Soooo it has been a while since i did a therapy vent session on here. i doubt many people read these and thats probably a good thing cause it's just a bunch of whiny Mangina bullshit. but hey... even men need to vent from time to time.
Things have been rather hectic my side of late. Not only has my work taken off but I met a girl who seemed very much into me. Sure she was young (OK a lot younger) but we seemed to hit it off and find a connection that i haven't really had with many other girls. Most of the women i have had that connection with, have ended up being life long friends (MORE on that issue later).
Back to the girl. When i say we connected its not just me who noticed, all our friends would make comments about "Couple this" and "You guys are so good together that" and it became apparent that it wasn't just my imagination. A couple weeks of us spending a lot of time together go by and i decide to invite her to my end of Season Club Rugby Prize Giving dinner as my plus one, she is ecstatic to come and off we go. What a night! All the guys were staring at us going "you lucky bastard" and all the girls were patting me on the back and saying how happy they are to see me happy and "are we together?" and so on and so on. I felt on top of the world. Finally i "had someone" who was interested in me for who i was and it felt so so natural. I thought the night could not have gotten any better. How wrong i was going to be.
At quite an early hour of the morning she asks if we can carry on and head out to the local "Club". I kick myself now because i recall how persistant she was with this. I hesitate (as I'm by this point pretty tuckered out and ready to drop her at home and get back to bed - I'm old school like that) but I fell victim to the fluttering eyelids and those stunning green eyes glaring back up at me and caved. We get there and all is good. She introduces me to this Guy and then BOOM... She vanishes... Now I don't mind when a girl heads off to go dance and have a little razzle while i stand and order drinks and I'm not one to go searching for her like a little possessive loon but eventually quite some time passes and i think its probably a good idea to go see where she is. Then i see it. She is standing with her back to the bar, this guy she introduced me to as "a friend" is standing in front of her, holding her and launching himself down her throat. I freeze. I wait to see if she tries to pull away. She doesn't. Devastation. I retreat to my corner to try and work this out. Not long after that i decide its best that i go home and face this conundrum i have found myself in in the morning. I go to find her to let her know I'm leaving (Cause i was her lift remember) and cant find her. I ask our mutual friends if they have seen her and the response hits me in the nuts so hard i can feel my abdominal muscles shiver. "She's gone home already Dust", says my friend with this look of utter pity on their face. Sinking feeling number 2 for the night. The worst part was she left and i was still looking after her bag, which had her phone and wallet in it. How much of a douche do you think you must feel like when you standing there bag in hand, friends looking at you like THEY wish the earth would just open and swallow you up and the knowledge that you just paved the highway for the fast and the furious crew to come and hijack your shit. Yeah, pretty damn douchey. I go home. I lie awake. Worrying that she hasn't been roofied by this guy or that she has no phone to contact anyone and other irrational thoughts a big brother, like myself to my two younger sisters. Its a long night when you cant sleep from worry."What makes someone do that to another person? " I never quite got the idea behind it.
The next day she came to my house to collect her belongngs and acted very sheepishly. I was of course blazed in an attempt to bury the rage deep deep down inside of me, so I kind of gave her her stuff and avoided talking about it. 2 days later i asked to meet and asked her why? She then had the nerve to ask me why i was angry???? Firstly, i fetched you from home and it was my responsibility to get you home safe. Secondly, i had no idea where you were all night and hardly slept cause you didn't even try and get hold of me to say you were ok. Thirdly, i had already told her that i really liked her and she knew that before that night. I just don't understand it. Why? So we talked it out. She told me she had been seeing this guy off and on for a while and no-one knew about it cause he was freshly "broken up" with his girlfriend (Which turns out now he wasn't) and that she had these feelings for him and that is what had happened. I agreed to remain "friends" (even though the last thing i reall need is a new friend) and I moved on after that. I find it hard to believe a woman that can pull such a stunt can actually be a loyal partner.
In the meantime i had one of my best friends return home from teaching in asia and we have been spending a lot of time together. She is definitely a soul mate even though i had never looked at her as much more than a really close and great friend. That was then and this is now. She came back different. changed. I had been chatting to her on skype the whole time she was there, regularly. We chatted almost every second to third day for a couple hours at a time laughing at the new Jenna Marbles video or sharing stories of what had happened those few days, pulling funny faces and generally talking a bunch of fuckery and poppycock nonsense. However, as i said, she had now returned home and we spent time together like never before. Then something strange happened. I started to think that this has been in front of me the whole time and have i been missing something? What capped it off was us going out one night and getting a little buggered. She came home with me even though her house is on the way between the pub and my place. Now i know what you thinking, "He slept with her and now its weird". Well no, something far more unexplainable happened. I gave her clothes to sleep in and i got into some sleeping shorts and we fell asleep next to each other as if we had been married for 20 years. And when i woke up the next morning and she was next to me, it felt right. That fucked me up even more than if we had just done a drunken break-dance contest in my bed. I began to question what this was. We are so so compatible but i just cannot bring myself to bring up the subject. The possibility of breaking that barrier between friendship and a relationship with her is like a huge red caution light flashing above the shiny door. I cannot lose her even if there is a possibility that i might be having the right feelings. I am truly lost. I find myself thinking i should quickly go back to the first girl (Who has been making efforts towards me again) so that i don't jeopardize this unbelievable connection I have with my friend in the hopes that she feels the same way. Although I've recently picked up some body language educational tips and i find a few to many coincidental similarities between her behavior and what the book says.
I guess I'm asking... What do i do with all of this?
Keep safe and keep smiling
D
