dw

all the lights are off in my house...i'm about to go to sleep with my beautiful girlfriend...things have never been better for me. i guess i'm living the life i'd always imagined for myself. it's amazing to me, to sit back and consider the path that's taken to me to this point...i never wanted to be happy. i had definitely grown to the point where dissatisfaction and dissonance and all the attendant feelings were the status quo and without that i was totally cast adrift with no compass at all...the only landscape i knew was frustration and blah blah blah blah...

so here's my point for now...what causes you to deny yourself happiness? this is a real stumper for me, and i feel like if i could figure it out i'd be a lot closer to solving the seventeen sided rubix cube that is my life...there's the natural self-image problems that our culture (meaning western society) perpetuates, and of course we all live with that, but i have this unshakable notion that there's something deeper or at least harder to pin down that causes me to believe that i don't DESERVE to be happy...........i guess that's what it is. i don't want to allow myself happiness because i don't feel like i DESERVE it...but if (as i sort of started to explore in my last entry) there are no obligations now then what the hell am i worrying about what i deserve for? if life is just your choices then i shouldn't have this overriding sense of justification to fulfill, and i should be able to be happy just of my own choosing, right? right.

okay it's too late i have to go to bed more later for sure but for now adios and goodnight.