OK, I don't know what the fuck; where did everybody's journals go? I used to read them all the time and I don't see how to get to them any more. Maybe I am to old for the internets and I am being denied for being too geezerly.
I got troubles, lately. Not REAL troubles; these are all FAKE troubles. For instance: I keep thinking about dying in a car accident, being hit by a cement truck or something. I can FEEL it and SEE it and HEAR it. I seriously am creeped out by this. It seems very real. I would dismiss it, but I have had premonitions come true before; things that would make a psychic welcome me as a brother.
Now, all I can think about is..."oh, God...if that is how I am going to go out, take me now...take me before I have somebody to leave behind; take me so my passing will be quick and painless, so those who will remember me will remember me as a young and successful man who tried to do his best...."
And then, I start thinking about the last three years I have been living in Florida and all the things I have done since l moved from Chicago that I would have NEVER done before, but now are like old news...drugs of various types, crazy sex stunts, etc. All of my innocence is gone, I think. Well, maybe not all of it, but I certainly have changed a lot and lived more.
Even though that is the case, I do not feel like I am as good of a person as I was three years ago. Like, I have let somebody down; somebody who was counting on me.
ugh
It's not even true. The fact is, I have NEVER been a happy guy, and as time goes by, all I get is more stuff to feel guilty about. If I dropped everything and lived the life of a saint right now, I would still feel guilty for not becoming righteous sooner.
It's fucked up; that's for sure. I wonder how much of this has to do with being off medication for as few months, and then going back on a few weeks ago...I swear, I am so paranoid now, I can't get through a single hour without thinking that a jet engine is going to fall through my roof like in Donnie Darko.
Some things have to go, though. Some things, I need to SEVER. If not, I am certainly going to lose it.
I seriously think it's a midlife crisis. The thing is, though, I don't want to go another 35 years if it's like it is now, or even worse...yugh...there's something else on my mind as well.
It is the drugs, seriously. Let me describe the EXTENT of my drug use: I smoke weed once or twice a month on weekends only, and half the weekends not at all; and then maybe once every 2 months I will enjoy some Ex. I drink maybe once or twice a month anymore, I smoke like half a pack of Parliament Lights a day.
THAT'S IT. So, when I say drugs, I am not talking about being a crazy fucked up hobo or something. I'm a lightweight.
However...aside from seeing myself die in a car crash...I also see myself homeless, smelly, unwashed...ignored, insane, and addicted to whatever I can get my hands on. I see myself out on the street, in a green army jacket, crying, toothless, with rheumy eyes and crusty sleeves, sitting in front of a dumpster under a yellow streetlight, the street wet, cars driving by without seeing me, splashing me with slush...getting the crap kicked out of me for my shoes...being totally forgotten.
For fuck's sake; I am a successful person! I've got everything anybody could want, but all this fear of dying violently and shame for things going on inside of me, these things I am seeing, are making me go fucking batshit.
I get the feeling that I do know what I really need. I need to find a nice girl and settle down. But...WAIT....I DON'T LIKE NICE GIRLS! (I like crazy ones
)
arrrgh
So, what the hell...most people get over this high school shit, you know, in high school.
I have also been giving some thought to seeing a dominatrix. That might fix me right up. That could be just the thing this boy needs.
That's only part of the solution, though. See, the TRUTH is...there is NOTHING WRONG IN MY LIFE. I'm FINE...but I cannot get these cobwebs out from in front of my face.
bleahhh....hopefully, the meds will take care of that soon, because I am sure if you read this far that you think I am one sick puppy! I am not really like this. I think I am going to have a drink to calm my nerves, though...heeeheeeheeeheee
I got troubles, lately. Not REAL troubles; these are all FAKE troubles. For instance: I keep thinking about dying in a car accident, being hit by a cement truck or something. I can FEEL it and SEE it and HEAR it. I seriously am creeped out by this. It seems very real. I would dismiss it, but I have had premonitions come true before; things that would make a psychic welcome me as a brother.
Now, all I can think about is..."oh, God...if that is how I am going to go out, take me now...take me before I have somebody to leave behind; take me so my passing will be quick and painless, so those who will remember me will remember me as a young and successful man who tried to do his best...."
