Things I DON'T miss about my 20's
My grilfriend, Sarah, is planning her birthday party and she wants to do a '96 themed party. So that got me thinking about where I was in, and around, '96, and it really got me thinking about my 20's. There is a lot of shit that I really don't miss.
I dont miss girls who brag about the ability to tie a cherry stem with their tongue. Was that supposed to be sexy? Being able to tie a cherry stem with your tongue is only slightly more sexy than the ability to burp the alphabet. And every girl who brags about it needs to be punched in the face.
I dont miss pretending that I liked dancing in night clubs. I fucking hate dancing. And any guy who "loves" dancing is probably gay. I only pretended to like it because I was in a night club trying to get laid. Guess what? Never happened either. I got to second base on many occasions. I even got to third on more than a few occasions. But never got laid. Ive hooked up with more women that I met in traffic school, than I ever did in bars.
I dont miss my guy friends who always wanted to go to the bars to pick up chicks....BECAUSE IT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED!!! I used to have a lot of guy friends who always talked about going to bars and picking up chicks, but they always ended up standing in a group with each other, acting like dip shits, and most of the time repelling any and all women. And the night usually ended up in a Taco Bell parking lot, eating shitty food and listening to these fuck tards talk about all the chicks that they were so close to scoring with. Now I go to bars to get drunk, and Im never dissapointed.
I dont miss women who have "figured out" all men. I swear, if I had a bullet for everytime I heard a woman say, "All men are dogs". Stop telling me that all men think about is sex. REALLY GIDGET? FIGURED THAT ONE OUT ALL BY YOURSELF, DID YOU? Saying that "All men want is sex" is about as profound as saying that "All Water is Wet". Shut up! Youre 24 years old, you dont know shit about shit. And I didnt hear you complaining when you were busy NOT paying for your own drinks. Go fuck yourself.
I really dont miss High Fives. It is impossible for two guys, in their 30's, to high five and not look like complete assholes. When have you ever seen two guys High Five over something that wasnt retarded?
"Hey, I just made a really douchy joke...HIGH FIVE!!!"
"Hey, that sports team that we have absolutely no affiliation with just won a game....HIGH FIVE!!!"
"Hey, Im going to sexually harrass this Hooters waitress so my dudes dont know Im gay....HIGH FIVE!!!!"
I dont miss thinking Cologne will get me laid. Hey guys, have you ever gotten laid because of the cologne you were wearing? FUCK NO, YOU HAVENT!!! Because if you had, that would be the only cologne in existence. Now dont get me wrong, smelling good doesnt hurt your chances. But that can be accomplished by showering and throwing on a decent after shave. My $10 after shave has gotten me laid as much as your $90 bottle of AmberCrobie and Fitch cologne. (legally anyway)
I dont miss Grunge music in the least. As a good friend of mine once pointed out,"Who were the biggest Grunge bands ever? Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains and Soundgarden. Four different bands who sound nothing alike. So then explain to me what the fuck Grunge music was?" Im glad Grunge died with Cobain.
I dont miss that guy at work who would never shut the fuck up about all the chick that he has banged. A quick hint, the more a guy talks about all the women who has hooked up with, the lower that number is in real life. You dont hear Micheal Jordan or Wayne Gretsky talking about all the games they won, do you? No you dont, because they did it on such a regular basis that it wasnt a big deal anymore. Trust me, when a guy is making a big deal about all the tail he has gotten, he is bullshitting you and trying to pad his stats.
And Finally
I seriously dont miss all the women who had their entire life planned out, half way through our first date. "I want to be married by the time Im 25. Have my first child by 26. Wait a few years and have my second child by 29. My best friend and I are going to live right next door to each other. Our kids are going to go to school together, and probably end up dating and eventually married." I know more than a few women who had a plan similar to this. Most of them tried to make it work. But for some reason they forgot to plan out "DIVORCED BY 31"
My grilfriend, Sarah, is planning her birthday party and she wants to do a '96 themed party. So that got me thinking about where I was in, and around, '96, and it really got me thinking about my 20's. There is a lot of shit that I really don't miss.
