dysthymia83

Hi.

So things are still bad for me. I think many of you are starting to lose patience with me too, since the bulk of the advice I got on my last entry more or less boiled down to "Suck it up, faggot". I'm sorry, I can't help that all I really am inside is a terrified little boy. Someone did ask why, if I have money, am I not helping my mom and stepdad out with the mortgage. Aside from the fact that they would never accept it even if I offered it, after 2 years of saving up my money, it would be a big waste to use it to Basically just buy my mom and stepdad a couple more months, and then they'll just be right back in this same position, and I have nothing to show for it. It'd just be delaying the inevitable and blowing my nest egg at the same time. But yeah, right now it looks like they're going to try and file bankruptcy very fast in a manner that will allow them to keep the house. If that doesn't work, we might have to move, and then I have to start seriously considering getting my own place.

Anyways, if you read the last entry I already laid out all of my reasons for why I'm scared of doing this and how I'm not ready even though I'm, at least chronologically if not mentally or emotionally, a grown man, so I'm not going to reiterate that stuff here. But between the fear I have of trying to be self-reliant and the ever increasing feelings of loneliness, which are starting to become worse than ever, I find myself sinking into the lowest depression I've felt in years. Considering it was almost 3 months ago that I was the happiest I had been in years, this has certainly been one fucked up year. 2008. One for the books in my life, certainly. Who knows? By 2009 I might be living on my own in some piece of shit one bedroom apartment, barely making ends meet, and so completely and totally alone and isolated that it takes a concentrated effort not to cry. Hell, it's bad enough I've been crying myself to sleep pretty much every night. The redness under my eyes is pretty much a permanent fixture.


There. Now you all know what I look like without glasses. Last week was a little rougher than usual since my best friend was on vacation, so I was even more alone and isolated than I usually am, since I was pretty much anti-social. I could have spent break with Kerri (who herself is on vacation this week), but some of the other co-workers sit with her now, and for the same reasons I don't eat lunch across the street with them, I don't want to spend my breaks with them either. If my best friend and Kerri sitting with them becomes a regular thing, I might just skip hanging out on break with them altogether and just spend all my breaks in my cubicle, which means my only interaction with my real life friends will be when we hang out outside of work, which is pretty rare. So yeah, I am becoming more and more alone almost every day.

The only day last week I felt kind of okay, was on Friday. The entire department, except me, dressed up as Dalmatians, and for some reason the girls in the department, including CGCN, put their hair in pigtails for this. I have never seen a Dalmatian with pigtails, but whatever. Add to this that another department dressed up as nerds (a costume I wear every day of my life) and the girls all put their hair in pigtails for that. So yeah, there were an abundance of girls in pigtails that day. That pleased me. But yeah, I was the one party pooper who didn't join everyone else in dressing like a Dalmatian, instead I hung back and took some pictures for Kerri and my fav of the bosses. The pics I took for my boss were later e-mailed to everyone, so I forwarded them to my home E-mail so I could make a stalker collage of CGCN in her pigtails using MSPaint. Yeah, I'm such a fucking creepy guy. Why didn't I join the others in dressing up like a dog? Well, because for all my talk about not being with people and wanting to be normal and have fun, there is also a part of me that likes being the outsider, the unique one. "He walks amongst us, but he is not one of us". That and I hate wearing white. I have one white, long sleeve shirt, and I only wear it when none of my other work clothes are clean. I wear white shirts to bed, with things like Lisa Loeb or Kurt Cobain on them, but I prefer black or sometimes grey.

Last week I did make an effort to fake being happy. Or at least, hide how sad and miserable I am. On Friday we had some computer issues which forced me to leave my fav boss numerous Post-It notes on her desk. I usually draw a little smiley face on them for her, but this time I drew more elaborate, Halloween-themed pictures on them. She then cut the pics out of the post-its and hung them up in her cube, so that was kind of funny. Then today both my fav boss and Katie, this girl who sits in front of me (nice girl, cute, but not my type so no mini-crush like CGCN) asked me how "Saw 5" was, and my fav boss also started watching "Twin Peaks" upon my suggestion, so she was telling me what she thought of it so far, so that was the extent of my social-ness today. I didn't spend break with my best friend, but she stopped by my table at lunch to fill me in on some her vacation stuff and show me some pics from her trip.

