drunkpandainc

christmas day. everyones finally asleep. I am on my 3rd bottle of crown royal. my moms bf tried to keep up with me but he passed out sharing the first bottle. eveyrone loved their gifts as usual. my moms bf frank got me a some kind of sacrafical knife and my mom got me a watch and a wallet. My brothers got 100 bucks each from my natural father....fucking basterd. he didnt send me anything but a card. my mum said I shouldnt get upset especially since i make more than him and she put together. either way i dont care. i got what i wanted. ......granted i got it for myself. I bought myself a H&K USP .40 caliber handgun!! yay!! i showed it to my mum and she freaked..she has never held a hand gun in her life so i made her hold mine. she looked at it and then me and said i hope this is not the thing that takes your life. lol. please if i had wished it to do so i would have already. if i am gonna end my own existence it will be in a far more painful manner than a gunshot. i want to suffer my last moments on this earth. anyway. I drank my moms bf under the table and got online and just started chatting with other weirdos. My freind eugene is trying to get people to do a mutliplayer halo death match thing at his house....hmmm..since he skipped out of the one i hads a few weeks ago i dont know if i wanna go now. i prolly will still but who knows. Wow...i keep taking shot but i am not getting drunk?? what is up with that.? have i passed the point of real inebreation? its weird. chirstmas and new years are not good holidays for people who are depressed. I never really feel sorry for myself like most mainc drepessants do. I always feel like i deserve what ever pain and sadness i get. I mean if it wasnt for my stupid standards when it comes to infedelity i would be with a very warm and loving woman who i would still willingly sacrifice my life for and her son. I know right now she is in the arms of a guy who from what i hear is so stoned on drugs he has no clue what he has. In that i take no comfort. but thats life i suppose. Seeing my mom and her bf kinda happy and seeing dude nasty and dustin so happy makes me jelous. even my brother and his woman makes me jelous. Its never an easy thing being alone. you can be part of a crowd but your still a singluar body, a nothing. I dunno maybe it the alcohol talking. I told the other night guy he could have christmas eve and christmas off so he could spend with his family but he didnt take it cause he couldnt work the next few days after. which kinda sucks casue i know if i had a wife and kids i would take any opportuinty to be with them i could get. I should have pics of my new gun up soon. I am gonna take my pistol to dustins cause he wants to take a look at it. he got his pistol today from his father. when i am over there i shold be able to take pics of it and me and dustin and his gun. dude nasty things both me and dustin shouldnt be allowed to have guns due to our fragile mental states...lol. Let this be known neither i nor dustin are crazy, suicidal or homicidal in any way. well as far as i know. I seem to have gotten through christmas pretty well. now it only leaves new years to get through and i should be ok. if i can keep myself drunk enough i will be good. other wise i will be an emotional wreck. I have really really bad infiriorty issues. i never feel i am good enough for anything or anyone. i have a bad habit of trying to outdo and spoil people. For some twisted reason i have to be better than everyone and if i cant i lose myself.which happens alot. these days dustin talks or comments about such things. hes a great freind. I used to look to my bud Jen Dragon in florida for advice but she has been AWOL for the last few months. She would call me every day and night to talk to me just cause i could cheer her up and i would welcome the calls just cause she cherished my opinion. but she met a guy who lives close by and has since abandond me. I am happy for her though. she need happienss in her life. she was at the point of suicide. she was a wreck when i went to florida and stayed with her for a few days....lol. but when she found out how bad of a wreck i was she changed. lol. eric better never hurt her or i will have to fly out there again and kick the living shit out of him for hurthing my freind. I hear they are going to get married....lucky them. She is one of those people i will never forget. I knew her only through words on emails and her voice on the phone before i met her.

I just realized i am not even getting a buzz off this crown royal i am drinking. i guess i have gone past the point one could call drunk. lol. ya know its a damn good thing my closeset freinds cant read this journal. they would be bombarding me with quiestions and helpful advice to make me happy. The other journal i keep has no where near the stuff i put into this one. if i did they woudlnt leave me alone. I guess i feel some sick sense of security posting on a journal where only strangers and people who will never know me read. it holds some kind of scerenity that way. dont get me wrong i value all of your opinions and comments but lets get real. we will never really know each other and that in some ways hold some kind of mystery that allows for this kind of openess without real reprecussions. well i think i have had enough of my drunken rambling. I dont know any of you all but i still care for ya. if only in words and sentences. all of you on my freinds list are loved more than you will ever know. may the goddess look after you and yours. i love you all. blessed be.