dulcemara

Time to post a LONG overdue entry.

Brandon is not the asshole that I portray him to be. Yes, there are things that he does that piss me off, that I don't agree with. But there is way too much going on past and present that no one realizes. Mainly because I don't make it known. Well that is about to change.

Brandon is the only person in my life who has stuck by me through thick and thin. He has had to put up with ALOT of shit from me. Mainly, my dishonesty. Yes, I have a problem with lying. I spend all of this time afraid to be myself, or be honest with people for the fear that they simply wont like me. But like Brandon said the other night, what is the point of having people like you if that isn't who you really are? For those of you who read this, it will be left up to you as to whether or not you want to continue talking to me. If you do, than great, and if you don't than oh well. But this is something that needs to be done not only to clear Brandon's name that I have so badly destroyed, but to come to grips with the reality of who I really am.

Whether it's tiny things or big things I never seem to tell Brandon the truth about anything. And of course him knowing me as well as he does, he always catches me in the lie. Than we fight, things get shitty, and even though I hate it being like that, and seeing him so upset, for some reason I continue to do it. Small lies, or big lies they are all lies just the same. And it is absolutely impossible to hold a relationship with someone when there is no trust. I cannot blame him for the way that he acts. How would you react if the person that you loved with all your heart *there is no doubt that he loves me, or he wouldn't have stuck around so long* continues to lie to you about just about everything. And no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to make it better. I know that I would not deal with that well. I know this because the one and only time that he lied to me I could barely function over it. You have to give someone credit for putting themselves through so much pain trying to help someone that they love. Trying everything that he can to salvage what was left of our relationship. He definately can't say he didn't try.

It's not that I want to hurt him, or enjoy doing it. To be honest I don't really know why I do. For some reason in the back of my mind I am more afraid of what will happen from telling him the truth and him getting mad at me than lying to him. Even though I know that he will find out, and be way more upset and mad at me for lying to him.

I destroyed any chance I had of a relationship with Brandon a long time ago. And when I finally came to grips with that I just gave up. It's like I tried really hard, and was getting better, and the moment that I thought that we were truly done I just stopped caring. But that isn't right. If I am going to make the effort to change, it needs to be for me also. I shouldn't only want to do it if I get something out of it. So I am on a mission to change myself. I may have lost all opportunity to have the relationship with Brandon that I wanted, but I can at least try to save the friendship that we have left. But a friendship is also impossible without trust. It is going to take a long time for him to be able to trust me, and it is going to be hard. But he stuck by me through all this shit and the least I can do in return is deal with the shit that comes with my own mistakes. He deserves that. He is really an awesome guy. I don't believe that I will ever meet someone that knows me as well as he does. Or someone that fits with me so well. I know that we could have had something really great. Something so far beyond what most typical relationships are. But unfortunately I screwed that up more times than I can count. Whether it's what I do online, where I go, who I see or talk to on the phone, I am always lying to him. Than when I actually do tell him the truth about something it's like I expect to be praised for it. It is ridiculous and completely unfair to him.

So, even though we obviously can't be together anymore, I have to make an honest to god effort to be honest with him. No matter what it may be about. Or how angry I think he may get. I know that this is something that I should have done a long time ago, and just never cared enough to do it. I am sure you are all thinking *how hard can it be to just tell the truth?* But trust me, once you make a habit of lying, it's a little more difficult to do.

I am not this innocent victim that I have been portraying. I have been about the worst girlfriend and hurt him more than any human being deserves. And through it all he stuck by me. Giving me chance after chance. Because he loves me. More than I think anyone else ever could or will.

I wish that I hadn't have screwed things up so bad, but I cannot change the past. I can only work on the future. And though I wish to god there was still a future for me to save with him, that time has passed. Now I must focus on bettering my friendship with him. And becoming someone that I can be proud of when I look in the mirror. For the sake of my son and everyone else that is involved in my life.

From this moment on I swear on my son's life that I will be completely and brutally honest. I have to. I cannot keep living this way and dragging everyone down with me.

So if this makes you not want to talk to me anymore than so be it. But I have to face the truth of who I have become and what it is going to take to change. Change is a must. It cannot wait anylonger.

That is all. I hope everyone has a great weekend.

*kisses*
Leta