I'm tired.
My roomate sux.
I have no money.
But here's me and my honey.
I took that pic of us in the midst of RPop on Sunday in downtown RVA. It went well. I did my hair and digs all up 30's flapper style (instead of Rockabilly like I had planned).
It was just too damned hot to wear the dress I had planned so I went with the lil black slip I bought from Vicky's Secret a year or so ago for like $10. I've only worn it twice now. But the show went really well. A lot of people came. A lot of people bought the new record. One guy gave me a tip while I was attending the merch table. One girl told me I had balls for wearing what I did. And one guy made me pose for a picture. (I'm pretty sure they were all drunk). I spent most of the day under my umbrella so as not to get burnt. My honey laughed and said it was fucking awesome...several other peeps got pictures so I will try and snag one to post.
He (my honey) and I had a lil bit of a thing last week. It was weird. I just, hmmm, OK...If you want to you can stop reading my journal now, the rest might be inane babble...but here goes...maybe one of you will feel me.
It's been almost 5 months since we've been together. That's pretty much the longest I've ever gone with one person. I've had really shitty luck when it comes to relationships, and well...going into this one...I was pretty burned. But, he's an awesome fucking guy, and I'm trying my damnedest to be open with my feelings yet not be 'that girl' who always 'nit picks' at the relationship. Because he tells me, he wants to know everything I'm feeling, and if I don't think something's going right, to immediately tell him. Well, I've tried doing that in the past, only to get immediately ousted. So, bringing up stuff like that really scares the hell out of me b/c I don't want to push him away. Well anyway, I know he's been ultra busy lately, well he's always ultra busy, and I just wasn't feeling that he was in this with me whole heartedly anymore. So, I wanted a way to ask him if he was without it making me sound like the lil whiney, nobody likes me girl. I was thinking about this for a week or two...and trying to push it down b/c I didn't know if it was just my hormones kickin' in, and that my sucky roomate was MIA, and that I realized that I had NO ONE to talk to about it. But, eventually, I couldn't keep it bottled up any more...and that's when I became mute the other night. We were out on our usual Wednesday night dinner with the gang, and I just didn't talk to, let alone look at anyone for almost 3 hours. I figured if I did, I'd either break down into tears and run away crying, or I would just bust out a screaming match right in front of everybody. So I shut up. When we left, he asked if I was Ok. I didn't say anything the whole car ride home until we got to my parking lot. And then I somehow summoned all the strength and will power I had in me to tell him exactly what I was feeling, sparring no thoughts, without breaking down into tears. I'd never done that before. He took it well. We got some things straight. And I felt better. It's weird. We don't really call each other boyfriend and girlfriend and I think it's mostly because of him. He says there's a lot of underlying stuff that goes on with those titles, and he didn't think we were there yet, because well...of me. I have problems letting my whole guard down, and letting people try and understand all of my life, and all of the fucked up shit that's happened to me in the last 5 years that some people would call 'college'. There's a few very big stories as to why I ended up the way I am today that are not in any means easy to tell. And he's such a stronghearted, noble, honest, and respectable person, it might break each others hearts to tell him....but I want to. But, until he knows more of these things about me, I don't think he'll call me his girlfriend. So I think what my whole 'thing' with him was, that I just needed some kind of validation that I was 'his'. I need to know that he's gonna be there to listen and not run away when I sit down to talk to him, because I can't bear to tell another soul my stories to just have them turn their backs and disappear on me again.
I don't want to be the first one to say those three words, but I have a feeling it's coming on. I don't think I'd get them back if I said them. I just don't know. This is all new waters for me...I've never tread this deep in the relationship pool before. And I don't want to be scared because I know it takes a lot of faith to give up your heart like that, and you just can't jump off that cliff with a safety net. But I fear my heart is forever tethered to moon.
I want to be strong.....I want to have someone to talk to about this...but it seems talking to a computer screen that doesn't talk back is my only option...
As I sit here weeping over my keyboard, my roomate walks around ignoring me turning off lights but not the TV, as day two of our not talking comes to an end. But that is a whole other journal entry.
I thought that the days of me being utterly alone, confused, and a swirl of emotion with no outlet were over...
...but I was wrong.
My roomate sux.
I have no money.
But here's me and my honey.