Thursday we had a 90 minute meeting with some mid-level big wigs at my banks parent company. I don't know how much of the meeting was BS corporate propaganda so we're not all worried about being laid off after the parent company was bailed out by the UK government and 58& of it could end up being owned by that Govt, but they joked and swore light-heartedly, and assured us that they would actually ADD jobs to our departments and not cut them (lots of collections people needed in a bad economy after all). Still not quite convinced my job and the company is safe right now, but I appreciated 90 minutes off of the phones.

I dunno. I'm just really fucked up right now. I'm not logging on to Yahoo or Stickam as much lately because I just don't feel like talking to any of my internet friends. In the same way that porn just kind of depresses me now because it's a reminder of something I can't have (sex, or even physical closeness with a female) talking with internet friends (at least a few of whom are attractive girls who might actually date me if I lived anywhere near them) is another reminder of what I can't have...a girlfriend...or even friends I can hang out with more often. Then again, no one wants to hang out with someone as gloomy as me, and I feel so guilty about depressing those around me with my own shit that I often push people away, which is how I lost my old friends from high school. It's just hard because what I want is so simple and easy for everyone else, and yet for some reason is so goddamn impossible for me. HOW THE FUCK DO PEOPLE MEET PEOPLE ANYWAY?!?!


That's a quote from "Choke". I posted it before, but I made a picture out of it. Bored weekend alone, what can I say. Yeah, "Saw 5" was pretty good, gave it a B..which is the lowest I've given a film in the series so far. They're supposedly only making one more, and I think that's good because the series is running itself out. The more they keep retconning the more they are going to ruin Jigsaw. First he forces people who don't appreciate their lives to appreciate their life, then he's rehabilitating people who have done bad things in their life. First he sets up games where anyone has a reasonable chance of winning, then he sets up games heavily stacked in favor of the subject losing but then claims he wants the victims to survive and despises murderers, etc. Basically the further it goes, the more Jigsaw is turning from a hurt man who is trying to teach people lessons, to a sick fuck who wants to torture people and devises a fake philosophy so he can feel blameless, and I think that's the wrong direction. Plus part 5 cut some corners dialogue and character development-wise, and Hoffman is far less interesting than Jigsaw or Amanda. But the film was still good.

Halloween is Friday. I have no plans. My mom and stepdad invited me out to go to clubs with them, probably Club Hell and Mardi Gras, along with my stepdad's brother and his girlfriend, but I can't imagine anything more lame than going clubbing with your parents, even if Club Hell on Halloween night, a Friday, would be sweet. But I can't exactly try to pick up girls with my mom there. Not that I'd be successful if I went with Jess or someone else anyway. So yeah, if the times work out I'm just going to go see "Zack and Miri Make A Porno" an then spend the night home alone, probably crying that I can't have hot sex with a girl dressed like a Goth Kittie or something. I'm not a party person anyway, so unless I had a reasonable chance of meeting a girl there, I wouldn't want to go to a Halloween party anyway. Still, it's pretty sad that a horror freak like myself can't find anything to do when Halloween falls on a Friday. That's my main problem, though. All the things I want to do in life are things I can't really do alone, that I need a girlfriend, or at least more friends, to do: to go to a club and have fun (something tells me I'd have more courage talking to girls if I had a group of, I don't know, seven people to go with instead of by myself or just with one or two others), or travel Europe (scary and boring if you go alone), or get an apartment with a girl I'm dating so we have two incomes and are not alone in our challenges, or fuck in a graveyard (oh wait, I already did that one, lol. Now when I listen to the song "Things You See In A Graveyard" from the "Repo" soundtrack, I smile just a little). I wake up alone, I sit in a cubicle at work alone, I eat lunch alone (though this is preferable to sitting with co-workers who I am not comfortable being the "real me" around and feeling awkward and even more miserable...and it gives me a chance to read the Sookie Stackhouse books).

I love "True Blood", especially now that Lizzy Caplin, the cute girl who played Marlena in "Cloverfield", has been topless on it a lot. And Anna Paquin was topless to. The only thing hotter than sex, is VAMPIRE sex, lol. Yeah, this TV show is one of the few things bringing me pleasure lately. It seems like the DVDs I buy or the movies I go to see or the porn I watch or the books/comics I read aren't doing much for me. The usual things I could go to to make me feel a little bit better just don't work much, unless the movie is a masterpiece like a "Choke" or a "Religulous" or something. Hell, my best friend tried to cheer me up today with a tried and true method, and it didn't do much good. It's just that the things I want are things I can't buy in a store, and no one I know can give me. Yes I want love and a girlfriend. Or someone to cuddle with. Or at least a willing partner to be with on some of these cold, lonesome nights to help me fuck the pain away for at least a little while, if only a hour or two to take my mind away from this lonely, pathetic, meaningless life I lead. And next week we have to set the clocks back and it's just going to get darker and colder. Before you know it, there will be snow and the dreaded New Year's Eve and...ugh, I don't want to think about it. But when you're isolated in your bedroom alone, with no one to hold and tell you everything will be okay, all you have is time to think think think.

