Hello,
So It's been a week since I posted my girlfriend application, and 10 days since I posted my last "real" blog entry. The only thing more indicative of me being in bad mood than blog entries posted really close together, are when I wait a long ass time between "real" entries, and the past, oh, week and a half or so, I've been pretty goddamned bummed out. Last week was really horrible, but this week, while I still feel really shitty, I am working on my skills at faking being okay, which are met with mixed results. I kinda/sorta faked being happy a little bit at Waterfire, but I was genuinely happy most of that night, so the stretch to fake it for about 10% of that night wasn't too bad. BTW, the picture above was from that night, I stole it from Crystal's Myspace (hopefully she doesn't mind, lol). Of course, things have actually gotten worse this week, but I'll get to that in a bit.
So what kicked off my latest bout into unfathomable sadness and nights spent under the covers crying myself to sleep listening to that awesome Framing Hanley CD? Well, it was one night when I was online and it hit me how alone I was. And what made me realize it was the fact that I, currently, have no hopes as far as girls I am interested in. Don't get me wrong, there are always girls around that I am attracted to, like CGCN or whomever. But right now there are no girls I am crushing on that I actually have even a minuscule chance with. I have no one to pursue or try to win over or hope something might happen with. I have no prospects out there right now. None. Nada. Nothing. I am so fucking alone right now. I spend all of my nights alone in my bedroom. I don't even have anyone I can call up for cuddling or sex, like some other single people I know at least have, which is less than what I want, but still a lot more than I have and would be nice. But no, I have nothing, except a computer and my increasingly futile attempts to try to make connections with other human beings using it. Even now that I have real life friends, it still doesn't fill the gaping hole left by the lack of love, or at least some approximation of physical or emotional intimacy in my life. And knowing I have no hopes or prospects right now toward correcting that status in my life, toward changing the tide and winning over a girl...it leaves me feeling hopeless, defeated, and gloomy, and I wonder what the point is of living and my entire life is going to be miserable because I'll never be truly happy unless I'm WITH someone.
It came to a head at the end of last week because on top of my personal issues with the lovesickness and all, I had an issue at work where my computer was broken Thursday and Friday, which left me having to sit at other cubicles where all the systems are lacking or screwed up and it made me more irritable and angry on top of how sad and scared I already am, and obviously that caldron of negative emotions effects your job performance. I felt bad because my best friend was going on vacation that Saturday, won't be back til Monday of next week, and I was feeling so down I didn't even hang out with her on break that Friday, and the day before I barely spoke and was just a horrible, angry, depressed bastard. Though before I left on Friday I did make sure to wish her a fun vacation, I didn't want to be an asshole and leave work without speaking to her. Since then she's texted Kerri to say hi to me, and to say that she bought me an awesome gift down there and "he better cheer up or he ain't getting it". I'm not quite sure the strategy of withholding a good thing from a depressed person to make them less depressed is prudent, lol. But she's usually quite good at cheering me a lot of time, so maybe by next week I'll feel a bit better, but I doubt it. Well I do have "Saw 5" to look forward to on Friday. At least there's always the movies.
Well aside from romantic problems, I guess I have a more immediate problem to worry about now : my house might be getting foreclosed on. I live with my mom and stepdad, and while I've been doing quite well for myself (assuming the current banking crisis doesn't effect my job..which it might since the UK government bailed out my bank's parent company and despite all the corporate propaganda memos telling us we're okay, the pathological pessimist in me thinks things will get a lot worse), they have not. So unless the steps they are taking to try and work out the issues succeed, by mid November or December I might have to move again. I fucking hate moving. I must have moved 20 times in my life, all within the same 3 towns in RI. I like this house, and I was kind of hoping the next time I had to move would be when I finally move out on my own, but I guess that's not the case. Of course, if we do end up moving it'll probably be a short notice deal, and we'd probably have to take whatever we can get, and who knows if where we move will be someplace I am comfortable driving to, or driving to and from work to. And if the place is some small little apartment or condo if there will be room for my stuff and the dog and the cat and....would you think any less of me if I admitted I was scared. Terrified. Petrified. Because I am.
