So heres one of the new tattoos:
LCL, dont you wish you knew.
I was going to post a shitload of new pictures here but I've already gone through that here: Blogo
(I may add them to an album on here sometime, those aren't all there is)
and I don't feel like doing it all over again. It's worth the look, I'm just lazy is all.
You can also see my other new tattoo in the pictures on that other blog.
As for the diagnosis, really it's just one i made myself but it's only a matter of time before I go see a psychiatrist and he agrees w/ me. Borderline Personality disorder. I have all the symptoms except one. Well at least I think. I mean it's really hard to look at yourself that way. Coz there are parts of you that you wish weren't true, and other parts that you wish were. But in order to make a diagnosis like this, you have to see yourself the way others see you. Would your actions be perceived this way to other people? But then again, not every time is someone's idea of you is right. You could have had something totally different on your mind but an outside person might not see it that way. But then again, if you're really crazy, how do you know what you really meant by your actions? Do you even have control over your actions? And if you're crazy your perceptions of over people perceptions could be out of whack too.
So how do you know if you're crazy? Trust the people around you to let you know? What if they are the crazy ones? Is it possible that a majority of the world is insane, and its just the few of you that are given the title of insane the real sane ones?
Almost every shrink I've gone too has given me a different opinion about what disease or illness they believe me to have. So which one do I trust? The one that feels right? Can I trust my feelings if I am potentially crazy? If not myself who.
and on and on and on it goes. Going around in circles, doubts and securities, feelings of clarity and feelings of sadness or pain, doesn't everybody go through this? And if so, then why am I struggling so much? Is it because I'm nuts? Weak? Or maybe just brave enough to not just go along w/ the flow of things and start to question it. Maybe thats what insanity is, questioning. Doubting. Not excepting what the world feeds you and searching for your own truth.
Am I crazy, or have I just had too much free time on my hand allowing these thoughts to get into my head, so they can never escape. Suicidal thoughts never leave you, once you think about it, everything you do wrong is a reason to not go on living. And every time you go to a doctor after they know you're depressed asks, "any suicidal thoughts today?" and you have to say no or else you could end up in the hospital until you say you don't have those thoughts anymore, but because you've lied, which is a bad thing, why not kill yourself?
Circles are going to drive me mad.
So by that, then I just need a distraction. One that lasts long enough that my mind doesn't go back to thinking these thoughts that run in circles and drive me mad. So what is this distraction? Is there just one, or will I have to line up several? And if so, if there is ever a lull between distractions, I'll have these thoughts again? So isn't that a circle in itself? Am I doomed to repeat myself over and over until I die? And then what?
Why not die now if thats all I have to look forward to? Whats next? Is there light at the end of the tunnel or is there nothing? If so, what the fuck was the point? So then, in order for me not to kill myself I need to know there's a point. Is it worth it working through my pain enough to enjoy my life and live it? I need to know it's worth it. Thing is, I don't know what I would need, what kind of proof, that could tell me theres a purpose.
I really don't think it's god or finding jesus that could do it. I tried that, when I was kid, when you are supposed to believe everything and feel as if the magical and mystical were real, but I never did. So that can't be. So what then? I really don't know what else there would be. Is there anything else? I"m not sure if there is, maybe it's because jesus and god have been shoved down my throat so much that I've been choking so hard, it's blinding me to other possibilities.
alright alright. I'm done. I'll figure something out.
LCL, dont you wish you knew.
I was going to post a shitload of new pictures here but I've already gone through that here: Blogo
(I may add them to an album on here sometime, those aren't all there is)
and I don't feel like doing it all over again. It's worth the look, I'm just lazy is all.
You can also see my other new tattoo in the pictures on that other blog.
As for the diagnosis, really it's just one i made myself but it's only a matter of time before I go see a psychiatrist and he agrees w/ me. Borderline Personality disorder. I have all the symptoms except one. Well at least I think. I mean it's really hard to look at yourself that way. Coz there are parts of you that you wish weren't true, and other parts that you wish were. But in order to make a diagnosis like this, you have to see yourself the way others see you. Would your actions be perceived this way to other people? But then again, not every time is someone's idea of you is right. You could have had something totally different on your mind but an outside person might not see it that way. But then again, if you're really crazy, how do you know what you really meant by your actions? Do you even have control over your actions? And if you're crazy your perceptions of over people perceptions could be out of whack too.
So how do you know if you're crazy? Trust the people around you to let you know? What if they are the crazy ones? Is it possible that a majority of the world is insane, and its just the few of you that are given the title of insane the real sane ones?
Almost every shrink I've gone too has given me a different opinion about what disease or illness they believe me to have. So which one do I trust? The one that feels right? Can I trust my feelings if I am potentially crazy? If not myself who.
and on and on and on it goes. Going around in circles, doubts and securities, feelings of clarity and feelings of sadness or pain, doesn't everybody go through this? And if so, then why am I struggling so much? Is it because I'm nuts? Weak? Or maybe just brave enough to not just go along w/ the flow of things and start to question it. Maybe thats what insanity is, questioning. Doubting. Not excepting what the world feeds you and searching for your own truth.
Am I crazy, or have I just had too much free time on my hand allowing these thoughts to get into my head, so they can never escape. Suicidal thoughts never leave you, once you think about it, everything you do wrong is a reason to not go on living. And every time you go to a doctor after they know you're depressed asks, "any suicidal thoughts today?" and you have to say no or else you could end up in the hospital until you say you don't have those thoughts anymore, but because you've lied, which is a bad thing, why not kill yourself?
Circles are going to drive me mad.
So by that, then I just need a distraction. One that lasts long enough that my mind doesn't go back to thinking these thoughts that run in circles and drive me mad. So what is this distraction? Is there just one, or will I have to line up several? And if so, if there is ever a lull between distractions, I'll have these thoughts again? So isn't that a circle in itself? Am I doomed to repeat myself over and over until I die? And then what?
Why not die now if thats all I have to look forward to? Whats next? Is there light at the end of the tunnel or is there nothing? If so, what the fuck was the point? So then, in order for me not to kill myself I need to know there's a point. Is it worth it working through my pain enough to enjoy my life and live it? I need to know it's worth it. Thing is, I don't know what I would need, what kind of proof, that could tell me theres a purpose.
I really don't think it's god or finding jesus that could do it. I tried that, when I was kid, when you are supposed to believe everything and feel as if the magical and mystical were real, but I never did. So that can't be. So what then? I really don't know what else there would be. Is there anything else? I"m not sure if there is, maybe it's because jesus and god have been shoved down my throat so much that I've been choking so hard, it's blinding me to other possibilities.
alright alright. I'm done. I'll figure something out.
rys:
Agent Provocateur 