Okay so I'm back. That $29 for a full year offer is hard to pass up. It's been almost 4 months since I've posted here and I suppose a few things have changed. Let me get you caught up to date so to speak with my last few blog entries from another site that shall remain nameless.
night and day
About 70 hours ago I was returning home after a fun night out. It's an occurrence that had been becoming old hat. The last few weeks, I've been going out, doing things, having fun and on many of those nights when I didn't go out, people came over to watch movies and Sabres games. It seemed my social calendar was pretty full. There were new faces, old faces, both sexes, new activities, athletic events, and many meals out. Things were fine. The loner was getting out and meeting people and becoming more engaging with strangers.
I have this saying, it goes; "I do not miss the things I've never had." It's not logical to long for things I've never had. It's why I could care less about many material things I never had growing up poor in a multi-racial family in the inner city. Somehow I get by without many of "life's luxuries". Now please don't interpret this the wrong way. If you have many toys and possessions that make you feel better about your life, more power to you. I'm glad you are happy if you are. I cannot speak intelligently about anyone's life but my own, and even that's hard sometimes, so in the midst of all this opinion please understand I am talking only about myself.
Anyway, what I'm getting at is that it's hard to quantify intangible things. I'm talking about things like emotions. What emotion is luxury? Love? Is that luxury? I was in love once, and since I had love ever so briefly, a taste if you will, I always want it again. But what about happiness? We have happiness all the time. Is happiness a luxury? Surely it is not, since we have it so often. If happiness were a luxury item, that would make many of us rich and frankly it's not supposed to work that way. The rich are supposed to be the vast minority right?
Before I get too far out into left field I should get back to my weekend. I was returning from a very fun poetry slam, where I actually got to be a judge. After the slam ended I went with a few friends to get some yummy Indian food. When I went to bed Friday night, I felt great. I had done something every night last week, and each night was fun. It's the kind of thing a person could get used to. Of course this is coming from a guy who never goes anywhere and tends to avoid social appearances, especially when a large crowd of strangers are involved.
I awoke Saturday to a day of high expectations... continued expectations. Sometimes life is simple. We look at things like children do. If things are going well, we expect them to continue that way and we feel like the carpet is pulled from underneath our feet when they do not leaving us on the floor having to get up to start all over again.
On Saturday I got up early and did absolutely nothing. I mean sure I did chores, laundry, reorganizing, things like that. It was the type of stuff that sustained me before. I didn't go anywhere, didn't do "anything" special. It was how I spent many days the last 15 years. It never bothered me before, but this Saturday it bothered the hell out of me. I was conflicted. I really wanted to be out somewhere doing something and seeing people but somehow by mid-day I couldn't do anything. I couldn't leave the house. I was stuck. It poured rain the whole day. I stared out the window at the grayness and became what I laid my eyes upon. I was grey. I felt dark, stormy and dreary.
I went to bed Saturday night with a sigh thinking, "Finally, it will be another day when I wake up". Indeed it was. On Sunday morning I awoke and the rain was gone and the sun was making a sustained appearance. Everything outside of me felt opposite of the day before but inside the frustration and grayness stayed. I had things to do that day and I did them... badly. I made mistakes. Plans were canceled on me. Things just didn't go my way that day and I was left wondering that despite the lack of precipitation that day, when it rains it pours.
Do we make our own luck? Was Sunday a byproduct of thinking that it would be like Saturday? You know, like a self fulfilling prophecy. Today wasn't much better. I was miserable all day at work. Work isn't very busy right now and because I like it best when I'm swamped, I was predestined to not enjoy the day, but hopping into the grind today with 2 days worth of baggage was not going to be good.
So where am I now? I've realized that this bad momentum needs to end and I need to get back to laughing at almost everything again. I have to get positive again. So here I am engaging in an activity I find myself in from time to time to even up the score when things get a little too lopsided. I forget the exact origin of the activity, all I know it comes from Eastern philosophy. It's called "Pages". What you do is you channel all the negativity inside you onto a page. In this case a web page. As I've taken a while to type all this out I've been trying to get all of this out of my system. The vast majority of the time it works and does the trick better than any drug or drink can. Unless of course someone hits me in the face with a flaming bag of poo as I leave the house for work tomorrow morning. That might get to me a little.
See there's that humor I was referring to. Much like the Buffalo weather, one day sunny and 80, the next rainy and 50, sometimes the shortened span of a few days emotionally can be just like night and day.
my body (5-25)
My body fascinates me. I'm always feeling things I can't explain and not feeling things I can't explain if that makes sense. The only thing more fascinating than my body is your body, but now that's only because I don't know your body and let's face it, curiousity is fun. We often want adventure over the same old same old. It's okay we're human and despite the best attempts of religion to surpress our sexual identities, we persevere and lust on.