Part of me thinks I should take this, I hesitate to call it an "opportunity", to see about getting a little place of my own. But that prospect scares me too. I had always hoped that when I finally moved out, it would be to get a place with a girl I was dating, that way I wouldn't be doing it alone and responsibilities would be shared. The thing I hate about the idea of striking out on my own, REALLY on my own, is that it would make me even more alone. At least now I have my mom, my stepdad, my dog, and my cat. If I move out, it's just me. I'll wake up in an empty apartment, go to work, and come home to an empty apartment. I don't know if the isolation would drive me crazy or make me more depressed, or if the stress of going from having relatively no bills to having a bunch would cause me to have a nervous breakdown. And I don't think I could do the roommate thing since I hate most other guys, thus couldn't stand to live with one, and if I had a female roommate I think it would be awkward if the girl brought home a guy and I had to hear them fucking in another room. Maybe if I just had a lesbian roommate and I could hear her fucking her girlfriend in the other room...that'd be kind of hot, and much better than a nightlight when it comes to safe things to help you fall asleep, lol.
I don't know. Right now I have a good amount of money saved up from my job and from the money I inherited after my father died. Living with my mom and stepdad has helped me save that since my only expenses are car insurance, internet, student loans (which will be completely paid off in January) and money for my groceries (my mom does the actual shopping). Oh, and gas for my car, but one of the good things about the bad economy is that it has caused oil, and thus gasoline, to become cheaper, and I can once again fill up my tank with $25.00 and that lasts me 10-14 days due to how little I drive. If I were to move out, my budget would be much more strained since I would have to pay for rent, water, heat (gas or oil), electricity, cable, internet, car insurance, groceries and other food-related expenses (BK), gas, plus any furniture or appliances I can't take with me. Depending on what any apartment or condo I move into comes with (and some of those above utilities might be included in rent) I might need to get a washer and dryer or a fridge. Seeing as how it's just me and I probably won't be entertaining company, I could probably make do without anything like a living room set. Hell, chances are the apartment I would get would be 3 rooms, a bedroom, a bathroom, and some main room/kitchen dealie. Essentially I'm just afraid that the nice little sum of $$ I've saved up, which I've been telling myself would be to help get my movie made some day even though I haven't worked on my screenplay since August, would rapidly deplete. I'd also have to cut down on the $$ I spend on Amazon or other things, like on the rare occasion I go out with friends. In the worst case scenario of the house being foreclosed on and us having to move out, I might have to just make a detailed list of expenses and figure out how I can live comfortably on my salary if I wanted to live on my own, and hope my job doesn't get cut if I did so. Also my driving phobia will limit the places I will look for an apartment to towns I am comfortable driving in : Johnston, Cranston, Smithfield, Scituate, and Warwick. Something tells me it won't be easy finding places to live right now, and if I did find a place in my price range it'd probably be some little shanty, drug den or something.
The thing is I'm not ready to move out on my own. Yeah, I know I'm 25 years old and people my age are getting married and having kids, but it's no secret that developmentally way behind my peers. I just lost my virginity a little over 2 months ago..most people lose theirs at 15 or 16. And yeah, I know it won't exactly help me with the ladies when I tell them I still live with mommy, nor can I bring a girl home for nookie on the odd chance non-existent Hell froze over and I met a girl at a club or something and she wanted to get amorous. Pretty much the only plus I can see to living on my own right now would be the freedom to walk around naked and look at porn any time I wanted. Everything else is a negative. And hell, well I live with my mom and stepdad, I at least know I can count on them to drive me to work if the roads are bad from snow, or something like that. The idea of being self-reliant scares me because I have no confidence in myself. At least if I were living with a girlfriend, like Alysa and I almost got to the point of doing, you're not alone when you tackle a problem, you're a team. Plus two paychecks are much easier on the bills than one. Hell, I know plenty of couple who have 2 paychecks and can't make ends meet, so I don't know how I'd be able to do it on my own.