I took that pic of us in the midst of RPop on Sunday in downtown RVA. It went well. I did my hair and digs all up 30's flapper style (instead of Rockabilly like I had planned).
It was just too damned hot to wear the dress I had planned so I went with the lil black slip I bought from Vicky's Secret a year or so ago for like $10. I've only worn it twice now. But the show went really well. A lot of people came. A lot of people bought the new record. One guy gave me a tip while I was attending the merch table. One girl told me I had balls for wearing what I did. And one guy made me pose for a picture. (I'm pretty sure they were all drunk). I spent most of the day under my umbrella so as not to get burnt. My honey laughed and said it was fucking awesome...several other peeps got pictures so I will try and snag one to post.
He (my honey) and I had a lil bit of a thing last week. It was weird. I just, hmmm, OK...If you want to you can stop reading my journal now, the rest might be inane babble...but here goes...maybe one of you will feel me.
It's been almost 5 months since we've been together. That's pretty much the longest I've ever gone with one person. I've had really shitty luck when it comes to relationships, and well...going into this one...I was pretty burned. But, he's an awesome fucking guy, and I'm trying my damnedest to be open with my feelings yet not be 'that girl' who always 'nit picks' at the relationship. Because he tells me, he wants to know everything I'm feeling, and if I don't think something's going right, to immediately tell him. Well, I've tried doing that in the past, only to get immediately ousted. So, bringing up stuff like that really scares the hell out of me b/c I don't want to push him away. Well anyway, I know he's been ultra busy lately, well he's always ultra busy, and I just wasn't feeling that he was in this with me whole heartedly anymore. So, I wanted a way to ask him if he was without it making me sound like the lil whiney, nobody likes me girl. I was thinking about this for a week or two...and trying to push it down b/c I didn't know if it was just my hormones kickin' in, and that my sucky roomate was MIA, and that I realized that I had NO ONE to talk to about it. But, eventually, I couldn't keep it bottled up any more...and that's when I became mute the other night. We were out on our usual Wednesday night dinner with the gang, and I just didn't talk to, let alone look at anyone for almost 3 hours. I figured if I did, I'd either break down into tears and run away crying, or I would just bust out a screaming match right in front of everybody. So I shut up. When we left, he asked if I was Ok. I didn't say anything the whole car ride home until we got to my parking lot. And then I somehow summoned all the strength and will power I had in me to tell him exactly what I was feeling, sparring no thoughts, without breaking down into tears. I'd never done that before. He took it well. We got some things straight. And I felt better. It's weird. We don't really call each other boyfriend and girlfriend and I think it's mostly because of him. He says there's a lot of underlying stuff that goes on with those titles, and he didn't think we were there yet, because well...of me. I have problems letting my whole guard down, and letting people try and understand all of my life, and all of the fucked up shit that's happened to me in the last 5 years that some people would call 'college'. There's a few very big stories as to why I ended up the way I am today that are not in any means easy to tell. And he's such a stronghearted, noble, honest, and respectable person, it might break each others hearts to tell him....but I want to. But, until he knows more of these things about me, I don't think he'll call me his girlfriend. So I think what my whole 'thing' with him was, that I just needed some kind of validation that I was 'his'. I need to know that he's gonna be there to listen and not run away when I sit down to talk to him, because I can't bear to tell another soul my stories to just have them turn their backs and disappear on me again.
I don't want to be the first one to say those three words, but I have a feeling it's coming on. I don't think I'd get them back if I said them. I just don't know. This is all new waters for me...I've never tread this deep in the relationship pool before. And I don't want to be scared because I know it takes a lot of faith to give up your heart like that, and you just can't jump off that cliff with a safety net. But I fear my heart is forever tethered to moon.
I want to be strong.....I want to have someone to talk to about this...but it seems talking to a computer screen that doesn't talk back is my only option...
As I sit here weeping over my keyboard, my roomate walks around ignoring me turning off lights but not the TV, as day two of our not talking comes to an end. But that is a whole other journal entry.
I thought that the days of me being utterly alone, confused, and a swirl of emotion with no outlet were over...
...but I was wrong.
VIEW 16 of 16 COMMENTS
i know it is hard sometimes to let your guard down but sometimes that is all we are looking for. a sure way to drive a wedge is to keep some distance. sounds like you are ready hope you take a chance and lay it out there bet you might just be surprised!
good luck kiddo....
miss you!!!!!!!