Urgh, yesterday was hideous. I hate funerals, I intensely dislike the long poncey speeches about how God in his infinite wisdom blah blah blah and it all turns into a big God Is Good tirade and completely ignores the fact that up there in a box that seems impossibly small for such a big fat jolly man is a person who touched everyone he met, who loved everyone and who everyone loved, who was one of the most amazingly intelligent, kind and humourous people I've ever known, who painted beautiful watercolours and cheated at snap, and if this supposedly omnibenevolent God really, truly existed, why would he want to rid the world of such a person, and in such a horrible manner?
Then the other stuff, written by my grandmother, as it showed his life full of love for her, no mention that he wanted to divorce her as she was psychotic and beat their kids, no mention that he couldn't as she threatened to kill herself if he did.
Seeing your mum cry in a truly end of the world grief striken way is one of the most horrible things.
Finally it was all over and I escaped to Adam's, the one place in the world i can feel safe and secure and whole.
Only then my dad rang me there, to tell me that I treat him and June (his girlfriend) like shit, that I don't go to see them or phone. Anyone see ER, with Ray Liotta? I felt like the kid who had abandoned his dying father. I felt like the most inhuman being on the planet, and I broke. Forgot the facts, that they've never invited me there, either, that everytime I call it's engaged, that really he's the one who pushed me out of the family, that he's turned my room into her daughter's room despite building an extension for her kids, forgot that they were the ones whose selfishness tore everyone else apart, and forgot that he refuses to see that he may ever have done anything wrong. I think he chose the wrong day. I had some kind of attack and couldnt do anything but sit in a ball in the bathroom for an hour or so shaking and staring. It's horrible not being able to talk even though all you want to do is ask Is he right? Would the world be a better place if I just curled up and died?
Today is a better day, despite a minor panic attack on the train. I intensely hate and fear moving vehicles. Cars scare the shit out of me, the only person I can really tolerate driving me anywhere is my mum, everyone else terrifies me and I bite my lip and squeeze my nails into my palms the whole way. Buses are okay normally, they're big and slow, though some of the drivers in Brighton seem a bit too kamikaze for my liking...trains I can cope with normally, but the tube terrifies me, and every now and then on trains I get this hideous feeling like my chest is being squashed with rubber bands and I can't breathe, I get dizzy and sick and I need to get out of there. So I guess, moving 200 miles from family and friends, not the best of ideas.
But I'm back now, and actually feeling okay. I was meant to be seeing Soulwax tonight but I just can't face it, which is gutting because it's a stupid amount of money I can't afford and nobody else wants my tickets, and also because I really wanted to go. I'll probably kick myself in a couple of days but right now I just want tea, and comfort.
Eventually I'll write a cheerful journal entry, to make up for this one.
xx
Then the other stuff, written by my grandmother, as it showed his life full of love for her, no mention that he wanted to divorce her as she was psychotic and beat their kids, no mention that he couldn't as she threatened to kill herself if he did.
Seeing your mum cry in a truly end of the world grief striken way is one of the most horrible things.
Finally it was all over and I escaped to Adam's, the one place in the world i can feel safe and secure and whole.
Only then my dad rang me there, to tell me that I treat him and June (his girlfriend) like shit, that I don't go to see them or phone. Anyone see ER, with Ray Liotta? I felt like the kid who had abandoned his dying father. I felt like the most inhuman being on the planet, and I broke. Forgot the facts, that they've never invited me there, either, that everytime I call it's engaged, that really he's the one who pushed me out of the family, that he's turned my room into her daughter's room despite building an extension for her kids, forgot that they were the ones whose selfishness tore everyone else apart, and forgot that he refuses to see that he may ever have done anything wrong. I think he chose the wrong day. I had some kind of attack and couldnt do anything but sit in a ball in the bathroom for an hour or so shaking and staring. It's horrible not being able to talk even though all you want to do is ask Is he right? Would the world be a better place if I just curled up and died?
Today is a better day, despite a minor panic attack on the train. I intensely hate and fear moving vehicles. Cars scare the shit out of me, the only person I can really tolerate driving me anywhere is my mum, everyone else terrifies me and I bite my lip and squeeze my nails into my palms the whole way. Buses are okay normally, they're big and slow, though some of the drivers in Brighton seem a bit too kamikaze for my liking...trains I can cope with normally, but the tube terrifies me, and every now and then on trains I get this hideous feeling like my chest is being squashed with rubber bands and I can't breathe, I get dizzy and sick and I need to get out of there. So I guess, moving 200 miles from family and friends, not the best of ideas.
But I'm back now, and actually feeling okay. I was meant to be seeing Soulwax tonight but I just can't face it, which is gutting because it's a stupid amount of money I can't afford and nobody else wants my tickets, and also because I really wanted to go. I'll probably kick myself in a couple of days but right now I just want tea, and comfort.
Eventually I'll write a cheerful journal entry, to make up for this one.
xx
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As for your farther, Sorry I know that he's your dad and all but he does sound like a totally manipulative dick. I've dealt with to many of them. As you get older you do find it easier to tell people to go fuck themselves (that whole fun think of being able to love someone while hate them at the same time) and still be okay with yourself.