So yeah, I'm fucking scared. Really really scared. And depressed because it seems like this is just one more thing that pushes me toward being more alone. Because I can just picture it now. We'll have to move out and into some small little apartment. My mom and stepdad will be super stressed because there's not enough room for all our stuff, and immediately they'll launch on me because I have so much "junk" (DVDs, books, knick-knacks, etc) and the stress they cause me combined with the asshole customers at work combined with my sadness over my inability to get a girlfriend will just drive me back into a deep dark depression. Let's reintroduce out shadows. It's bad enough I'm getting worse right now, crying myself to sleep nearly every night because I'm so sad and scared and lonely and angry at myself and at the world, but it looks like in the enxt couple of weeks things are just going to keep getting worse. And New Year's Eve, one of the 3 biggest depressing days of the year for me , is right around the corner. I got through my birthday thanks to April, and Valentine's Day is far off enough that I don't need to worry about it yet, but New Year's Evil is going to knock me for a loop, I already know that.
So yeah, I'm hoping either my mom and stepdad can refinance or the foreclosure date can be pushed back so they can file for bankruptcy or get a lawyer and a court date to keep the house or something, but I doubt it. Things are going to get worse before they get better. And I'm all alone in struggle, really. Fuck.
Alright, well you're all tired of hearing me whine about how I can't get a girl, and if I keep talking out this foreclosure/possibly moving thing I'm going to have a panic attack, so I'll put that on the back burner for now and move on.
Last weekend I went to see "W" and gave it a B-. It was odd how the film tried to be fair and even with Bush, and yeah it was the very treatment that made me hate the man more. Instead of portraying him as evil, he is merely a dumb jock who spends 40 some odd years of his life as a drunken buffoon with major daddy issues, then trades one unhealthy addiction (booze) or another (religion) and decides to get back at his dad and try to boost his own ego by becoming president, and his own selfish attempts to feel better about himself cause the country to nearly destroy itself. Bush is an asshole. Fuck him. I can't wait to vote for Obama in 2 weeks. The film was pretty good, but would have been better if it have covered a wider scope. It mainly just covers Bush's college years and early political career, and then the build up to the Iraq war. I would have preferred a 3 hour film that covered more areas (cocaine use, Air National Guard, the Florida recount, 9/11, Katrina, etc) but the film as it is makes for a decent biopic with some great performances.
My recent Amazon purchases are as follows:
-"Star Wars : The Force Unleashed" video game for my PS3. It's a fun game but very short. I'm stuck on a level where you have to use the force to crash a giant space ship. I beat the level once, but I was using a cheat code and the game won't let you save if you use cheat codes, so I have to try and beat it without the code, which I can't.
-"Right At Your Door" on DVD..haven't watched it yet, don't know if it's any good.
-"Family Guy : Volume 6" on DVD...haven't watched it yet, seen some of the eps on TV already.
-"Simpsons : Season 11" on DVD...this was the first season since season one where there were more than a few episodes I didn't like. It's still the best comedy series ever on TV, but starting with season 11 not every episode was a complete gem.
-"Dead By Dawn"...this is the 1st book in the Sookie Stackhouse series, upon which the HBO TV show "True Blood" is based. I started reading it today, after finished reading "Easy Riders, Raging Bulls" (A very good book about Hollywood in the 1970s) and so far the book is close to the TV show, but the TV show added a ton of other stuff, naturally, like season 1 of "Dexter" did with the book it was based on.
-"The Porning of America"...a book about how Porn has seeped into mainstream culture and how it is affecting society. My screenplay touches very briefly on some of these issues, as it relates to how young people (approx my age) are dealing with sex and romance and intimacy in a highly sexualized society that has also turned sex into a commodity a huge degree. I've heard good things about the book, and while I am a huge supporter of the pornographic arts, I'm interested in reading a book that is not anti-porn, but does worry about how ready and freely available access to sexually explicit material is possibly harming the emotional development of people in their teens and 20s. In some ways I think it has helped me, since I didn't see my 1st real live vagina til I was 21 or 22, and as someone who can't get sex it's helpful to have porn to satisfy urges and fantasies and whatnot...and apparently watching porn made me more than adequate at cunnlingus, lol. But at the same time has overexposure to sexually explicit material responsible for how depressed I get over my lack of experience as compared to how I perceive the experience of my peers as being, which could also bleed into my depression over being unable to find love or be in a relationship. I don't know.
