this will, by far, be my most personal journal entry. even as im writing this, i cant help but think about my opinion of writing in online journals, and how it is so contrary to my nature. however, i need to just get some stuff out, maybe ill feel better. this isnt for anyone to read at all, its meant to be theraputic for my mind that i cannot turn off.
I have a girlfriend who i love very much. more than ive loved anyone else in my entire life. i havent, and wouldnt tell her this, due to the amount of short time we've been together, but i can wholeheartedly see myself happily spending the rest of my life with her. i would never tell her this due to the fact that weve been dating less than 5 months and i dont want to scare her, or pressure her in anyway. her hapinness is my foremost concern.
this last weekend we took a road trip to hueco tanks texas to go climb with some guys that i climb with sometimes. for some reason i got really down and insecure. this is totally out of character for me, not b/c im a over-self confidant guy, but because i ussually experience a mild, modest confidance. perhaps its was set of by the nature of the guys that were on the trip, perhaps it was what i see as my own flaws, im not really sure. this really bothered because i take pride in the fact that ive never been controlling or jealous in any of my relationships.
however, i started to let myself think about my girlfriend leaving me. this physically made me ill. i didnt feel like eating, my stomach was, and still is, in knots. and why did i start thinking this? no idea whatsoever. she has given me no reason to feel insecure or possess any of these feelings in anyway, yet i did.
luckily, last night we got to talk, and my nerves calmed, and i felt myself regaining my ussual state of mind. all day i felt totally fine and was so happy that things were ok. it totally made my day just thinking that the girl i love and myself are in this amazing relationship.
and then tonight, my overanylization started to pick apart my mental posture much like it did earlier this weekend. why? for no good reason at all. Here is what happened, talked to her, offered to make dinner, she said she was goign to stay and eat and hang out w/ her parents, since she hadnt hung out w/ them a while (which is totally fine with me, i am not mad, jealous, or bitter about it in the least bit. i think its important for her and i to be able to see friends and family as freely and as often as want, while being away from the other). to me, it sounded like she was down. i think this was one of the main things that set of the overanylization, which is so dumb, because it need not to, it could simply be that she was just tired. so what am i crying about? before i got off the phone with her, i asked her to call me later, before she goes to bed if she wants/gets the chance, and she said ok. because i havent gotten that call, i feel like such shit and i cant stop thinking about how badly it is going to be when she leaves me. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? i have no idea. there is no justification for it and i feel so stupid for feeling this way. no way in a million years would i get mad at her or even mention her not calling me. it is so stupid. even while im feeling this, i know its sooooo fuckin stuipid to feel this way. she probably jsut fell asleep, or maybe she jsut didnt get a chance to call. so what is my problem?
this is so hard for me to deal with because im not used to feeling so vulnerable over a person. i do not expect her to spend every minute with me, only hang out with me, nor call and check in every time i tell her to. that is stupid. i dont expect any of this, yet i feel like such crap b/c i didnt get a call? why, why, why am i such a lame ass?
MRW, please forgive me for even thinking this. i have no right, and no justification. i love you so much and i regard your happiness above my own. if you would be happier without me, then ill be the first to end this. id rather you be happy. however you have given me no reason to even fathom the above, so please forgive me.
damian
I have a girlfriend who i love very much. more than ive loved anyone else in my entire life. i havent, and wouldnt tell her this, due to the amount of short time we've been together, but i can wholeheartedly see myself happily spending the rest of my life with her. i would never tell her this due to the fact that weve been dating less than 5 months and i dont want to scare her, or pressure her in anyway. her hapinness is my foremost concern.
this last weekend we took a road trip to hueco tanks texas to go climb with some guys that i climb with sometimes. for some reason i got really down and insecure. this is totally out of character for me, not b/c im a over-self confidant guy, but because i ussually experience a mild, modest confidance. perhaps its was set of by the nature of the guys that were on the trip, perhaps it was what i see as my own flaws, im not really sure. this really bothered because i take pride in the fact that ive never been controlling or jealous in any of my relationships.
however, i started to let myself think about my girlfriend leaving me. this physically made me ill. i didnt feel like eating, my stomach was, and still is, in knots. and why did i start thinking this? no idea whatsoever. she has given me no reason to feel insecure or possess any of these feelings in anyway, yet i did.
luckily, last night we got to talk, and my nerves calmed, and i felt myself regaining my ussual state of mind. all day i felt totally fine and was so happy that things were ok. it totally made my day just thinking that the girl i love and myself are in this amazing relationship.
and then tonight, my overanylization started to pick apart my mental posture much like it did earlier this weekend. why? for no good reason at all. Here is what happened, talked to her, offered to make dinner, she said she was goign to stay and eat and hang out w/ her parents, since she hadnt hung out w/ them a while (which is totally fine with me, i am not mad, jealous, or bitter about it in the least bit. i think its important for her and i to be able to see friends and family as freely and as often as want, while being away from the other). to me, it sounded like she was down. i think this was one of the main things that set of the overanylization, which is so dumb, because it need not to, it could simply be that she was just tired. so what am i crying about? before i got off the phone with her, i asked her to call me later, before she goes to bed if she wants/gets the chance, and she said ok. because i havent gotten that call, i feel like such shit and i cant stop thinking about how badly it is going to be when she leaves me. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? i have no idea. there is no justification for it and i feel so stupid for feeling this way. no way in a million years would i get mad at her or even mention her not calling me. it is so stupid. even while im feeling this, i know its sooooo fuckin stuipid to feel this way. she probably jsut fell asleep, or maybe she jsut didnt get a chance to call. so what is my problem?
this is so hard for me to deal with because im not used to feeling so vulnerable over a person. i do not expect her to spend every minute with me, only hang out with me, nor call and check in every time i tell her to. that is stupid. i dont expect any of this, yet i feel like such crap b/c i didnt get a call? why, why, why am i such a lame ass?
MRW, please forgive me for even thinking this. i have no right, and no justification. i love you so much and i regard your happiness above my own. if you would be happier without me, then ill be the first to end this. id rather you be happy. however you have given me no reason to even fathom the above, so please forgive me.
damian