ecstasis

There are going to be a lot of people that read this. They're going to read this and not know what I'm talking about, but some will.

Today, tonight, lately, I've realised something very important.

Well, it's about me.

I don't get out of bed until late, these days. I mean, I love my job, I love my major, I love school, all the extra-carriculars, and the trimmings. And I've always told people I was happy. I've always told myself I'm happy.

But I'm not. I never was. I mean, I'm happy at times, and I'm sorrounded by good people, and I've been blessed a lot. I know that. I've been given oppurtunities and chances that would make life seem unfair, and it's lately I've been capitalising on them.

I've always been so sure. Like I knew where I was going, where I wanted to be, and I don't know how or why. I just did. I was born believing I could do a lot and I could do this one amazing thing better than anything...and I found it.

But it doesn't make me happy in all the ways I thought it would. I mean, I guess I'll be succesful, and I should be lamenting during a mid-life crisis and not know, but...

It seems like I could have everything I wanted as a kid. Success, money, a big house, nice things. Where I could buy anything I wanted, and be anyone I wanted. I guess, after awhile, that's all I ever wanted.

I...suffer from a lack of confidence sometimes. I'm always second guessing myself, and I never let anyone know it. You spend all your time being the person people turn to for answers, but...who am I going to turn to? Pride gets in the way, too. Even when I desperately need help I won't ask for it.

But lately, things have been different. In my pursuit of success and dreams, I've found myself left woefully alone. I don't know what happened. I changed as a person, I guess. But I am alone. I'm smart and capable of doing anything in my life except solve my own damn problems.

I guess that runs with the territory. I wish, so much, it didn't have to be that way. I'd almost give up everything for it not to be that way.

But I'm not a stupid, foolish, dilluded romantic. I'm not terribly religious, but I believe in God. And I believe He's got a plan, some twisted, but brilliant plan, that I can't fathom, just yet. People don't understand, I'm a journalist because I want to be but I also just HAVE to be, I just HAVE to, and I can't explain to you why because it's just something that IS, it was never a decision. It's as concrete as a blue sky or trees and anything in life you could ever really just look at and know.

And I've always ever said that there is no such thing as hope.

That hope was just something people did when they were too afraid to go out and sieze destiny for themselves and while I still think that sometimes... I just can't help but to hope for something.

I hope, in the midst of everything, of life, of whatever I'm going through, that I'll walk down the street. That I'll do something random.

That I'll be doing something, anything, and I'll meet someone and they'll meet me and...they'll just know. And that'll be the answer. As simple as that. As un-complex as that.

And I believe that tomorrow morning I'll wake up and like every day before it, that that day will be a little different. That I'll learn something. That I'll work towards overcoming the biggest challenge in my life, myself.

Have...you ever walked outside on a Fall day when there were no clouds and it was cool and you just paused what you were doing, looked up at the sky, and... everything would make sense for that moment? I think I feel that way right now. Except the feeling isn't fleeting, it's not going away.

I know, I understand...something new. It's like all of a sudden...I can see the bigger picture.

And I know what I really want in life... I just have to let it happen.