(Continued from the previous Journal entry...)
Perhaps I have gone into far too much boring detail (that is pretty much certain) but I thought each of these experiences captured the spirit of the different flavours of open relationships that I am familiar with and the terminology as I know it (everyone learns different variations).
1. Non-monogamous or open relationships: This is where someone will be open to dating/seeing/sleeping with many different people, generally one at a time and relatively separate from each other. It is best (as always) when everyone is emotionally clear on the situation, but the people invloved don't always discuss the particulars. If the person does not have a particularly primary relationship then I would say this is more like just "casual dating" or "playing the field" or whatever cliche term you want to use.
2. "The Lifestyle" (or Swinging): This flavour is focussed very strongly on the couple unit (a "Playcouple"), who are invariably a man and a woman, often older and typically have been married for a long time. They go to parties or entertain other individual couples or individual women in their homes. They may indulge in sex with other couples or women together or individually, but they always tend to go home at night with their primary partner. Although I had a fairly fun experience at the party, there are a few closed-minded and exclusive aspects of "The Lifestyle" that I find a little distasteful:
- Bisexuality between women is common and highly encouraged, but any kind of invitation or contact between men is strictly not tolerated (I have heard it called "bearing"). This seems judgemental and exclusive to me.
- The crowd is primarily older and not necessarily as welcoming or inviting for younger people. This is in part because of the focus on long-term married or committed couples and to avoid the assumingly waiting glut of sight-seeing, gawking single males, but still it can seem somewhat exclusive.
3. "Poly" (aka Polyamory): This is probably one of the more fun flavours in my perception. It is actually quite inclusive. It can refer to an individual or couple (or more) who are open to having (not necessarily currently having
) more than one relationship at a time. In my experience with those I know that are involved it is generally far more inclusive for anyone of any gender of bi or monosexual (hetero or homosexual). Individual's preferences are always highly...well...individual, but the "poly community" (whatever that is) is much more inclusive than "swingers" as I know them. Also I have found in my experience with the local seattle Goth-Poly community that there is a lot of suggestive playfulness, fun games with cloven fruits and kissing, naked hot tubbing and generally open, inclusive and more group oriented playfulness (though not necessarily group sex). I have seen (and been involved in) guys kissin' guys, girls kissin' girls and even girls kissin' guys. I tend to describe this as a relaxed, at-ease, open kind of sexuality.
3b Polyamorous relationships: There is another use of the term I have heard wich refers more specifically to stable, commited relationships involving more than two people (triads, etc.). I prefer the more inclusive use of the term, though.
I would probably self identify as "poly", although I am mostly having separate relationships with individuals while my sweet lady love has moved across the country to go to school, with only the occasional more frolic-filled "poly" evening. We agreed before she left that we would "let our love for each other inspire love for others, not restrict it. the words we whisper to each other do not bind." (sometimes her loving words make me tingle, and trust me those are not nearly the best of them). Also while she was in town we were openly playful with others and frequently were nearly seduced by other people or couples (although never quite completely seduced). I'll admit that, although we e-mail and phone often, we have had limited communication on this topic since she has been gone, but that hasn't been long. I find it less than ideal to bring up deep emotional or sensitive subjects too much when you cannot see each other's faces, touch each other or hear the nuances of voice clearly. Luckily she is visiting very soon and we will chat about it in more detail. I trust in our friendship and our love and I know we respect each other enough to do what is needed to make the other comfortable and secure.
When I finished writing all this huge spiel I decided to go look around for some of the interesting resources that I knew were out there. Here's what I found right away.
The best FAQ of all of them IMHO is the FAQ for Alt.Polyamory
Here in Seattle there is the Wetspot SPCC (Sex Positive Community Center) which I have for some reason never been to yet.
Stuff specific to "swingers" (these sites look a little cheesy and have ads):
- Homepage for the Lifestyles Organization for PlayCouples (LSO),
- The "Ten Commandments of Swinging"
- A FAQ on Swinging (there are other links on the honey rivers main site)
For some kind-of amusing to read tips for "playing the field" we have this guide which has some good advice about being confident and outgoing in among some somewhat disturbing stuff that seems like aggressively acquiring and consuming people like commodities: The Fast Seduction 101 guide from alt.seduction.fast
Well... what a wonderful way to have spent my afternoon at work... I wonder if there was work I was supposed to be doing...?
