New Years Resolutions
With New Years right around the corner, it's time that everyone started thinking about their New Years resolutions. What will everyone do to make next year better than last year?
I know the classics are usually things like, eat better, lose weight, not spend so much money, or all in all, be a better person. But let's get realistic. If any of these things were really important to you, you wouldn't have waited until New Years to get started. So I have a few suggestions for resolutions that will make 2013 better.
Enough with the Fucking Hashtags!
They are stupid, meaningless and take up way too much time in people's lives. Hashtags are basically a form of non-verbal Tourette's. Imagine if you were having lunch with a friend, and you ask them what they were going to order. And they answered,
"I think I'm going to have the steak
HASHTAG NO ONIONS......
HASHTAG MEDIUM WELL....
HASHTAG A1 SAUCE!!!!"
You would think they were a fucking lunatic. Well that's what I hear in my head everytime I see this crap posted on Twitter. And if you're not on Twitter, Hashtags are just pointless. So stop doing Hashtags on Facebook, you look the guy wearing black socks with sandals.
YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!!!
And speaking of Facebook and Twitter
Stop posting every mundane detail of your day. No one gives a shit that you just had the greatest gluten free pancakes on the planet. No one cares that you are going to unwind with an episode of Gossip Girls.
Nothing informs your friends and family of how boring you really are, faster than you posting 13 times a day and not having one interesting thing to say throughout the course of your day.
And if you can actually post interesting things, stop abbreviating shit.
It's getting stupid. I swear, everytime I see fml, hmu, smh...... I want to kyn (kill you now)
You are not THAT busy that you can't take 4 extra seconds to spell out all that bullshit.
And if it were just online or in text, I might be able to deal with it. But people are actually talking in text now. I'm pretty sure that I don't need to tell you......that irritates the shit out of me.
Do you realize that it takes just as long to actually say "Oh My God" as it does to say "OMG". They are both 3 syllable expressions. So why the hell not just say what you mean?
And for God's sake, stop referring to your parents as "the Rents". It sounds fucking retarded. A "Parent" is someone that conceived you and/or raised you. A "Rent" is something you pay SO YOU DON'T GET KICKED OUT OF YOUR FUCKING HOME!!! Don't be such an impatient prick.
And last, but certainly, not least. Stop watching all of this bullshit reality show crap. Ok, maybe that is too harsh. Stop talking about it. Things would be so much better if people treated Reality television like we treat porn. I know almost everyone watches it, but very few people will talk about it in public.
Do you know how much I hate that I know who Honey Boo Boo is? I can't stand the fact that there is more than one tv show about pawning crap, storing crap, repo-ing crap, hoarding crap.
And when the hell did being a housewife become so fucking fascinating? Are housewives actually watching this crap and feeling like their lives are really being represented? Sweetheart, no one is watching the Housewives of Beverly Hills, and getting jealous of your life as a housewife in Lancing, Michigan. Im just saying.
How many shows do we need about hunting for ghosts? And FYI, none of them have ever actually proven a damn thing.
How many shows do we need about women getting bitchy while preparing for their wedding?
And why in the blue hell are there so many shows about singing contests? American Idol, X Factor, the Voice....And don't act Like America's Got Talent isn't a cleverly disguised singing contest. When was the last time the guy juggling flaming chain saws won that show?
I fail to understand why we all hated watching those horrible talent shows that we were subjected to in junior high and high school....but now we can't wait to get home and watch those exact same talent shows on tv? I guess if Pepsi had sponsored the high school shows, that might have changed everything.
My point is that I don't care if you watch them, I just don't want to hear you talking about them. Reality shows have dumbed us down, and if we want to make a positive change in 2013, we need to knock this shit off right now. The greatest thing about 2012 was the death of Jersey Shore (and Twilight. But I'll save that for a different rant)
So, to recap. Excellent Resolutions for 2013:
No more Hashtags. Only you can stop non-verbal Tourette's.
Stop advertising that you're boring. Not everything that happens during your day is golden and worthy of posting for the whole world to see.
Stop abbreviating things. Saving time isn't a bad thing, unless it's done at the expense of intelligent speech and thought
And finally
No more reality television. It isn't real. Im tired of people fucking with me because I still watching pro wrestling, and then talking about what a great episode of the Bachelor was on this week. You do see the irony in that, right? It isn't just me?
Lets start here, folks. I promise that if you follow these simple suggestions, your 2013 will be fantastic. But if you don't believe me, just try it for a few months and if you don't like it, you can quit. That's what you were going to do with your regular resolutions anyway.
