dragonflower

sometimes i wish i could just erase all this shit, y'know? i'd really rather not be such a drama queen. it's embarrassing.
i guess i could edit everything into oblivion.
but i'm not supposed to be embarrassed by anything. being an actor and all that shit. sometimes i wonder if i can really call myself an actor anymore, though.
ugh. i need a vacation from myself.
something has got to work.
i would love to smoke a bigfatfucking bowl right now, but i've got nothing. i'd get drunk, but i'm sick, and i'd stay sick a whole lot longer. tomorrow is my Chloe's birthday, and i've got to have a good time. that's probably the best thing i could give her right now. i wish i could afford a week away at a b&b. aside from being broke, i've still got to survive the end of the semester. i don't think im cut out for this shit. which sucks, b/c i'm close to a degree. i hate being a slave, but i think it may actually take less of a toll. if only i could get myself up off my ass and make myself do what i'm supposed to do to do what i want to do. i'm getting a blood test soon to figure out if i have a thyroid problem. the possibility has been tossed around a few times. it would explain a lot. i wonder if that would be easier to deal with? if it turns out there's actually an easy fix for how i feel, holy shit would i be ecstatic! hopefully i'll get that test on tuesday.
for now, i'll try not to feel like shit, and slap a smile on anyway.