-"Halloween : Nightdance"..a comic book featuring Michael Myers from the "Halloween" films.
'"Hack/Slash" volumes 1 & 4...These are comic books. They had a special graphic novel of "Hack/Slash" that tied in with the Suicidegirls, and after I bought and read that I felt like I should read some of the other stories. Volume 2 was out of stock and volume 3 won't ship for a few weeks because it's on back order, that's why I got 1 & 4 right now, as they were in stock and available. The comic is about a girl and an odd monster-guy who hunt down slashers (horror movie-esque serial killers).
Speaking of Suicidegirls, I did have one happy moment this week. A Suicidegirl read my blog. Well ok, she read my girlfriend application, or at least skimmed it, and even though she didn't fill it out, she left a comment.
She didn't approve my friend request, so I don't think the comment was a compliment, but the fact that a hot, nude model read my blog kind of makes me happy. BTW, my blog hits on Myspace passed 13,000 this week, and my Myspace profile views passed 11,000. Nice to know I'm popular online, even if I'm not in real life. Oh, but another Suicidegirl sent me a picture of herself nude and made up like a zombie, which I think she only sent to her friends (though she probably has thousands of people on her friends list). That made me smile.
I think I forgot to post the link to my SG profile so here it is :
http://suicidegirls.com/members/Dysthymia83/
Ok, I guess that's all I need to talk about right now. Friday I'm seeing "Saw 5" after work, so hopefully that will cheer me up, or at least distract me from my horrible life for 90 minutes. Earlier this week at work the bosses were trying to convince people to wear white shirts on Friday so they could pin black spots to us and we could dress up like Dalmatians for a group Halloween photo, and somehow this lead to some good-natured picking on me, which I unfortunately was in too bad a mood to appreciate, so I basically just stated I wouldn't be dressing in white because all my on-work clothes are black (a half-truth) and I didn't want to wear white to "Saw 5". My fav boss tried to bribe me by saying she'd let me lave 15 minutes early on Friday to catch the show if I dressed up, but I actually don't need to leave early since the show starts at 5:15 PM and I get out at 5 PM anyway.
Next week my best friend returns, but my guess is she'll be too busy with other people to hang out with me much that week, especially with Halloween that Friday. My only Halloween plans are to see "Zack and Miri Make A Porno" and try not to be too depressed that I won't have a Sexy Goth Kitten to help me fuck the pain away while Skinny Puppy's "Tormentor" and Marilyn Manson's "Para Noir" blast in the background (yeah, I'm not too depressed to develop a special Halloween sex fantasy). And then it's November. I hate that we're going to have to change the clocks and it'll be dark when I wake up and then dark when I leave work. I'm not a fucking vampire, I need to see some sun in my day. Plus I'll have to start my car in the morning because the windows will be frosty. Stupid New England winters.
Hopefully in November Jess from RI will find time to take me to Club Hell so I can try to meet a cute Goth/Emo/Punk/Scene/Geek girl. Vicki said she'd get back to me on when she can hang out with me too. So yeah, no real friend hang out plans on the horizon. And "Repo: The Genetic Opera" isn't opening anywhere remotely close to RI, so I can't even use that as an excuse to get someone to hang out with me, whereas if it opened in Boston I might have been able to rope Jess into driving me to that one. After a girlfriend, a fuck buddy, or a cuddle buddy, more real life friends is 4th on the people I need to meet.
Ok, I guess that's all for now. I end this entry with someone I found while looking through my old blogs. It's called "Ode To Nice Guys". I didn't write it, and I don't remember where I found it, but here it is :
___
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.
