dree

I went to search something on iTunes and I type in "Cris" (my ex).
Fuck. it sucks that he's always on my mind still. It's been around three months now since the break up and I can't seem to make the thought of him go away ever. It seems like we talk less and less everyday and it's really upsetting because I don't want to loose him all together and just have fade away to me. I haven't been trying to text him the past couple days and just waiting for him to talk to me first. Which he does, just always around 11PM-12:30AM and it's always so short and sometimes conversation isn't even finished or pleasant at all... I don't understand.

Conversation from the night before last.
Him: "Ayy"
Me: "Aye, supp?"
Him: "About to get in bed. Supp fag?!"
Me: "Ew. Wash your mouth out! iiii just crawled into bed myselffff."
Him: "Haha. Eww wash your mouth out with weiner."
Me: "Hah, thas dirrty. =p Did you ever get that picture I sent you?"
Him: "lol yaaaaa. Annnd you're dirty. =]"
Me: "Maybe a wee bit. But in a good way. Haha. =D !"
Him: "Hahaha you mean in a hussie way."
Me: "You mean in a hussie way! Jerk-squad. Haha. How are yooouu?"
-No Reply-

Reading that conversation makes us sound so stupid... The way he talks to me I shouldn't still have feelings for him and I know I can find better. Like I've said time and time again though I know when he says stuff like that I know he's kidding... and I know how sweet he can really be. That should be an excuse though, I know. People do change and we're young.

Conversation from last night.
Him: "Supp"
Me: "Watching Aqua Teen, supwitchew?"
Him: "Me too!"
Me: "Oh! Sweet!"
Him: "Yeeyee. How are youuu?"
Me: "I'm alriiiight, kinda really cold. How are youuu?"
Him: "Good. I'm cuddlin' with David."
Me: "Ohh thas kewwwt. haha. Is he a good cuddler?" (I wanted to say something clever like I normally do but my mind was dsfkghzds last night)
-No Reply-

So I wake up today and check my phone like I normally do in the morning, pathetically hoping I'll actually get a text in the morning from him like I used to, but always nothing. I lay in bed and don't ask me why or how but I start thinking of random things he said when we were dating and I start to cry. I go on myspace to upload a few pictures and get right off because usually when I go on myspace I find something to upset me so I barley ever ever go on there. I see Victoria (The girl I have suspicions that he's got a thing for now) posted a bulletin so I open it and it's one of those myspace surveys. Last time I read one of her surveys Cris was an answer for the last person she saw or something like that and it upset me, but I read this new survey and there is nothing really mentioning him. I look at all the questions it asked about crushes and people you last kiss and no straight answers. Just yes's, no's, and you tell me's.

Ugh, typing all this out makes me feel phsyco.

I swear I'm just trying to get a straight answer. I call up my friend David about a week ago to ask him if he is into someone else and he would just kind of beat around the bush and but dumb and say "He likes me" so I get really frustrated and just told him please, I would really like to know. If I knew for sure and it was confirmed to me that he was into someone else I wouldn't hold on to him like I am now. So David tells me "It's not my place to say." So shit. After he say's that I know deep down that that is a yes. David tells me to ask him straight out if he does or not. I know Cris better than David though... I know he won't give me what i want to hear and he'll just get angry and feel like he's being attacked when he's not because he doesn't like confrontation of any kind. I go for it anyway...

Me: "Hey, Can I ask you something honestly without you getting angry or anything?"
Him: "I guess?"
Me: "It's kind of hard for me to say, so I'm just going out on a whim here. I'll probably regret it, but here it goes... Well you know I still love you more than anything and that I miss you. But I get the feeling that your feelings for me relationship wise are fading. Is that true and am I just dumb for waiting for you?"
Him: "Idk. I don't wanna be with anyone. Like, idk how else I can explain it. Like you're trippen over me kickin it with people and shit. Bahhhhh."
Me: Noo, I really don't mind you kickin it and whatnot with people. I never get mad. I'm not trying to get you angry or frustrated, I'm just confused is all. =/ because I care about you way too much and you say all these sweet things to me still calling me cutieface and like yesterday when you said "suppbby" just little things like that make me smile. I just don't want to have mixed messages you know? I'd rather know that you don't have feelings for me like that anymore (not saying you don't) then you not say anything to me and then down the line get my heard broken a lot more. =/ Just trying to protect myself is all."
Him: "You make me want to kill people in my brain."
Me: "Sorry. And I get that you don't want to be with anyone. Sorry I got you frustrated."
Him: "It's cool. how are you?"
Me: "I'm okay. Getting ready to walk to Kaiser. How are you?"
Him: "Walk to Kaiser?! Damn! Imm alright. I'm smoking a bowl."
-conversation continues from there and is normal. How we normally talk to each other-

I swear... it's like he's bipolar.

and then the next day he texts me with "Supp really goodlooking girl I've know for super long?"
Then a few days after that he texts me while he's on the toilet and I say "hahaha, was I your poop text?" and he says "Noo you were my 'I wonder what my lovely Adrienne is doing?!'" ... wonderful.. things like this that he says to me just confuse me to no end!

Then on tuesday I saw the Michael Jackson movie at 11:30PM with a few friends and he texted me for two hour before I want to the movies and all through the movie till around 1:30AM. The whole time! And I never text through movies but for him I will.. bah! I can't get him off my mind and to do that I'd probably have to cut off contact all together with him and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. He won't give me a straight answer if he likes anyone else so as far as I'm concerned he still cares about me like he told me and his friends a month ago. Things can change in a month though...

Oh.. and I went to the pumpkin patch with a friend on wednesday (a few days after my ex went with his friends) and out of all the pumpkins in the pumpkin patch I pick up this one...



It's his hand writing and he always carries a sharpie around with him. This was the picture I was referring to in conversation one.

Basically all i want to say is get off my mind because it's painful to think about you.