I've been spending a lot more time on Suicidegirls lately. It seems no one talks through Myspace anymore, I fucking hate facebook with a fiery passion, and besides Porch and Tiffany no one talks to me though Yahoo...and Fubar's just Fubar. Suicidegirls at least has members who are like me : lonely guys who don't quite fit in....the other members are either douchebag guys (just a few) or hot girls (and who doesn't like talking to them). I must admit, sad as it may be, I get a little chill when a suicidegirl talks to me. I posted a pic of my cat and I on the "Kitties" group, and an SG responded to me.

I spend most of my time, the time not gawking at naked, pale redheads who wear glasses and are loaded with freckles, that is, posting on the "Hopeless Romantics" group. I also trolled the "Virgins" group, thankful I don't need to join them...and also that there were people older than me who were still virgins, not by choice, so that made me feel a little better about myself. Granted, the girl who helped me out there was a friend and not a girl who thought I was hot and desired me, but not every guy is lucky enough to have a hot girl in Maine willing to bone them, so I count my lucky stars every day for that. But posting in a group filled with other shy, lonely, somewhat nice guys who keep getting rejected or passed over or simply can't find a girl makes me feel less alone, somehow. Sometimes you just need to know you're not the only one having these problems, when the people in your immediate vicinity certainly don't.

There was apparently some tattoo expo/rock concert in Providence over the weekend. I saw an ad for it on SG, and my mom wanted to go to it (she's really into tattoo lately but doesn't have any...go figure) but it was $30.00 a ticket so too steep for her now. If I could drive there (downtown Providence) I might have gone. Godsmack was playing and they used to be my fav band before Evans Blue and Framing Hanley, and seeing girls with tattoos and body mods all around is my idea of Heaven, but that's also something not very fun to do alone, even if I could have gotten a ride, you know?

I made that too. I use that quote a lot. I keep putting off talking about the election, but it's only a week ago, so I might as well make a perfunctory comment : I'm voting for Obama. If you vote for McCain after 8 years of Bush policies he supported 94% of the time (based on his Senate voting record) you're a fucking asshole. He sold out his old "maverick" beliefs and has moved more and more to the right to get elected. Sarah Palin is a fucking retard who looks and acts like Peggy Hill and is useless, except that her face just screams to be cummed on, lol. The debates were useless and all candidates ignored the questions and pretty much just gave the same prepared lines and points, which were often vague, and then attacked each other. I'd like to think the country isn't dumb enough to elect McCain, but after Bush let 9/11 happen on his watch while he read "My Pet Goat", or after he stole the election in 2000, or started an unnecessary war in Iraq, you idiots still voted for him in 2004, so I have no faith in this country or it's electorate, and they'll probably elect McCain because, between the two coasts, the entire middle of this country is a big, stupid, fat, dumb redneck country, addicted to Jesus and Nascar.

I'm so fucking lonely. A breaking heart in an empty bedroom is the loudest sound you'll ever hear.

I guess that's all for now. The thing that hurts the most is that I don't even have anyone to focus on as a possible girlfriend. All the girls in my life I have mini-crushes on, like CGCN, are people I have no chance with. I have no hopes or potential out there. I have nothing to latch onto as saving grace. It's just me....alone...with nothing to look forward to and no hope. That's why I haven't updated my Myspace mood from "sad" in 9 days. I'll update my mood when my mood actually changed. Until then, I won't end with my famous 7 letter sign off....but you all know how shitty I'm feeling. I'm getting better at faking it, at least, but like that Framing Hanley song goes: "You can paint the picture pretty, but it serves as no disguise". Anyone who knows me well enough can see right through my facade. But at least I'm trying, and not jumping off any bridges yet. But the only way things are going to get better is if I one day look into a girl's eyes as she laughs at one of my silly jokes, and I see a spark that tells me she actually likes me, desires me, wants me. Until then, I'll settle for someone to sleep next to, to hug, to kiss, to hold. Anything. Just to not be alone, if only for a little while. To pretend for a little while that it'll be okay.

***It's too much work to post the pics on SG when I post my entries, so pretend you saw them..or just read my blogs on Myspace, Fubar, OD, or LJ.