The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgment, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
___
**Still figuring out how to post pics in an SG blog entry, hence references to pics that aren't here.**
So It's been a week since I posted my girlfriend application, and 10 days since I posted my last "real" blog entry. The only thing more indicative of me being in bad mood than blog entries posted really close together, are when I wait a long ass time between "real" entries, and the past, oh, week and a half or so, I've been pretty goddamned bummed out. Last week was really horrible, but this week, while I still feel really shitty, I am working on my skills at faking being okay, which are met with mixed results. I kinda/sorta faked being happy a little bit at Waterfire, but I was genuinely happy most of that night, so the stretch to fake it for about 10% of that night wasn't too bad. BTW, the picture above was from that night, I stole it from Crystal's Myspace (hopefully she doesn't mind, lol). Of course, things have actually gotten worse this week, but I'll get to that in a bit.
So what kicked off my latest bout into unfathomable sadness and nights spent under the covers crying myself to sleep listening to that awesome Framing Hanley CD? Well, it was one night when I was online and it hit me how alone I was. And what made me realize it was the fact that I, currently, have no hopes as far as girls I am interested in. Don't get me wrong, there are always girls around that I am attracted to, like CGCN or whomever. But right now there are no girls I am crushing on that I actually have even a minuscule chance with. I have no one to pursue or try to win over or hope something might happen with. I have no prospects out there right now. None. Nada. Nothing. I am so fucking alone right now. I spend all of my nights alone in my bedroom. I don't even have anyone I can call up for cuddling or sex, like some other single people I know at least have, which is less than what I want, but still a lot more than I have and would be nice. But no, I have nothing, except a computer and my increasingly futile attempts to try to make connections with other human beings using it. Even now that I have real life friends, it still doesn't fill the gaping hole left by the lack of love, or at least some approximation of physical or emotional intimacy in my life. And knowing I have no hopes or prospects right now toward correcting that status in my life, toward changing the tide and winning over a girl...it leaves me feeling hopeless, defeated, and gloomy, and I wonder what the point is of living and my entire life is going to be miserable because I'll never be truly happy unless I'm WITH someone.
It came to a head at the end of last week because on top of my personal issues with the lovesickness and all, I had an issue at work where my computer was broken Thursday and Friday, which left me having to sit at other cubicles where all the systems are lacking or screwed up and it made me more irritable and angry on top of how sad and scared I already am, and obviously that caldron of negative emotions effects your job performance. I felt bad because my best friend was going on vacation that Saturday, won't be back til Monday of next week, and I was feeling so down I didn't even hang out with her on break that Friday, and the day before I barely spoke and was just a horrible, angry, depressed bastard. Though before I left on Friday I did make sure to wish her a fun vacation, I didn't want to be an asshole and leave work without speaking to her. Since then she's texted Kerri to say hi to me, and to say that she bought me an awesome gift down there and "he better cheer up or he ain't getting it". I'm not quite sure the strategy of withholding a good thing from a depressed person to make them less depressed is prudent, lol. But she's usually quite good at cheering me a lot of time, so maybe by next week I'll feel a bit better, but I doubt it. Well I do have "Saw 5" to look forward to on Friday. At least there's always the movies.
Well aside from romantic problems, I guess I have a more immediate problem to worry about now : my house might be getting foreclosed on. I live with my mom and stepdad, and while I've been doing quite well for myself (assuming the current banking crisis doesn't effect my job..which it might since the UK government bailed out my bank's parent company and despite all the corporate propaganda memos telling us we're okay, the pathological pessimist in me thinks things will get a lot worse), they have not. So unless the steps they are taking to try and work out the issues succeed, by mid November or December I might have to move again. I fucking hate moving. I must have moved 20 times in my life, all within the same 3 towns in RI. I like this house, and I was kind of hoping the next time I had to move would be when I finally move out on my own, but I guess that's not the case. Of course, if we do end up moving it'll probably be a short notice deal, and we'd probably have to take whatever we can get, and who knows if where we move will be someplace I am comfortable driving to, or driving to and from work to. And if the place is some small little apartment or condo if there will be room for my stuff and the dog and the cat and....would you think any less of me if I admitted I was scared. Terrified. Petrified. Because I am.
