I'm mad as hell and I have chosen my journal as my platform (duh, doesn't everybody).
No, but really, I am so mad at myself more than anyone else. I don't know if my expectations of love (especially) or life are unrealistic or if I'm just living a life of bad luck.
I have always been about fun, laughter and love but I just can't seem to grasp it. Every person I have ever loved has shit on me. From parents to love interests. What is so hard about exspessing love and recieving love from people. I've heard it all; your too needy, your smoothering me, etc. and these comments make me feel as if I really have a problem. But the person (currently) who tells me these things is completely unaffectionate and doesn't understand exspressing love. We never snuggle unless were asleep. Never while watching tv or just hanging out. She never wants to hold my hand or give me hugs or just say "I love you" like normal people do (couples do say those things don't they?). This and other horrible stuff has been going on for 13 years. I'm mad at myself for sticking around so long. I have had numerous interests that I have passed over because I wanted to be good and honest and not hurt anyone when all-a-long it has been me I'm hurtin. I have been told "go find someone else if you want". Does that mean I should? I don't want to just fuck someone, anyone can do that. I want to make someone feel good about themselves and myself at the same time.
I am a pleaser (in all ways possible if you know what I mean) but my partner doesn't appriciate it unless they want it and then they get it and feel no need to love back. Embarrasingly (if thats a word), I go 2 to 3 weeks without sex cause this person isn't interested. You can imagine how that makes me feel ( am I ugly, do I smell, do I suck). I know I'm good (if you know what I mean), I pride myself in my abilities, hehe. No, but really, I'm mad at myself for putting up with it for so long. I have sat back and watched my partner have internet affairs and I have found damaging notes to would be lovers that far exceed any I ever recieved from this person. Last year I had someone very interested me and I was taken away by the attention. I tried to make it known and was met with aggression of course but when I mention my partners actions towards her interests, I'm met with even more aggression.
I did the unthinkable and I slept with this other person cause I thought maybe I should and it really hurt me. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to give all my love to my partner but she didn't want it. Unfortunately this other person really wanted me to be with her and that sucks even more because that person didn't deserve what I had to offer which was nothing because I'm in love with my partner or at least think I should be. Whats worse, we wanted to break up but we have not been able to afford it so we have been forced to live with each other. Sounds like a movie of the week plot.
So I'm mad at myself. I don't even make time for friends or myself cause I think I should give my time to my family. My son is 9 and he needs me around. We have a great relationship but his mom doesn't spend any quality time with him. It sucks cause she is really missing out and I don't want to make him feel as if he is a burden. We could be a great family if she was interested in us.
What to do.
So there is my delima ( did I spell that right?). Anyway, thanks for the ear, err.... I mean eyes.
No, but really, I am so mad at myself more than anyone else. I don't know if my expectations of love (especially) or life are unrealistic or if I'm just living a life of bad luck.
I have always been about fun, laughter and love but I just can't seem to grasp it. Every person I have ever loved has shit on me. From parents to love interests. What is so hard about exspessing love and recieving love from people. I've heard it all; your too needy, your smoothering me, etc. and these comments make me feel as if I really have a problem. But the person (currently) who tells me these things is completely unaffectionate and doesn't understand exspressing love. We never snuggle unless were asleep. Never while watching tv or just hanging out. She never wants to hold my hand or give me hugs or just say "I love you" like normal people do (couples do say those things don't they?). This and other horrible stuff has been going on for 13 years. I'm mad at myself for sticking around so long. I have had numerous interests that I have passed over because I wanted to be good and honest and not hurt anyone when all-a-long it has been me I'm hurtin. I have been told "go find someone else if you want". Does that mean I should? I don't want to just fuck someone, anyone can do that. I want to make someone feel good about themselves and myself at the same time.
I am a pleaser (in all ways possible if you know what I mean) but my partner doesn't appriciate it unless they want it and then they get it and feel no need to love back. Embarrasingly (if thats a word), I go 2 to 3 weeks without sex cause this person isn't interested. You can imagine how that makes me feel ( am I ugly, do I smell, do I suck). I know I'm good (if you know what I mean), I pride myself in my abilities, hehe. No, but really, I'm mad at myself for putting up with it for so long. I have sat back and watched my partner have internet affairs and I have found damaging notes to would be lovers that far exceed any I ever recieved from this person. Last year I had someone very interested me and I was taken away by the attention. I tried to make it known and was met with aggression of course but when I mention my partners actions towards her interests, I'm met with even more aggression.
I did the unthinkable and I slept with this other person cause I thought maybe I should and it really hurt me. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to give all my love to my partner but she didn't want it. Unfortunately this other person really wanted me to be with her and that sucks even more because that person didn't deserve what I had to offer which was nothing because I'm in love with my partner or at least think I should be. Whats worse, we wanted to break up but we have not been able to afford it so we have been forced to live with each other. Sounds like a movie of the week plot.
So I'm mad at myself. I don't even make time for friends or myself cause I think I should give my time to my family. My son is 9 and he needs me around. We have a great relationship but his mom doesn't spend any quality time with him. It sucks cause she is really missing out and I don't want to make him feel as if he is a burden. We could be a great family if she was interested in us.
What to do.
So there is my delima ( did I spell that right?). Anyway, thanks for the ear, err.... I mean eyes.
it sounds like even if you cant afford to move you need to anyway. there are plenty of places out there that go on your income and help you out.
trust me. if you really want to leave you can do it.