I had sex with two girls on a Sunday, for goodness sake. Consecutively, not simultaneously. I had time to shower and nap in between, lol.
In other news, I wrote a column for my school's paper and they completely edited it and made it not funny or edgy at all. So now I look like some lame douche. Here it is unedited:
The other day I was at Columbia Mall eating lunch. As I was hurriedly choking down my Veggie Delight Subway sub (it isnt easy staying in shape when you sit at a desk fifty hours a week, be afraid) I saw a tee shirt that made me stop mid-bite. It was on this normal looking dude, a short skinny white guy, walking around the mall with his friend. This average boring-looking dude was wearing a shirt that said Will Spoon for Poon. I have seen plenty of shirts that are of a similar ilk to that one lately and I am getting really tired of it.
The trend of wearing offensive tee shirts has obviously been around for as long as tee shirts have, but it has gotten exponentially worse in like the last two years. Apparently at some point the executives at Abercrombie decided that they would not be making any more shirts that didnt have a college aged sex joke on them. A lot of them were cute and clever. One of my favorites was the one that had a picture of an upside-down paper bag and the text EXTREME MAKEOVER. It made me smile in the store. But while I was looking at it, I remember thinking Who the fuck would actually buy and wear that?
Before I go any further, I would like to point out that I am not a knee-jerk Abercrombie-hater or some kind of puritan. I used to work at Abercrombie for like two weeks until I decided that my time was worth more than six dollars an hour, even if all I was doing was standing around talking to hot girls. And I have a bunch of Abercrombie clothes. As far as me being easily offended or a prude, I can assure you that I am a vile pig. Ask anyone that knows me.
The thing that I dont like about these kind of shirts is that, to me, they contradict their own purpose. Most people who buy shirts from Abercrombie (or Urban Outfitters, French Connection, Express for Men, American Eagle, etc.) are hoping that their clothes will make them more attractive to the opposite sex, right? Why are you going to wear a shirt that says We screw, We nut, We bolt or Here today, Gone tomorrow morning to go out to a bar and try to have one-night stands? Dont girls see it as a red flag that a dudes shirt says that he doesnt really care about anything other than sex? Or if you arent interested in one-night stands, how are prospective girlfriends or female friends going to feel about your opinion that Spitters are Quitters?
Then there is a whole other genre of these shirts that are all about broadcasting your insecurities and narcissistic tendencies. One of them has two hands on either side of the shirt with the text I swear its this big aka I have a small penis and I lie about it. Or Do you have tickets? To the gun show with arrows pointing at the arms. Why dont you just stand in front of a mirror all day and shout Hey everybody, come see how good my arms look in the Ron Burgundy voice. At least then you wouldnt be paying twenty-five dollars to wear a mediocre joke that everyone is tired of.
Even with all these other offenders, I still think Will Spoon for Poon is the worst that I have seen, outside of an Ocean City boardwalk store. First of all, its got the word poon on it, which is cool for the college bar scene, but dude was wearing it at a mall at like Eleven-Thirty AM on a Tuesday morning. There was mostly moms and babies there. Secondly, the message itself is so fucked up. Its like I hate women so much that I cant even stand to lay next to them, but I love pussies so much that Im willing to endure the agony of spooning to get in them. I sure do wish they would genetically engineer some vaginas without women attached to em! Im Rick James, Bitch, GitRDun!
I guess what Im trying to say is, if you are a complete asshole with an infantile misogynistic sense of humor, try to be a little more discrete about it.
In other news, I wrote a column for my school's paper and they completely edited it and made it not funny or edgy at all. So now I look like some lame douche. Here it is unedited:
The other day I was at Columbia Mall eating lunch. As I was hurriedly choking down my Veggie Delight Subway sub (it isnt easy staying in shape when you sit at a desk fifty hours a week, be afraid) I saw a tee shirt that made me stop mid-bite. It was on this normal looking dude, a short skinny white guy, walking around the mall with his friend. This average boring-looking dude was wearing a shirt that said Will Spoon for Poon. I have seen plenty of shirts that are of a similar ilk to that one lately and I am getting really tired of it.
The trend of wearing offensive tee shirts has obviously been around for as long as tee shirts have, but it has gotten exponentially worse in like the last two years. Apparently at some point the executives at Abercrombie decided that they would not be making any more shirts that didnt have a college aged sex joke on them. A lot of them were cute and clever. One of my favorites was the one that had a picture of an upside-down paper bag and the text EXTREME MAKEOVER. It made me smile in the store. But while I was looking at it, I remember thinking Who the fuck would actually buy and wear that?
Before I go any further, I would like to point out that I am not a knee-jerk Abercrombie-hater or some kind of puritan. I used to work at Abercrombie for like two weeks until I decided that my time was worth more than six dollars an hour, even if all I was doing was standing around talking to hot girls. And I have a bunch of Abercrombie clothes. As far as me being easily offended or a prude, I can assure you that I am a vile pig. Ask anyone that knows me.
The thing that I dont like about these kind of shirts is that, to me, they contradict their own purpose. Most people who buy shirts from Abercrombie (or Urban Outfitters, French Connection, Express for Men, American Eagle, etc.) are hoping that their clothes will make them more attractive to the opposite sex, right? Why are you going to wear a shirt that says We screw, We nut, We bolt or Here today, Gone tomorrow morning to go out to a bar and try to have one-night stands? Dont girls see it as a red flag that a dudes shirt says that he doesnt really care about anything other than sex? Or if you arent interested in one-night stands, how are prospective girlfriends or female friends going to feel about your opinion that Spitters are Quitters?
Then there is a whole other genre of these shirts that are all about broadcasting your insecurities and narcissistic tendencies. One of them has two hands on either side of the shirt with the text I swear its this big aka I have a small penis and I lie about it. Or Do you have tickets? To the gun show with arrows pointing at the arms. Why dont you just stand in front of a mirror all day and shout Hey everybody, come see how good my arms look in the Ron Burgundy voice. At least then you wouldnt be paying twenty-five dollars to wear a mediocre joke that everyone is tired of.
Even with all these other offenders, I still think Will Spoon for Poon is the worst that I have seen, outside of an Ocean City boardwalk store. First of all, its got the word poon on it, which is cool for the college bar scene, but dude was wearing it at a mall at like Eleven-Thirty AM on a Tuesday morning. There was mostly moms and babies there. Secondly, the message itself is so fucked up. Its like I hate women so much that I cant even stand to lay next to them, but I love pussies so much that Im willing to endure the agony of spooning to get in them. I sure do wish they would genetically engineer some vaginas without women attached to em! Im Rick James, Bitch, GitRDun!
I guess what Im trying to say is, if you are a complete asshole with an infantile misogynistic sense of humor, try to be a little more discrete about it.
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Love,
S