dr_lizardo

Hello


I guess after a month it's about time to update.


This past week I've had my week's vacation from work. I went down to Philadephia to photograph garden statuary and spend some intensive cuddling time with J.

On monday I went out to Amish country while J was at work and stalked the amish with a camera. Appalling behaviour really.





Last friday on my last day at work before my vacation I dropped an electric pallet jack off the end of my truck. Why? Because I am an IDIOT and i didn't raise my lift gate all the way up. Broke the control arm off the jack and spilled a lot of battery acid. Had to do a drug test afterwards.

I really do not want to go back to work tomorrow.

I am just not quite as sharp about what's immediately around me as other people are. I dropped an $800 camera in a river earlier this year. Being an idiot is expensive and embarrassing and frustrating and I don't like being one. And knowing I'm an idiot does not magically inhance my level of immediate awarness of my surroundings. However much I hate being an idiot I still do idiotic things. That's the power of positive thinking at work I guess.

I've also been kind of making myself sick obsessing about how much to invest in what photo equipment. Sony's $3000 DSLR is out now and for another 1800 you can have the zeiss lens that has enough resolution to capture the detail that the 24mp sensor can pick up. So I obsess, should I just stick with the equipment I have now? I find many photographs for sale that technically aren't all that good. I have a good macro lens that's bitingly sharp and I really like the images I get with it but It's a short telephoto and of limited use. Or should I get the zeiss 16-80mm i can use on my present camera but won't be able to use with the full frame sensor on the three thousand dollar camera.

Yesterday I shot some pics with an older sigma 24-70mm lens I have from the film era, and It's a little sharper than the kit lens that came with the camera, so I feel a little better about using the equipment that I presently have, even if I know the sigma still won't be quite as sharp as the zeiss would be.

I know that It just makes me miserable to always be wanting more and better stuff than I have. I always want to be have the capability to do things, I'm constantly evaluating myself in that regard, far more than I actually do things. I feel that as an INTP I am inherently insane, inherently miserable.

Whatever.

One reason I don't want to go back to work tomorrow is that the marathon cuddling I got into with J last week changed how my body feels. I feel softer and more relaxed, my clothing feels softer on my body, i think I have a heightened sense of softness. On the drive back home I was feeling really bad about leaving her to come back up here, and much of the drive back I was driving with one hand and kind of hugging myself a bit with my other arm, not wanting to lose the feel of having lain with J for so long. Coca cola will totally destroy what's left of that feeling in me tomorrow.

On the way back up I stopped in Cranbury NJ, a town that I could ride my bicycle to which I found when I was stuck at the Molly Pitcher rest are on the NJ turnpike for a couple of three day weekends last year. I stopped into the Cranbury Bookworm and picked up a copy of the Kinsey report, sexual behavior in the human male. For two bucks. I really liked the movie. I've started reading the book and it's pretty good, it is evident as to why it is/was so important that they made a movie about the making of the report, 55 years after the report came out. It redefined what was known about sexality. It kind of changed the world, in a way.

The world offers a lot of love and quiet beauty, sweet air and trees and flowers. And I guess that's why it's worth it, to survive through work, with all of its noise and cold and heavy hard dangerous machinery. Someday I might even get myself together well enough to be professional photographer, and escape work, as I have always known and dreaded it.