With New Years right around the corner, it's time that everyone started thinking about their New Years resolutions. What will everyone do to make next year better than last year?
I know the classics are usually things like, eat better, lose weight, not spend so much money, or all in all, be a better person. But let's get realistic. If any of these things were really important to you, you wouldn't have waited until New Years to get started. So I have a few suggestions for resolutions that will make 2013 better.
Enough with the Fucking Hashtags!
They are stupid, meaningless and take up way too much time in people's lives. Hashtags are basically a form of non-verbal Tourette's. Imagine if you were having lunch with a friend, and you ask them what they were going to order. And they answered,
"I think I'm going to have the steak
HASHTAG NO ONIONS......
HASHTAG MEDIUM WELL....
HASHTAG A1 SAUCE!!!!"
You would think they were a fucking lunatic. Well that's what I hear in my head everytime I see this crap posted on Twitter. And if you're not on Twitter, Hashtags are just pointless. So stop doing Hashtags on Facebook, you look the guy wearing black socks with sandals.
YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!!!
And speaking of Facebook and Twitter
Stop posting every mundane detail of your day. No one gives a shit that you just had the greatest gluten free pancakes on the planet. No one cares that you are going to unwind with an episode of Gossip Girls.
Nothing informs your friends and family of how boring you really are, faster than you posting 13 times a day and not having one interesting thing to say throughout the course of your day.
And if you can actually post interesting things, stop abbreviating shit.
It's getting stupid. I swear, everytime I see fml, hmu, smh...... I want to kyn (kill you now)
You are not THAT busy that you can't take 4 extra seconds to spell out all that bullshit.
And if it were just online or in text, I might be able to deal with it. But people are actually talking in text now. I'm pretty sure that I don't need to tell you......that irritates the shit out of me.
Do you realize that it takes just as long to actually say "Oh My God" as it does to say "OMG". They are both 3 syllable expressions. So why the hell not just say what you mean?
And for God's sake, stop referring to your parents as "the Rents". It sounds fucking retarded. A "Parent" is someone that conceived you and/or raised you. A "Rent" is something you pay SO YOU DON'T GET KICKED OUT OF YOUR FUCKING HOME!!! Don't be such an impatient prick.
And last, but certainly, not least. Stop watching all of this bullshit reality show crap. Ok, maybe that is too harsh. Stop talking about it. Things would be so much better if people treated Reality television like we treat porn. I know almost everyone watches it, but very few people will talk about it in public.
Do you know how much I hate that I know who Honey Boo Boo is? I can't stand the fact that there is more than one tv show about pawning crap, storing crap, repo-ing crap, hoarding crap.
And when the hell did being a housewife become so fucking fascinating? Are housewives actually watching this crap and feeling like their lives are really being represented? Sweetheart, no one is watching the Housewives of Beverly Hills, and getting jealous of your life as a housewife in Lancing, Michigan. Im just saying.
How many shows do we need about hunting for ghosts? And FYI, none of them have ever actually proven a damn thing.
How many shows do we need about women getting bitchy while preparing for their wedding?
And why in the blue hell are there so many shows about singing contests? American Idol, X Factor, the Voice....And don't act Like America's Got Talent isn't a cleverly disguised singing contest. When was the last time the guy juggling flaming chain saws won that show?
I fail to understand why we all hated watching those horrible talent shows that we were subjected to in junior high and high school....but now we can't wait to get home and watch those exact same talent shows on tv? I guess if Pepsi had sponsored the high school shows, that might have changed everything.
My point is that I don't care if you watch them, I just don't want to hear you talking about them. Reality shows have dumbed us down, and if we want to make a positive change in 2013, we need to knock this shit off right now. The greatest thing about 2012 was the death of Jersey Shore (and Twilight. But I'll save that for a different rant)
So, to recap. Excellent Resolutions for 2013:
No more Hashtags. Only you can stop non-verbal Tourette's.
Stop advertising that you're boring. Not everything that happens during your day is golden and worthy of posting for the whole world to see.
Stop abbreviating things. Saving time isn't a bad thing, unless it's done at the expense of intelligent speech and thought
And finally
No more reality television. It isn't real. Im tired of people fucking with me because I still watching pro wrestling, and then talking about what a great episode of the Bachelor was on this week. You do see the irony in that, right? It isn't just me?
Lets start here, folks. I promise that if you follow these simple suggestions, your 2013 will be fantastic. But if you don't believe me, just try it for a few months and if you don't like it, you can quit. That's what you were going to do with your regular resolutions anyway.