I dont miss girls who brag about the ability to tie a cherry stem with their tongue. Was that supposed to be sexy? Being able to tie a cherry stem with your tongue is only slightly more sexy than the ability to burp the alphabet. And every girl who brags about it needs to be punched in the face.
I dont miss pretending that I liked dancing in night clubs. I fucking hate dancing. And any guy who "loves" dancing is probably gay. I only pretended to like it because I was in a night club trying to get laid. Guess what? Never happened either. I got to second base on many occasions. I even got to third on more than a few occasions. But never got laid. Ive hooked up with more women that I met in traffic school, than I ever did in bars.
I dont miss my guy friends who always wanted to go to the bars to pick up chicks....BECAUSE IT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED!!! I used to have a lot of guy friends who always talked about going to bars and picking up chicks, but they always ended up standing in a group with each other, acting like dip shits, and most of the time repelling any and all women. And the night usually ended up in a Taco Bell parking lot, eating shitty food and listening to these fuck tards talk about all the chicks that they were so close to scoring with. Now I go to bars to get drunk, and Im never dissapointed.
I dont miss women who have "figured out" all men. I swear, if I had a bullet for everytime I heard a woman say, "All men are dogs". Stop telling me that all men think about is sex. REALLY GIDGET? FIGURED THAT ONE OUT ALL BY YOURSELF, DID YOU? Saying that "All men want is sex" is about as profound as saying that "All Water is Wet". Shut up! Youre 24 years old, you dont know shit about shit. And I didnt hear you complaining when you were busy NOT paying for your own drinks. Go fuck yourself.
I really dont miss High Fives. It is impossible for two guys, in their 30's, to high five and not look like complete assholes. When have you ever seen two guys High Five over something that wasnt retarded?
"Hey, I just made a really douchy joke...HIGH FIVE!!!"
"Hey, that sports team that we have absolutely no affiliation with just won a game....HIGH FIVE!!!"
"Hey, Im going to sexually harrass this Hooters waitress so my dudes dont know Im gay....HIGH FIVE!!!!"
I dont miss thinking Cologne will get me laid. Hey guys, have you ever gotten laid because of the cologne you were wearing? FUCK NO, YOU HAVENT!!! Because if you had, that would be the only cologne in existence. Now dont get me wrong, smelling good doesnt hurt your chances. But that can be accomplished by showering and throwing on a decent after shave. My $10 after shave has gotten me laid as much as your $90 bottle of AmberCrobie and Fitch cologne. (legally anyway)
I dont miss Grunge music in the least. As a good friend of mine once pointed out,"Who were the biggest Grunge bands ever? Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains and Soundgarden. Four different bands who sound nothing alike. So then explain to me what the fuck Grunge music was?" Im glad Grunge died with Cobain.
I dont miss that guy at work who would never shut the fuck up about all the chick that he has banged. A quick hint, the more a guy talks about all the women who has hooked up with, the lower that number is in real life. You dont hear Micheal Jordan or Wayne Gretsky talking about all the games they won, do you? No you dont, because they did it on such a regular basis that it wasnt a big deal anymore. Trust me, when a guy is making a big deal about all the tail he has gotten, he is bullshitting you and trying to pad his stats.
And Finally
I seriously dont miss all the women who had their entire life planned out, half way through our first date. "I want to be married by the time Im 25. Have my first child by 26. Wait a few years and have my second child by 29. My best friend and I are going to live right next door to each other. Our kids are going to go to school together, and probably end up dating and eventually married." I know more than a few women who had a plan similar to this. Most of them tried to make it work. But for some reason they forgot to plan out "DIVORCED BY 31"
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
audrisa:
Bahahaha!!!! I loved this blog. Made me chuckle while I drink my coffee. But hey... I still love Alice in Chains.
hemi:
WTF...I can tie a cherry stem?! Now what am I suppose to brag about. Way to crush my dreams of being a PROFESSIONAL cherry stem tongue tornado champion.