Part of me thinks I should take this, I hesitate to call it an "opportunity", to see about getting a little place of my own. But that prospect scares me too. I had always hoped that when I finally moved out, it would be to get a place with a girl I was dating, that way I wouldn't be doing it alone and responsibilities would be shared. The thing I hate about the idea of striking out on my own, REALLY on my own, is that it would make me even more alone. At least now I have my mom, my stepdad, my dog, and my cat. If I move out, it's just me. I'll wake up in an empty apartment, go to work, and come home to an empty apartment. I don't know if the isolation would drive me crazy or make me more depressed, or if the stress of going from having relatively no bills to having a bunch would cause me to have a nervous breakdown. And I don't think I could do the roommate thing since I hate most other guys, thus couldn't stand to live with one, and if I had a female roommate I think it would be awkward if the girl brought home a guy and I had to hear them fucking in another room. Maybe if I just had a lesbian roommate and I could hear her fucking her girlfriend in the other room...that'd be kind of hot, and much better than a nightlight when it comes to safe things to help you fall asleep, lol.
I don't know. Right now I have a good amount of money saved up from my job and from the money I inherited after my father died. Living with my mom and stepdad has helped me save that since my only expenses are car insurance, internet, student loans (which will be completely paid off in January) and money for my groceries (my mom does the actual shopping). Oh, and gas for my car, but one of the good things about the bad economy is that it has caused oil, and thus gasoline, to become cheaper, and I can once again fill up my tank with $25.00 and that lasts me 10-14 days due to how little I drive. If I were to move out, my budget would be much more strained since I would have to pay for rent, water, heat (gas or oil), electricity, cable, internet, car insurance, groceries and other food-related expenses (BK), gas, plus any furniture or appliances I can't take with me. Depending on what any apartment or condo I move into comes with (and some of those above utilities might be included in rent) I might need to get a washer and dryer or a fridge. Seeing as how it's just me and I probably won't be entertaining company, I could probably make do without anything like a living room set. Hell, chances are the apartment I would get would be 3 rooms, a bedroom, a bathroom, and some main room/kitchen dealie. Essentially I'm just afraid that the nice little sum of $$ I've saved up, which I've been telling myself would be to help get my movie made some day even though I haven't worked on my screenplay since August, would rapidly deplete. I'd also have to cut down on the $$ I spend on Amazon or other things, like on the rare occasion I go out with friends. In the worst case scenario of the house being foreclosed on and us having to move out, I might have to just make a detailed list of expenses and figure out how I can live comfortably on my salary if I wanted to live on my own, and hope my job doesn't get cut if I did so. Also my driving phobia will limit the places I will look for an apartment to towns I am comfortable driving in : Johnston, Cranston, Smithfield, Scituate, and Warwick. Something tells me it won't be easy finding places to live right now, and if I did find a place in my price range it'd probably be some little shanty, drug den or something.
The thing is I'm not ready to move out on my own. Yeah, I know I'm 25 years old and people my age are getting married and having kids, but it's no secret that developmentally way behind my peers. I just lost my virginity a little over 2 months ago..most people lose theirs at 15 or 16. And yeah, I know it won't exactly help me with the ladies when I tell them I still live with mommy, nor can I bring a girl home for nookie on the odd chance non-existent Hell froze over and I met a girl at a club or something and she wanted to get amorous. Pretty much the only plus I can see to living on my own right now would be the freedom to walk around naked and look at porn any time I wanted. Everything else is a negative. And hell, well I live with my mom and stepdad, I at least know I can count on them to drive me to work if the roads are bad from snow, or something like that. The idea of being self-reliant scares me because I have no confidence in myself. At least if I were living with a girlfriend, like Alysa and I almost got to the point of doing, you're not alone when you tackle a problem, you're a team. Plus two paychecks are much easier on the bills than one. Hell, I know plenty of couple who have 2 paychecks and can't make ends meet, so I don't know how I'd be able to do it on my own.
