunday night with a holiday the next day, the Elmwood strip was full of yahoos in packs and packs of yahoos are always loud, obnoxious, and some of the more aggressive ones are looking for trouble. I know my limitations as a person. I realize that if a pack of alpha males said something or did something to me, I wouldn't back down. What gives them the right? It's foolish, but I understand that about myself so I veered off that street after 2 blocks to avoid the drunken masses. I arrived home sweaty and a bit tired. My mom's house is normally a 35 minute walk, but I did it in less than 30. I think I walked at a quickened pace to release some of the tension that had been trapped inside of me the last 48 hours.
Monday brought a rare opportunity. I was off for the holiday, and I was getting paid for the day. So whatever I ended up doing was going to be a professional effort... at least in my mind. The activity of choice; golf. Today my friend and I were going to try something we've never done. We were going to try to play golf on all 3 Buffalo city courses. We began this quest later in the day making it more difficult. We began a little after 1 pm. I was getting paid for the day so since I was getting paid to go play golf, on that day I was a "professional golfer". I know, I know, merely a technicality but the thought brought a smile to my face.
First up Delaware, the crappiest golf course you've ever seen, but closest to my house, so it's the one I've played the most. Then we hit Cazenovia, which was really beautiful and surprisingly well kept. Third we hit South Park about an hour before dark so we didn't play much there. So we did it. We played golf on all 3 Buffalo courses in the same day. It's silly little missions like that that make life so much fun sometimes. Monday night came and I was dead tired, but I couldn't get to sleep. I had to be at work early the next morning but my inner child wanted to stay up late and play I guess. I didn't get to sleep until nearly 3 am. The 3 days in a row of being able to do what I want caught up to me. Staying up late 3 nights in a row kinda messed up my sleep cycle to the tune of 4 hours of sleep before going into work Tuesday morning. If you are ever the pessimist and want to find a negative for a three day weekend, well there you go.
Tuesday was so difficult to get through. My mind would be sharp one minute, like a rock the next. My eyes fluttered like a faulty florescent light. There was a deep haze over me, especially in the morning before lunch. It was slightly worse than the usual Monday morning. If I had a great thought and wanted to store it in my mind it was as if the vast plains of thought my mind usually accomodates turned into a tiny backyard. After lunch my energy level increased, but only for a little while. By the time I arrived home I couldn't decide if I were more tired or hungry. Those are not two things you want to have to choose from. I figuratively flipped a coin and went with food. I figured that the food would be fuel and elevate my energy levels so that I would be fine for the duration of my evening, but I soon found myself sitting on my bed thinking that it would be just a little more comfortable to lay on the bed. Then I decided it would be a little more comfortable to throw my comforter over my body. Then I decided turning the tv down and resting my eyes would be a better idea... but only for a few minutes. All I need is a few minutes of rest and I'll be good.
I woke up over 5 hours later. It was ten minutes to midnight. This is why I don't take naps. Because I don't nap, I sleep. Now I had to entertain myself for a few hours before I could consider being tired enough to sleep again. By the time my eyes started to feel a little weary, it was after 4am. Here I was again. I finally passed out and overslept this morning of course. But today I feel recovered. I feel like I'm fully aware, fully awake. It's nice to be back here again. I also think there's a distinct possibility that I may get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight and then who knows, perhaps resume living close to a normal life again.
By the way, this was supposed to be a recap of my 3-day weekend, but because of yesterday's sleep issues, it took me 24 hours to write this, so you get the full dull updates on yesterday and today as well.
severus:
Hi. Woah quite a journal. I'll come back. Thank you for being supportive and yeah, phobias are bitches, I get so tired of it. Some days are ok, then something comes along and freak you out. Sigh.