What do you do when you know what the right thing to do for you and your health is, but your heart keeps pulling you in the opposite direction? I know I should move on. I know that he's changed and that he may never go back to the boy I once knew, but I keep holding on to past memories and all the good times, and the other half of me has all the hope in the world that this is all just a phase and that he'll come around.
It's funny how four years ago I told this boy, my best friend, that I would never date him because it would completely ruin us. I guess things can change. Four months into the relationship I felt me falling for him and I was scared to death. I just went through a bad break up six months prior, I sure as hell did not want to be heartbroken again. I put up walls with this boy. I remember thinking of ending things with him that early just so he couldn't hurt me, but I stayed. I remember crying to a friend over the phone that I was scared, because I got to the point that if we broke up then I would actually care and be hurt over it. I got to the point where I fell in love. I must say that we were perfect for each other and everyone knew. Funny how he would always say that I would be the one to have to break up with him because he never would, that he just loved me too much. Ironic how I was the one who didn't want get hurt and didn't want to date him in the first place... then for him to just leave so easily like he did. To leave me confused and heartbroken.
I wish so badly for things to go back to the way they were four months ago. I guess everything happens for a reason though and this experience will make me stronger and to help me learn.
He's hurt me over and over throughout the past four months. I remember calling him one night while I had a meltdown. I needed someone to talk to, I needed someone to come be with me, I felt alone, I needed a friend. He got mad at me because I was crying and because he was at a friend's and he had to go outside to talk to me and just complained that he was cold. That's not good boyfriend material. That's not even good friend material. He stopped calling me at night. He wouldn't even text me goodnight anymore because he would get too drunk. He would have enough gas to drive to the beach and three towns over to party, but didn't have the gas to drive across town to see me. I would text him cute/sweet things just to make him smile and I wouldn't get anything in return anymore. I would just get an "Ihy" (I hate you) or a total subject change. I remember one day I texted him saying "When I'm with you I feel so happy, you make me smile so much." and I got "Okay. I'm at work." in return. Is a smiley face too much to ask for?
After awhile he stopped saying I love you. I always had to be the first to say it. And when I told him that I missed him, I never once got an I miss you back, ever. I told him I felt under-appreciated and he got mad and said "Sometimes I feel like you're just trying to be difficult."... really? He joked around about boning other girls and talked about how cute other girls were to his friends in font of me. He started being really rude to me and started saying harsh things. The thing that really gets me, is that one night I called him around 3AM because he didn't talk to me all day and I was worried. He answered the the phone in a voice that was mixed from being tired and drunk. I asked him what he was doing and he told me "I'm laying down about to go to sleep." I then asked where he was and he said "I'm at Emily's but there are hella people here so don't trip." If it was me in that situation he would have flipped out. I couldn't say shit to him because he would have gotten mad at me, for being pissed at him. Am I not supposed to be upset if you didn't text me all day, got drunk, and then decided to spend the night at some girl's house that I don't even know?
Four days ago he came to spend the night. I even dressed up for him. I made sure my hair and make up was perfect, I wore a short skin tight black dress, I shaved my legs and everything, I even shaved me butt crack for christ sake! He came in the door, looked at me for about two seconds then went to go sit on my computer. He didn't even want to kiss me. I shrugged it off and then started hugging on him and kissing him to get him in a better mood. He stopped and told me that he feels like a jerk. I asked him why and he said "Because I go out every night and have hella fun and I don't make time for you." I just said okay, because...w ell I'm not going to deny it. A little after that he started tickling me and I was having a good time, but he then asked "Why isn't your butt ticklish anymore?" and maybe this was the wrong thing to say but I replied with "I don't know, maybe because you've been tickling it for like a half an hour." I guess that put him in a bad mood and he just stopped all together rolled over and went to sleep. I asked why he just stopped like that and he said "I'm just not feeling it."
I decided that I should tell him how I have been feeling for months now. I told him that I honestly was not happy anymore and that I haven't been happy for a long time. I did not appreciate the way he was treating me and that it sucks being put on the back burner to his partying. I told him that I didn't mind him going out and having fun, but every night is a little ridiculous especially when you put no effort into making time for your girlfriend. He asked me what I wanted to do about it, so I told him if it was up to me then I would continue to do what we were doing and hope that he would come around, so I left the decision up to him. It took him three hours to come to a decision. He suggested that we be friends and see if that makes us happier, because he wants to be able to go out and have fun and not have the responsibilities of having a girlfriend. He wants to go out and not have to worry. He said that it's hard though because he still loves me and thinks that I am an amazing girlfriend and that he'll probably end up regretting it (which he will), he just doesn't want to stay with me and keep hurting me if he knows that he wont make time for me.
I told him that he can't promise me that he'll get all the partying out of his system and I can't promise him that I won't find anyone else in the process of him trying to do that. He told me if someone better comes along, then he doesn't blame me for wanting to be with them and that he'd just have to accept it.
We both don't want each other to move on. I just have a hard time because he is the one getting drunk every night. I fear one night he will get totally smashed and hook up with some girl and I'm going to be crushed. If he does do that though, I couldn't say shit about it, because he's single and he's allowed to do whatever he wants.
The past few days of being just friends has surprisingly been fantastic. We've talked everyday and he's been really sweet. He also flirts with me and says the nicest things, but last night it kind of went downhill again. I sent him a text that I was good because I was talking to him and another telling him sweet dreams and I got a subject change both times. I have very mixed feelings about this whole situation. Part of me knows that I should move on because he's turned into someone that I'm not so fond of, and he chose partying over me. The other half is keeping me here because of the sweet things he does say every once in awhile and I'm holding on to all the good memories.