So yeah, I'm fucking scared. Really really scared. And depressed because it seems like this is just one more thing that pushes me toward being more alone. Because I can just picture it now. We'll have to move out and into some small little apartment. My mom and stepdad will be super stressed because there's not enough room for all our stuff, and immediately they'll launch on me because I have so much "junk" (DVDs, books, knick-knacks, etc) and the stress they cause me combined with the asshole customers at work combined with my sadness over my inability to get a girlfriend will just drive me back into a deep dark depression. Let's reintroduce out shadows. It's bad enough I'm getting worse right now, crying myself to sleep nearly every night because I'm so sad and scared and lonely and angry at myself and at the world, but it looks like in the enxt couple of weeks things are just going to keep getting worse. And New Year's Eve, one of the 3 biggest depressing days of the year for me , is right around the corner. I got through my birthday thanks to April, and Valentine's Day is far off enough that I don't need to worry about it yet, but New Year's Evil is going to knock me for a loop, I already know that.
So yeah, I'm hoping either my mom and stepdad can refinance or the foreclosure date can be pushed back so they can file for bankruptcy or get a lawyer and a court date to keep the house or something, but I doubt it. Things are going to get worse before they get better. And I'm all alone in struggle, really. Fuck.
Alright, well you're all tired of hearing me whine about how I can't get a girl, and if I keep talking out this foreclosure/possibly moving thing I'm going to have a panic attack, so I'll put that on the back burner for now and move on.
Last weekend I went to see "W" and gave it a B-. It was odd how the film tried to be fair and even with Bush, and yeah it was the very treatment that made me hate the man more. Instead of portraying him as evil, he is merely a dumb jock who spends 40 some odd years of his life as a drunken buffoon with major daddy issues, then trades one unhealthy addiction (booze) or another (religion) and decides to get back at his dad and try to boost his own ego by becoming president, and his own selfish attempts to feel better about himself cause the country to nearly destroy itself. Bush is an asshole. Fuck him. I can't wait to vote for Obama in 2 weeks. The film was pretty good, but would have been better if it have covered a wider scope. It mainly just covers Bush's college years and early political career, and then the build up to the Iraq war. I would have preferred a 3 hour film that covered more areas (cocaine use, Air National Guard, the Florida recount, 9/11, Katrina, etc) but the film as it is makes for a decent biopic with some great performances.
My recent Amazon purchases are as follows:
-"Star Wars : The Force Unleashed" video game for my PS3. It's a fun game but very short. I'm stuck on a level where you have to use the force to crash a giant space ship. I beat the level once, but I was using a cheat code and the game won't let you save if you use cheat codes, so I have to try and beat it without the code, which I can't.
-"Right At Your Door" on DVD..haven't watched it yet, don't know if it's any good.
-"Family Guy : Volume 6" on DVD...haven't watched it yet, seen some of the eps on TV already.
-"Simpsons : Season 11" on DVD...this was the first season since season one where there were more than a few episodes I didn't like. It's still the best comedy series ever on TV, but starting with season 11 not every episode was a complete gem.
-"Dead By Dawn"...this is the 1st book in the Sookie Stackhouse series, upon which the HBO TV show "True Blood" is based. I started reading it today, after finished reading "Easy Riders, Raging Bulls" (A very good book about Hollywood in the 1970s) and so far the book is close to the TV show, but the TV show added a ton of other stuff, naturally, like season 1 of "Dexter" did with the book it was based on.
-"The Porning of America"...a book about how Porn has seeped into mainstream culture and how it is affecting society. My screenplay touches very briefly on some of these issues, as it relates to how young people (approx my age) are dealing with sex and romance and intimacy in a highly sexualized society that has also turned sex into a commodity a huge degree. I've heard good things about the book, and while I am a huge supporter of the pornographic arts, I'm interested in reading a book that is not anti-porn, but does worry about how ready and freely available access to sexually explicit material is possibly harming the emotional development of people in their teens and 20s. In some ways I think it has helped me, since I didn't see my 1st real live vagina til I was 21 or 22, and as someone who can't get sex it's helpful to have porn to satisfy urges and fantasies and whatnot...and apparently watching porn made me more than adequate at cunnlingus, lol. But at the same time has overexposure to sexually explicit material responsible for how depressed I get over my lack of experience as compared to how I perceive the experience of my peers as being, which could also bleed into my depression over being unable to find love or be in a relationship. I don't know.