As much as I'd like to talk about your body, I don't know much about it. It would be a short conversation. For as little as I feel I know about my own body, I know significantly less about yours. So getting back to my body, it fascinates me. Sometimes I think I feel great and with the shake of a lamb's tail, I don't. Being clumsy doesn't help much either. What that means is that my body's always a few seconds away from having a bad day. But isn't that true for everybody? The only body you have control over is your own, not only do you need to worry about what other people are doing with their bodies towards you, sometimes you feel like your body can do what it wants. So where does this leave you? Anybody?
The reason I'm thinking of all of this is because of the discomfort I've been feeling lately. It started off with a sprained ankle type thing about 4 weeks ago. Over the first 2 weeks I took it easy and it improved but has been so-so since my athletic activity has picked up. It's mostly okay, but I still feel a little pain every once in a while. But lately it's been the least of my worries.
The bigger problems du jour have been leg muscles. Last year I tore my hamstring, so since then I've been a little nervous about leg tightness or discomfort, which is exactly what's been occuring this week, but for now I'll take you back to yesterday. I arrived at the field for my soccer game about 45 minutes early. This left plenty of time to get loose. My ailments lately have been sore and tight quads and a sore groin on my right side.
When I was younger I felt a aura of invincibility. I played basketball sometimes 6 days a week for 5 or more hours a day. I had little nagging pains back then too, but they hardly slowed me down. I fought through any pain and played and played. Nothing could stop me. Now times have changed. Perhaps it's some crap about getting older and being more aware of my mortality but whatever it is, when I feel pain I worry. I think things could get worse. I wonder if I should ease up. It hasn't been that long. Where did my invincibility go?
As I warmed up yesterday my quads began to feel tight and sore. Then when I attempted to kick from any distance my legs were absolutely killing me. I stopped warming up. I began to feel very old. I started to think maybe I shouldn't play in the game. I thought maybe I had some kind of injury. Despite my mind's attempts to convince me to quit, my fighting spirit thought I might as well try to play. Maybe, just maybe it's just soreness I thought... and hoped.
Then something happened. I started the game and the pain was almost completely gone. It was replaced by desire, by heart, by something I cannot even define properly. I felt invincible again. I knew I would be fine. I played through all of the paranoia and concern. I ran freely. For a short time I was free... at least til I woke this morning. It's soreness from using muscles I haven't used much in a while. My body corrected my all-powerful and all-cuckoo mind.
As I sit here at work typing this, there is still a little pain in my legs... soreness. But I know it will be fine now. I will be fine. My body basically told me to stop worrying. It's nice to hear something positive from my body these days... it usually only complains.
distraction (5-20)
Today I want to talk about distraction. Distraction can be a very positive thing, and yes a very negative one as well. When used correctly distraction can be used to enhance your life and you get through those moments we can all do without. When used incorrectly, distraction can make your problems worse and serve as excuses as you rationalize behavior that is harmful to you somehow.
I'll give some examples as to what I'm saying. This evening, I went out with a few friends to Frank's Sunny Italy. It's a great restaurant with good to very good Italian food and you can have an appetizer, dinner and soft drink for $20. Plus the portions go in the extra large category so you are always taking something home for a snack later that night or the next day.
This evening the place was packed. I mean there were a lot of people... more than I've ever seen there. The 4 of us were put into a booth instead or a larger table which I usually get. I hate booths. I love arm room and leg room and breathing room and little booths don't provide that for me. So I began to get a little jittery and uncomfortable. There were other tables and booths all around us and they were full of people too. I felt like if I stretched my arm in any direction I could pop someone in the eye or deliver a clothesline. It was tightly packed.
Just as I began to overanalyze and "sweat" the situation I was distracted by an appetizer and a tasty chicken cacciatore with sauted onion, mushroom and ziti. Yummy, now what was I thinking about, bah this food is good. What I'm saying is distractions, when used correctly, can be good. In this case any of my concerns or silly discomfort over being too bottled in was alleviated by tasty distractions in the form of a sweet sauce soaked in vegetables and chicken or was it the other way around?
Now there is a difference. This is the section for those of you who say, "You should always attack your problems head on." Sometimes you can't do that. If you like to ride the elliptical machine at the gym for 40 minutes but get bored out of your mind, what's wrong with bringing a mixtape or your ipod to distract you from counting the seconds? You still get that great workout and your mind was free to enjoy good songs. I call that multitasking.