Perhaps I have gone into far too much boring detail (that is pretty much certain) but I thought each of these experiences captured the spirit of the different flavours of open relationships that I am familiar with and the terminology as I know it (everyone learns different variations).
1. Non-monogamous or open relationships: This is where someone will be open to dating/seeing/sleeping with many different people, generally one at a time and relatively separate from each other. It is best (as always) when everyone is emotionally clear on the situation, but the people invloved don't always discuss the particulars. If the person does not have a particularly primary relationship then I would say this is more like just "casual dating" or "playing the field" or whatever cliche term you want to use.
2. "The Lifestyle" (or Swinging): This flavour is focussed very strongly on the couple unit (a "Playcouple"), who are invariably a man and a woman, often older and typically have been married for a long time. They go to parties or entertain other individual couples or individual women in their homes. They may indulge in sex with other couples or women together or individually, but they always tend to go home at night with their primary partner. Although I had a fairly fun experience at the party, there are a few closed-minded and exclusive aspects of "The Lifestyle" that I find a little distasteful:
- Bisexuality between women is common and highly encouraged, but any kind of invitation or contact between men is strictly not tolerated (I have heard it called "bearing"). This seems judgemental and exclusive to me.
- The crowd is primarily older and not necessarily as welcoming or inviting for younger people. This is in part because of the focus on long-term married or committed couples and to avoid the assumingly waiting glut of sight-seeing, gawking single males, but still it can seem somewhat exclusive.
3. "Poly" (aka Polyamory): This is probably one of the more fun flavours in my perception. It is actually quite inclusive. It can refer to an individual or couple (or more) who are open to having (not necessarily currently having
) more than one relationship at a time. In my experience with those I know that are involved it is generally far more inclusive for anyone of any gender of bi or monosexual (hetero or homosexual). Individual's preferences are always highly...well...individual, but the "poly community" (whatever that is) is much more inclusive than "swingers" as I know them. Also I have found in my experience with the local seattle Goth-Poly community that there is a lot of suggestive playfulness, fun games with cloven fruits and kissing, naked hot tubbing and generally open, inclusive and more group oriented playfulness (though not necessarily group sex). I have seen (and been involved in) guys kissin' guys, girls kissin' girls and even girls kissin' guys. I tend to describe this as a relaxed, at-ease, open kind of sexuality.
3b Polyamorous relationships: There is another use of the term I have heard wich refers more specifically to stable, commited relationships involving more than two people (triads, etc.). I prefer the more inclusive use of the term, though.
I would probably self identify as "poly", although I am mostly having separate relationships with individuals while my sweet lady love has moved across the country to go to school, with only the occasional more frolic-filled "poly" evening. We agreed before she left that we would "let our love for each other inspire love for others, not restrict it. the words we whisper to each other do not bind." (sometimes her loving words make me tingle, and trust me those are not nearly the best of them). Also while she was in town we were openly playful with others and frequently were nearly seduced by other people or couples (although never quite completely seduced). I'll admit that, although we e-mail and phone often, we have had limited communication on this topic since she has been gone, but that hasn't been long. I find it less than ideal to bring up deep emotional or sensitive subjects too much when you cannot see each other's faces, touch each other or hear the nuances of voice clearly. Luckily she is visiting very soon and we will chat about it in more detail. I trust in our friendship and our love and I know we respect each other enough to do what is needed to make the other comfortable and secure.
When I finished writing all this huge spiel I decided to go look around for some of the interesting resources that I knew were out there. Here's what I found right away.
The best FAQ of all of them IMHO is the FAQ for Alt.Polyamory
Here in Seattle there is the Wetspot SPCC (Sex Positive Community Center) which I have for some reason never been to yet.
Stuff specific to "swingers" (these sites look a little cheesy and have ads):
- Homepage for the Lifestyles Organization for PlayCouples (LSO),
- The "Ten Commandments of Swinging"
- A FAQ on Swinging (there are other links on the honey rivers main site)
For some kind-of amusing to read tips for "playing the field" we have this guide which has some good advice about being confident and outgoing in among some somewhat disturbing stuff that seems like aggressively acquiring and consuming people like commodities: The Fast Seduction 101 guide from alt.seduction.fast
Well... what a wonderful way to have spent my afternoon at work... I wonder if there was work I was supposed to be doing...?