dr_lizardo

Weeky Meandering Thought Process

It vexes me that I'm not better at more activities than I am actually good at. Most specifically music and conversation are things I wish I could do better.

It struck me yesterday that most of the things I'm good at and/or are interested in are very sensual things. I'm really great at giving massages and at sex. I like swimming naked at night in the summertime. I'm good at throwing pottery on the wheel and I can cook.

You might not think so but shooting rifles is quite a sensual, albeit not erotic thing. A very slow process of settling your body down in to the most stable position possible and not moving. Shooting shotguns is totally different, at the times when I manage to do it at all it happens so fast, my body reacts and breaks the clay pigeon before my cognitive mind can even register what is happening.

I like large format photogaphy, because it captures so much of the texture of things.

I like music, though I don't have the coordination to play it.

People contend that Tyrannosaurs were scavengers, and not predators and one reason they contend that is because relative to brain size the only animal that has ever had a lager olfactory bulb is a turkey vulture.

So I think maybe the way my brain is wired I have a higher degree of receptiveness to sensations than do most other people. On the other hand I have trouble managing human interactions. I'm about one step ahead of an autisitic person in that regard. The things I'm good at all proceed slowly with a lot of sensory input.

Whatever.

I took that camera I drowned in a stream last year down to a repair place. They emailed me back that it isn't mostly dead, it's completely dead. Maybe somebody will give me 20 bucks for it on ebay, if they think they can use parts from it.

It actually really sucks not to be more confident with people, to not be any good at coming up with things to say. For me open mic night is something of a personal battleground. I love music but don't have much coordiation to play my instrument. Most of the people who play there are singer/songwriters to some degree at least, and they don't get that I'm not one of them. I've never written a song, It's never occurred to me to write a song and it's never occurred to me that writing a song is something that might occur to me. I can't just make something up and follow along with you on the guitar. If I can't see your fretting hand I can't follow you. And that kind of makes it awkward to hang out with a group of people whom I really admire, I like what they do but there is only a very limited extent to which I am capable of talking about it with them and participating in it with them. I'll play songs that are fun to screw around with at home and I'll imagine myself having fun in that tall chair behind the mic, being engaged with my audience and making a connection with them, but that person doesn't exist. There's not too many people in my age group there. Most of the clientele is in the pre-family or post family stage of their lives. When you're my age you're supposed to be at home arguing with your young teenagers about curfews and text messaging and WHY CAN'T YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE JUST LIKE I DID AND DO ALL OF THE EXACT SAME THINGS AND BELIEVE THE EXACT SAME THINGS AS I DID WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE. I cannot stop wanting to make a connection with people but I have doubts about how much of a connnection there really is for me to make.

I am also working to steel myself to blow the huge wad it will take to acquire the A900 i've been saving for for so long.

Well, being me kind of sucks but I don't envy the real grownups i know all that much, truthfully.