And then, I start thinking about the last three years I have been living in Florida and all the things I have done since l moved from Chicago that I would have NEVER done before, but now are like old news...drugs of various types, crazy sex stunts, etc. All of my innocence is gone, I think. Well, maybe not all of it, but I certainly have changed a lot and lived more.
Even though that is the case, I do not feel like I am as good of a person as I was three years ago. Like, I have let somebody down; somebody who was counting on me.
ugh
It's not even true. The fact is, I have NEVER been a happy guy, and as time goes by, all I get is more stuff to feel guilty about. If I dropped everything and lived the life of a saint right now, I would still feel guilty for not becoming righteous sooner.
It's fucked up; that's for sure. I wonder how much of this has to do with being off medication for as few months, and then going back on a few weeks ago...I swear, I am so paranoid now, I can't get through a single hour without thinking that a jet engine is going to fall through my roof like in Donnie Darko.
Some things have to go, though. Some things, I need to SEVER. If not, I am certainly going to lose it.
I seriously think it's a midlife crisis. The thing is, though, I don't want to go another 35 years if it's like it is now, or even worse...yugh...there's something else on my mind as well.
It is the drugs, seriously. Let me describe the EXTENT of my drug use: I smoke weed once or twice a month on weekends only, and half the weekends not at all; and then maybe once every 2 months I will enjoy some Ex. I drink maybe once or twice a month anymore, I smoke like half a pack of Parliament Lights a day.
THAT'S IT. So, when I say drugs, I am not talking about being a crazy fucked up hobo or something. I'm a lightweight.
However...aside from seeing myself die in a car crash...I also see myself homeless, smelly, unwashed...ignored, insane, and addicted to whatever I can get my hands on. I see myself out on the street, in a green army jacket, crying, toothless, with rheumy eyes and crusty sleeves, sitting in front of a dumpster under a yellow streetlight, the street wet, cars driving by without seeing me, splashing me with slush...getting the crap kicked out of me for my shoes...being totally forgotten.
For fuck's sake; I am a successful person! I've got everything anybody could want, but all this fear of dying violently and shame for things going on inside of me, these things I am seeing, are making me go fucking batshit.
I get the feeling that I do know what I really need. I need to find a nice girl and settle down. But...WAIT....I DON'T LIKE NICE GIRLS! (I like crazy ones
)
arrrgh
So, what the hell...most people get over this high school shit, you know, in high school.
I have also been giving some thought to seeing a dominatrix. That might fix me right up. That could be just the thing this boy needs.
That's only part of the solution, though. See, the TRUTH is...there is NOTHING WRONG IN MY LIFE. I'm FINE...but I cannot get these cobwebs out from in front of my face.
bleahhh....hopefully, the meds will take care of that soon, because I am sure if you read this far that you think I am one sick puppy! I am not really like this. I think I am going to have a drink to calm my nerves, though...heeeheeeheeeheee
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.
Just because a person has everything that they want doesn't mean they are happy. I used to have everything I ever wanted and I hated it. I think I am happier being mostly poor but doing something that I love to do. I make time for my art and my music and my writing weather or not I should. Sometimes you just have to not do the things that you should. And every once in a while when I get all ansy and I start thinking things like you are I go someplace I've never been before. I go just to be going. I once drove to Canada by myself and just spent a week roaming around the streets seeing things and sleeping in my car. I didn't have any money. I just needed to get away.
Also, taking x creates an increase of seritonin in your brain which makes you fake happy. After it wears off, you become depressed becasue the levels are lower than they were before you took it. It's not a good thing. I'm sure that I don't have to tell you that, I'm sure that you are aware of that, but really THAT KIND of drug just makes things worse. Anything that gives you a FALSE sense of happy is bad. Your either going to be happy or your not. And, just because your not isn't necessarily bad. Sometimes we need to not be happy in order to learn things. Perhaps that is some lesson you are going to learn soon. Pain is knowledge, and it lets you know that your still alive.
Maybe you just need some stimulation in your life, excitement. Try bungee jumping, or rollercoasters.... do something that frightens you.
And, if you want to chat just let me know. I'll be here.
Take Care.
My phone is on the fritz.
what's your number?