Oh the joys of love and loss.
It's funny how four years ago I told this boy, my best friend, that I would never date him because it would completely ruin us. I guess things can change. Four months into the relationship I felt me falling for him and I was scared to death. I just went through a bad break up six months prior, I sure as hell did not want to be heartbroken again. I put up walls with this boy. I remember thinking of ending things with him that early just so he couldn't hurt me, but I stayed. I remember crying to a friend over the phone that I was scared, because I got to the point that if we broke up then I would actually care and be hurt over it. I got to the point where I fell in love. I must say that we were perfect for each other and everyone knew. Funny how he would always say that I would be the one to have to break up with him because he never would, that he just loved me too much. Ironic how I was the one who didn't want get hurt and didn't want to date him in the first place... then for him to just leave so easily like he did. To leave me confused and heartbroken.
I wish so badly for things to go back to the way they were four months ago. I guess everything happens for a reason though and this experience will make me stronger and to help me learn.
He's hurt me over and over throughout the past four months. I remember calling him one night while I had a meltdown. I needed someone to talk to, I needed someone to come be with me, I felt alone, I needed a friend. He got mad at me because I was crying and because he was at a friend's and he had to go outside to talk to me and just complained that he was cold. That's not good boyfriend material. That's not even good friend material. He stopped calling me at night. He wouldn't even text me goodnight anymore because he would get too drunk. He would have enough gas to drive to the beach and three towns over to party, but didn't have the gas to drive across town to see me. I would text him cute/sweet things just to make him smile and I wouldn't get anything in return anymore. I would just get an "Ihy" (I hate you) or a total subject change. I remember one day I texted him saying "When I'm with you I feel so happy, you make me smile so much." and I got "Okay. I'm at work." in return. Is a smiley face too much to ask for?
After awhile he stopped saying I love you. I always had to be the first to say it. And when I told him that I missed him, I never once got an I miss you back, ever. I told him I felt under-appreciated and he got mad and said "Sometimes I feel like you're just trying to be difficult."... really? He joked around about boning other girls and talked about how cute other girls were to his friends in font of me. He started being really rude to me and started saying harsh things. The thing that really gets me, is that one night I called him around 3AM because he didn't talk to me all day and I was worried. He answered the the phone in a voice that was mixed from being tired and drunk. I asked him what he was doing and he told me "I'm laying down about to go to sleep." I then asked where he was and he said "I'm at Emily's but there are hella people here so don't trip." If it was me in that situation he would have flipped out. I couldn't say shit to him because he would have gotten mad at me, for being pissed at him. Am I not supposed to be upset if you didn't text me all day, got drunk, and then decided to spend the night at some girl's house that I don't even know?
Four days ago he came to spend the night. I even dressed up for him. I made sure my hair and make up was perfect, I wore a short skin tight black dress, I shaved my legs and everything, I even shaved me butt crack for christ sake! He came in the door, looked at me for about two seconds then went to go sit on my computer. He didn't even want to kiss me. I shrugged it off and then started hugging on him and kissing him to get him in a better mood. He stopped and told me that he feels like a jerk. I asked him why and he said "Because I go out every night and have hella fun and I don't make time for you." I just said okay, because...w ell I'm not going to deny it. A little after that he started tickling me and I was having a good time, but he then asked "Why isn't your butt ticklish anymore?" and maybe this was the wrong thing to say but I replied with "I don't know, maybe because you've been tickling it for like a half an hour." I guess that put him in a bad mood and he just stopped all together rolled over and went to sleep. I asked why he just stopped like that and he said "I'm just not feeling it."
I decided that I should tell him how I have been feeling for months now. I told him that I honestly was not happy anymore and that I haven't been happy for a long time. I did not appreciate the way he was treating me and that it sucks being put on the back burner to his partying. I told him that I didn't mind him going out and having fun, but every night is a little ridiculous especially when you put no effort into making time for your girlfriend. He asked me what I wanted to do about it, so I told him if it was up to me then I would continue to do what we were doing and hope that he would come around, so I left the decision up to him. It took him three hours to come to a decision. He suggested that we be friends and see if that makes us happier, because he wants to be able to go out and have fun and not have the responsibilities of having a girlfriend. He wants to go out and not have to worry. He said that it's hard though because he still loves me and thinks that I am an amazing girlfriend and that he'll probably end up regretting it (which he will), he just doesn't want to stay with me and keep hurting me if he knows that he wont make time for me.
I told him that he can't promise me that he'll get all the partying out of his system and I can't promise him that I won't find anyone else in the process of him trying to do that. He told me if someone better comes along, then he doesn't blame me for wanting to be with them and that he'd just have to accept it.
We both don't want each other to move on. I just have a hard time because he is the one getting drunk every night. I fear one night he will get totally smashed and hook up with some girl and I'm going to be crushed. If he does do that though, I couldn't say shit about it, because he's single and he's allowed to do whatever he wants.
The past few days of being just friends has surprisingly been fantastic. We've talked everyday and he's been really sweet. He also flirts with me and says the nicest things, but last night it kind of went downhill again. I sent him a text that I was good because I was talking to him and another telling him sweet dreams and I got a subject change both times. I have very mixed feelings about this whole situation. Part of me knows that I should move on because he's turned into someone that I'm not so fond of, and he chose partying over me. The other half is keeping me here because of the sweet things he does say every once in awhile and I'm holding on to all the good memories.
Oh the joys of love and loss.
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I'm probably going to be addicted to Pumpkin Spice by the end of the week. Gah. (It doesn't help that I work there)