Sometimes life can be tough. There are always nagging little periods of time we have to get through. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about having 8 beers or smoking 2 joints to run away from your real problems. I'm not talking about beating your wife because you've had a bad day. There is a difference in there. Use your head and you'll easily be able to find it and use distractions to your advantage, but don't spend too much of your time distracting yourself thinking about it.
night and day
About 70 hours ago I was returning home after a fun night out. It's an occurrence that had been becoming old hat. The last few weeks, I've been going out, doing things, having fun and on many of those nights when I didn't go out, people came over to watch movies and Sabres games. It seemed my social calendar was pretty full. There were new faces, old faces, both sexes, new activities, athletic events, and many meals out. Things were fine. The loner was getting out and meeting people and becoming more engaging with strangers.
I have this saying, it goes; "I do not miss the things I've never had." It's not logical to long for things I've never had. It's why I could care less about many material things I never had growing up poor in a multi-racial family in the inner city. Somehow I get by without many of "life's luxuries". Now please don't interpret this the wrong way. If you have many toys and possessions that make you feel better about your life, more power to you. I'm glad you are happy if you are. I cannot speak intelligently about anyone's life but my own, and even that's hard sometimes, so in the midst of all this opinion please understand I am talking only about myself.
Anyway, what I'm getting at is that it's hard to quantify intangible things. I'm talking about things like emotions. What emotion is luxury? Love? Is that luxury? I was in love once, and since I had love ever so briefly, a taste if you will, I always want it again. But what about happiness? We have happiness all the time. Is happiness a luxury? Surely it is not, since we have it so often. If happiness were a luxury item, that would make many of us rich and frankly it's not supposed to work that way. The rich are supposed to be the vast minority right?
Before I get too far out into left field I should get back to my weekend. I was returning from a very fun poetry slam, where I actually got to be a judge. After the slam ended I went with a few friends to get some yummy Indian food. When I went to bed Friday night, I felt great. I had done something every night last week, and each night was fun. It's the kind of thing a person could get used to. Of course this is coming from a guy who never goes anywhere and tends to avoid social appearances, especially when a large crowd of strangers are involved.
I awoke Saturday to a day of high expectations... continued expectations. Sometimes life is simple. We look at things like children do. If things are going well, we expect them to continue that way and we feel like the carpet is pulled from underneath our feet when they do not leaving us on the floor having to get up to start all over again.
On Saturday I got up early and did absolutely nothing. I mean sure I did chores, laundry, reorganizing, things like that. It was the type of stuff that sustained me before. I didn't go anywhere, didn't do "anything" special. It was how I spent many days the last 15 years. It never bothered me before, but this Saturday it bothered the hell out of me. I was conflicted. I really wanted to be out somewhere doing something and seeing people but somehow by mid-day I couldn't do anything. I couldn't leave the house. I was stuck. It poured rain the whole day. I stared out the window at the grayness and became what I laid my eyes upon. I was grey. I felt dark, stormy and dreary.
I went to bed Saturday night with a sigh thinking, "Finally, it will be another day when I wake up". Indeed it was. On Sunday morning I awoke and the rain was gone and the sun was making a sustained appearance. Everything outside of me felt opposite of the day before but inside the frustration and grayness stayed. I had things to do that day and I did them... badly. I made mistakes. Plans were canceled on me. Things just didn't go my way that day and I was left wondering that despite the lack of precipitation that day, when it rains it pours.
Do we make our own luck? Was Sunday a byproduct of thinking that it would be like Saturday? You know, like a self fulfilling prophecy. Today wasn't much better. I was miserable all day at work. Work isn't very busy right now and because I like it best when I'm swamped, I was predestined to not enjoy the day, but hopping into the grind today with 2 days worth of baggage was not going to be good.
So where am I now? I've realized that this bad momentum needs to end and I need to get back to laughing at almost everything again. I have to get positive again. So here I am engaging in an activity I find myself in from time to time to even up the score when things get a little too lopsided. I forget the exact origin of the activity, all I know it comes from Eastern philosophy. It's called "Pages". What you do is you channel all the negativity inside you onto a page. In this case a web page. As I've taken a while to type all this out I've been trying to get all of this out of my system. The vast majority of the time it works and does the trick better than any drug or drink can. Unless of course someone hits me in the face with a flaming bag of poo as I leave the house for work tomorrow morning. That might get to me a little.
See there's that humor I was referring to. Much like the Buffalo weather, one day sunny and 80, the next rainy and 50, sometimes the shortened span of a few days emotionally can be just like night and day.
my body (5-25)
My body fascinates me. I'm always feeling things I can't explain and not feeling things I can't explain if that makes sense. The only thing more fascinating than my body is your body, but now that's only because I don't know your body and let's face it, curiousity is fun. We often want adventure over the same old same old. It's okay we're human and despite the best attempts of religion to surpress our sexual identities, we persevere and lust on.