-"Halloween : Nightdance"..a comic book featuring Michael Myers from the "Halloween" films.
'"Hack/Slash" volumes 1 & 4...These are comic books. They had a special graphic novel of "Hack/Slash" that tied in with the Suicidegirls, and after I bought and read that I felt like I should read some of the other stories. Volume 2 was out of stock and volume 3 won't ship for a few weeks because it's on back order, that's why I got 1 & 4 right now, as they were in stock and available. The comic is about a girl and an odd monster-guy who hunt down slashers (horror movie-esque serial killers).
Speaking of Suicidegirls, I did have one happy moment this week. A Suicidegirl read my blog. Well ok, she read my girlfriend application, or at least skimmed it, and even though she didn't fill it out, she left a comment.
She didn't approve my friend request, so I don't think the comment was a compliment, but the fact that a hot, nude model read my blog kind of makes me happy. BTW, my blog hits on Myspace passed 13,000 this week, and my Myspace profile views passed 11,000. Nice to know I'm popular online, even if I'm not in real life. Oh, but another Suicidegirl sent me a picture of herself nude and made up like a zombie, which I think she only sent to her friends (though she probably has thousands of people on her friends list). That made me smile.
I think I forgot to post the link to my SG profile so here it is :
http://suicidegirls.com/members/Dysthymia83/
Ok, I guess that's all I need to talk about right now. Friday I'm seeing "Saw 5" after work, so hopefully that will cheer me up, or at least distract me from my horrible life for 90 minutes. Earlier this week at work the bosses were trying to convince people to wear white shirts on Friday so they could pin black spots to us and we could dress up like Dalmatians for a group Halloween photo, and somehow this lead to some good-natured picking on me, which I unfortunately was in too bad a mood to appreciate, so I basically just stated I wouldn't be dressing in white because all my on-work clothes are black (a half-truth) and I didn't want to wear white to "Saw 5". My fav boss tried to bribe me by saying she'd let me lave 15 minutes early on Friday to catch the show if I dressed up, but I actually don't need to leave early since the show starts at 5:15 PM and I get out at 5 PM anyway.
Next week my best friend returns, but my guess is she'll be too busy with other people to hang out with me much that week, especially with Halloween that Friday. My only Halloween plans are to see "Zack and Miri Make A Porno" and try not to be too depressed that I won't have a Sexy Goth Kitten to help me fuck the pain away while Skinny Puppy's "Tormentor" and Marilyn Manson's "Para Noir" blast in the background (yeah, I'm not too depressed to develop a special Halloween sex fantasy). And then it's November. I hate that we're going to have to change the clocks and it'll be dark when I wake up and then dark when I leave work. I'm not a fucking vampire, I need to see some sun in my day. Plus I'll have to start my car in the morning because the windows will be frosty. Stupid New England winters.
Hopefully in November Jess from RI will find time to take me to Club Hell so I can try to meet a cute Goth/Emo/Punk/Scene/Geek girl. Vicki said she'd get back to me on when she can hang out with me too. So yeah, no real friend hang out plans on the horizon. And "Repo: The Genetic Opera" isn't opening anywhere remotely close to RI, so I can't even use that as an excuse to get someone to hang out with me, whereas if it opened in Boston I might have been able to rope Jess into driving me to that one. After a girlfriend, a fuck buddy, or a cuddle buddy, more real life friends is 4th on the people I need to meet.
Ok, I guess that's all for now. I end this entry with someone I found while looking through my old blogs. It's called "Ode To Nice Guys". I didn't write it, and I don't remember where I found it, but here it is :
___
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.
The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgment, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
___
**Still figuring out how to post pics in an SG blog entry, hence references to pics that aren't here.**
miro:
But I'm a redhead now 