dr_lizardo

Thing about photobucket.com is that something about going through them makes pics darker than they started out. I guess I'll just have to overall lighten pics before sending them there. Anyway, I don't know if you can tell on your screen but this pic was taken at night, Eight seconds exposure, and it shows that the sky is in fact blue at night. At least it is if you set your white balance to tungsten, which arguably is just creating the blue; but if you don't do it you'll get yellow clouds from city lights. On the other hand I once saw timelapse footage of the nighttime skyscape taken in the desert so I already know the sky is blue at night anyway. But it's still cool to capture it yourself.

I'm feeling pretty crappy today. Partly from my legs aching from being inside too much, partly my lazy ass's fault and partly the crapola weather. Also I'm really down about my job situation. I applied to a temp agency that's looking for seasonal production laborers for Yankee Candle, and was hoping for a call today or sometime this week. I was a great employee at YC, but I worry and worry and worry that no employer will ever take me because of my bad credit rating; and I still don't really know whether they can tell I got fired one time or not. Job questionnaires always ask you if you've ever been convicted of a felony, and assure you that it won't necessarily exclude you from consideration for a job, but what is the point of asking that question, or whether you have ever been "involuntarily dismissed from a job" unless it's specifically to exclude you from consideration on the basis of that answer?

One thing I've never quite been able to do throughout my life was to get by on what I could earn. Even now living in a trailer, with a $195 a moth lot fee and my utilities, It seems I still can't even fucking do it now. I feel like the biggest fucking loser and most useless worthless person on the planet when I look at myself as an Economic Production Unit.

Sometimes I worry about not passing my test to get a CDL, as I am naturally less physically adept at a lot of things than other people, but on the other had at NETTTS you can keep practicing in their trucks as long as you need it and can come up with the $75 test fee. On the other hand I can ride a motorcycle, and do a lot of things related to catching fish that's beyond the dexterity of others I've seen. And anyway there was one truck driver we used to get at the AIC bookstore who was as dumb as a box of rocks and he couldn't back his rig up to our loading dock, so we had to go out into the street with hand trucks to get our shipments off his truck. If he could get a CDL I sure as hell can.

And it remains the case I can always sell this trailer I live in and get about 30 grand or so for it, but I would so fucking hate to have to go through that. I know that there are people you can find on this site with infinitely worse problems than mine, but still, being me can really suck.

And now for something completely different

or at least somewhat different

Well there's this buddhist notion "no obstruction" that I've been mentating about lately. For a while now I've tended to feel like there were no obstructions to my life outside of me, they were all just within me. But recently it occurred to me that there must also be no obstructions within me either, I just make the mistake of construing things about myself as obstructions. For example, being ADD in a world of boring repetitive tasks, and not having the upbringing such as would have nurtured me to live in the power of the abilities that I do have; there is a world of creativity and inagination and nonconformity to live in, but my heart is all sad and closed and jittery and anxious, and lacking the courage to live its own life on its own terms. Actually now that I'm thinking about it I feel like there really is obstruction within me, I know it's all an elaborate fabrication I construct to hem myself in, to cling to what I already know, but damn it's effective.

I had been thinking about it along other lines though, in terms of relationships, and my seeing myself as not suitable for them. That's just me throwing up barriers within myself, I can see quite plainly, and yet sometimes I think that the notion of needing to be in a relationship, and of being lonely and dwelling on it, is itself the obstruction, to simply living my life and taking on what ever presents itself. To imagine objects of desire, and obstructions to them, is just the self trying to prove that it exists with things that appear to define what it is. I crave, I am frustrated, therefore I am.


I have a feeling that what "no obstruction" really means when you're truly realized it is that you disabuse yourself of the habit of thinking there is a basis for imagining that anything could be an obstruction to anything else. Nothing in the way and nothing for it to be in the way of. No signal, nothing to signify, nothing to interfere with the no-signal.

Be great if I could just live on brooditation energy. Jobs are a real slap in the face. To a lot of good people.