As much as I'd like to talk about your body, I don't know much about it. It would be a short conversation. For as little as I feel I know about my own body, I know significantly less about yours. So getting back to my body, it fascinates me. Sometimes I think I feel great and with the shake of a lamb's tail, I don't. Being clumsy doesn't help much either. What that means is that my body's always a few seconds away from having a bad day. But isn't that true for everybody? The only body you have control over is your own, not only do you need to worry about what other people are doing with their bodies towards you, sometimes you feel like your body can do what it wants. So where does this leave you? Anybody?
The reason I'm thinking of all of this is because of the discomfort I've been feeling lately. It started off with a sprained ankle type thing about 4 weeks ago. Over the first 2 weeks I took it easy and it improved but has been so-so since my athletic activity has picked up. It's mostly okay, but I still feel a little pain every once in a while. But lately it's been the least of my worries.
The bigger problems du jour have been leg muscles. Last year I tore my hamstring, so since then I've been a little nervous about leg tightness or discomfort, which is exactly what's been occuring this week, but for now I'll take you back to yesterday. I arrived at the field for my soccer game about 45 minutes early. This left plenty of time to get loose. My ailments lately have been sore and tight quads and a sore groin on my right side.
When I was younger I felt a aura of invincibility. I played basketball sometimes 6 days a week for 5 or more hours a day. I had little nagging pains back then too, but they hardly slowed me down. I fought through any pain and played and played. Nothing could stop me. Now times have changed. Perhaps it's some crap about getting older and being more aware of my mortality but whatever it is, when I feel pain I worry. I think things could get worse. I wonder if I should ease up. It hasn't been that long. Where did my invincibility go?
As I warmed up yesterday my quads began to feel tight and sore. Then when I attempted to kick from any distance my legs were absolutely killing me. I stopped warming up. I began to feel very old. I started to think maybe I shouldn't play in the game. I thought maybe I had some kind of injury. Despite my mind's attempts to convince me to quit, my fighting spirit thought I might as well try to play. Maybe, just maybe it's just soreness I thought... and hoped.
Then something happened. I started the game and the pain was almost completely gone. It was replaced by desire, by heart, by something I cannot even define properly. I felt invincible again. I knew I would be fine. I played through all of the paranoia and concern. I ran freely. For a short time I was free... at least til I woke this morning. It's soreness from using muscles I haven't used much in a while. My body corrected my all-powerful and all-cuckoo mind.
As I sit here at work typing this, there is still a little pain in my legs... soreness. But I know it will be fine now. I will be fine. My body basically told me to stop worrying. It's nice to hear something positive from my body these days... it usually only complains.
distraction (5-20)
Today I want to talk about distraction. Distraction can be a very positive thing, and yes a very negative one as well. When used correctly distraction can be used to enhance your life and you get through those moments we can all do without. When used incorrectly, distraction can make your problems worse and serve as excuses as you rationalize behavior that is harmful to you somehow.
I'll give some examples as to what I'm saying. This evening, I went out with a few friends to Frank's Sunny Italy. It's a great restaurant with good to very good Italian food and you can have an appetizer, dinner and soft drink for $20. Plus the portions go in the extra large category so you are always taking something home for a snack later that night or the next day.
This evening the place was packed. I mean there were a lot of people... more than I've ever seen there. The 4 of us were put into a booth instead or a larger table which I usually get. I hate booths. I love arm room and leg room and breathing room and little booths don't provide that for me. So I began to get a little jittery and uncomfortable. There were other tables and booths all around us and they were full of people too. I felt like if I stretched my arm in any direction I could pop someone in the eye or deliver a clothesline. It was tightly packed.
Just as I began to overanalyze and "sweat" the situation I was distracted by an appetizer and a tasty chicken cacciatore with sauted onion, mushroom and ziti. Yummy, now what was I thinking about, bah this food is good. What I'm saying is distractions, when used correctly, can be good. In this case any of my concerns or silly discomfort over being too bottled in was alleviated by tasty distractions in the form of a sweet sauce soaked in vegetables and chicken or was it the other way around?
Now there is a difference. This is the section for those of you who say, "You should always attack your problems head on." Sometimes you can't do that. If you like to ride the elliptical machine at the gym for 40 minutes but get bored out of your mind, what's wrong with bringing a mixtape or your ipod to distract you from counting the seconds? You still get that great workout and your mind was free to enjoy good songs. I call that multitasking.
Sometimes life can be tough. There are always nagging little periods of time we have to get through. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about having 8 beers or smoking 2 joints to run away from your real problems. I'm not talking about beating your wife because you've had a bad day. There is a difference in there. Use your head and you'll easily be able to find it and use distractions to your advantage, but don't spend too much of your time distracting yourself thinking about it.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
sharona1881:
thanks! i wanted to be visual but i cant put any personal/work photos on so i needed the google help 
kristie:
Welcome home, son! 