dw

yeah...waking up at 4:30 am with a shitload of energy and i'm not really sure what to do with it. not even entirely sure if i want to write anything, i'm just sort of at a loss for anything else to do - i was moving furniture around a few minutes ago but it's sort of noisy and i'm not sure if there's even anything else i can put anywhere - this god damn house is getting crowded.

i've been thinking a lot lately about the death of morality in my life, and how...easy it was, i guess would be the word. it seems like i have just sort of been tearing a lot of stuff down lately with an ease that borders on frightening. i realized at work tonight how easy it is to tear down and/or build up anything that you want to in life...all the things that have been crumbling around me lately - morality, the idea of good and bad even existing as anything substantial, etc - it's just because i wanted them to fall. i set out to prove that there wasn't any real moral compass out there for me (and that by extension there wasn't anything other than a completely arbitrarily determined one for anyone else either) and i proved it, because i wanted to. if i wanted to prove the opposite of that i think i probably could.

and that's a little chilling as well. the thought that all of this stuff that has been rocking my world lately could totally flip flop back the other way with a little bit of effort on my part...i'm still coming to terms with that, which is a nice way of saying that i don't think i want to think about it any more for now.

there's more going on than i think i can do justice to here right now, so maybe i'll just end it there - off to chat for a little while then, and maybe a random posting spree or two - i find that so satisfying in such a weird, voyeuristic way - but i guess to say that here is a little redundant so anyway i'll leave it at that.